Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex ?

1) You can GET chocolate.


2) "If you love me you`ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.






3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.


4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.






5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.


6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.






7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.


8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.






9) The word "commitment" doesn`t scare off chocolate.


10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.






11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.


12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.






13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.


14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.






15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.


16) Good chocolate is easy to find.






17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.


18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.






19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.


20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.

The Phone Call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.


"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"


"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."


The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.




"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."


"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"


"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"


"No, this is 232-1374."


"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."


There was a short pause and the housewife said,


"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Indian Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.


Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"


He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."


But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria... "

The Funniest One Liners

They lived happily until they got married.






"What did one ghost say to another?"


"Do you believe in people?"






My friend has a fine watch dog.


At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.






They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.






"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"


"Please wait someone else is using it."






When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.






"Where did you get those big eyes?"


"They came with the face."






I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .






But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.






Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."


Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."






It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!






"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."


"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."






"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"


"Yes if you're lucky."






A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.


"Has there been any insanity in your family?"


"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."






I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.






Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"


"I couldn't lift the table."






"My wife doesn't know what she wants."


"You're lucky. My wife does."






We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.






Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children.






The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.






"What do use for washing dishes?"


"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."






"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"


"Fine. She vanished last night."






"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"


"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"






"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"


"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."






There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.






"I heard you missed school yesterday."


"Not a bit."






"I gotta 'A' in spelling."


"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."






My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe .


I have no objections - I let her talk.






There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.


Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture


Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.


An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.






"My uncle has a cedar chest."


"My uncle has a wooden leg."






"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."






There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.






Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.






He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

Little Bobby ( Confession of a Kid )

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.




His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.




Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.




Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.


He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.




Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.


Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.


Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.


Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.


Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.


Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.




************ **




Letter 1




Dear God,


I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.


I want a red one.


Your friend,


Bobby




************ **




Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,


So he tore up the letter and started over.




************ **




Letter 2




Dear God,




This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like


A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.




Your friend,


Bobby




************ **




Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.




************ **




Letter 3




Dear God,




I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.




Bobby




************ **




Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.




************ **




Letter 4




God,




I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.


I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.


Please! Thank you,




Bobby




************ **




Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.


Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.


Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.


Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.




Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.


Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.


He looked around to see if anyone was there.


Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.




He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.




He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.




Bobby began to write his letter to God.




************ **




Letter 5




God,




I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

Why Always Girl Top in Class

 

Stupid jokes

A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way" says the barman "you are already out of your head".
**********
What's the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.
**********
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub - he pulled a mussel.
**********
A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking" "I’m sorry, sir there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have to be a little patient"
**********
Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to go on
**********
What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards? Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.
**********
Why did the orange stop? Cause it ran out of juice.
*********
Which country is the worst at Karaoke? Singapore
**********
Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because I’m bloody freezing"
**********
What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
**********


Where does Sadaam Hussein keep his cds? In a rack.
**********
What did the mummy cow say to the baby calf before it was live exported? Veal meet again.
**********
I used to work with a bald headed geezer who had tattoos of Rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.
**********
My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He's called it Cheeses of Nazareth.
**********
My husband joined the local mechanics course. They sent him home because he wasn't in the right gear.
**********
What's ET short for?
Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom
**********
Which mobile network do Jedi’s use? Yodafone.
*********
Where does a King keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
**********
When is sheep ink? When it’s in a pen.
**********
Where would you find a duck with no legs? Where you left it.


**********
What do you call a sheep that doesn't like Christmas? Baaaa Humbug!
**********
Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
How do you call all the squirrels in the world?...."Calling all squirrels, calling all squirrels"
**********
A man walks into a psychiatrist' s office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
**********
What do Arsenal and a three-pin plug have in common? They are both useless in Europe.
**********
A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it’s all over flo.
**********
What do people in Yorkshire call ebay? Ebaygum
*********
During my driving lesson, I asked my instructor, 'Do I go left, right or straight across the roundabout?' He replied, 'No, you go around it.'
**********
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
**********
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.


**********
There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't.
**********
What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An ex-tractor fan.
**********
Man walks in to a bar
Ouch!
**********
Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.
**********
I went out last night and drank eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this morning I was mullered.
**********
What do you call a Chinese girl with a food mixer on her head? Blenda.
**********
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms that had a race? It all ended in a tie.
*********
Did you know, Benylin Cough medicine was invented by a Russian doctor? His named was Ivor Chestikov.
**********
What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle? A monKEY.
**********
What is a vampire’s favourite fruit? Neck-tarines.
**********


Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?...because of his coffin.
**********
I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.
**********
Why do elephants have four feet? They would look daft with just 6 inches.
**********
A man walks in to a doctor's surgery, and tells the doctor that every time he lifts his arm it hurts like hell and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor tells him not to lift his arm.
**********
What do you call a woman with 5 classes of beer balanced on her head?
"Beertricks"
**********
A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm.. 'A pint please, landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.
**********
What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
*********
What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
**********
What do you call a pop star that has regular bowel movements? Damon All- Bran
**********
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
Where is the best place to hide a leaf?
Answer: A Tree
**********
Why did the Mushroom go to the party?
Answer: Because he’s a fun-guy
**********
What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?
Ruth.


**********
What green and runs around your garden?
A hedge
**********
Two overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.
'Your round' said one, to which the other replied,
'You can talk you fat cu*t!'
**********
Stevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer asked about what it was like to be blind. He answered:
"it's not that bad, I mean, it could be worse, I could be black!"
**********


Why have you called your pet newt tiny?
Because he's my newt.
*********
What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?
Lou Carpenter!
**********
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
**********
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.




Have you heard Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer’s are merging? They're now called Stretch Marks.
**********
A bloke goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pack your bags.' She replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you like,' he says, 'now sod off.'
**********
My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA. He just kept shouting “You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!”
**********
My friend swallowed an extractor fan, he’s OK now but it took it out of him.
**********
I broke my neck once, but to be fair I haven’t looked back since
**********
What’s green and smells like yellow paint? – Green Paint!
**********


Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
Romeo
(Romeo who?)
Romeover to the other side of the lake and I'll tell you!
*********
How many Pokemon does it take to change a light bulb?
157 but you’ve got to catch them all!
**********
Two cows in a field.. One says to the other "I hear they're doing artificial insemination on us cows"
"Really?"
"Yep, straight up - no bull!"
**********
What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Answer: A Carrot

Most Embarrasing Situvations

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do............






I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blo* job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.


Melinda Lowe, 39,




************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
*


An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I
wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run
and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of
our guest. Kathy Newman, 46








************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
*


I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!


Name Withheld








************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
*


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if He could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


Colleen Collins, 31


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.


Faye Emerick, 34


************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold ofher
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson




************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me..." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you
have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!




************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were
laughing so hard!

Customer Care in 2020

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."


Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."


Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ .. on.......8898613561 02049998- 45-54610"


Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"


Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?


Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"


Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."


Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"


Customer: "How come?"


Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"


Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"


Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"


Customer: "How do you know for sure?"


Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"


Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much
will that cost?"


Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $49.9! 9"


Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"


Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."


Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"


Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"


Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"


Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle.. ."


Customer: " What!"


Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..."


Customer: " ????"


Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"


Customer: "Nothing.! .... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"


Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also


diabetic.... ... "


Customer: "***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))"
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"


Customer: Faints...

Santa Banta Jokes

Santa: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Santa: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.




Banta built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that's for those who don't know Swimming.


Banta: I think that girl is deaf.
Friend: How do u know?
Banta: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals (Shoes) are new


Santa: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Santa: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".


Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Banta to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?


Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Santa: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.


Santa in airplane going to Bombay . While its landing he was excited and shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Santa: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"


Banta got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"
Banta replied: "I Mr. YOU" !!.




After finishing MBBS Banta Singh started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said: "Oye, Torch is okay"

Numerology

In case if u believe in numbers...!! !


IF you were born on the:
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th
Of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th
Of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th
Of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st
Of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd
Of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th
Of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th
Of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th
Of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th
Of any month then you are number 9.
Number 1
You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, emperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7
Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You daydream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, and you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7,5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!
Number 3
You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5


Number 4
You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7
Number 5
You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help your friends. You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You learn your life through your
personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.
Number 6
Ooopppss.. You were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family
and friends. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5
Number 7
You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4
Number 8
You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. However, once out settle down, (which is often late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly- disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take you to success. You are a great part of a
family team. You are a fighter! Your Best match 1, 4, and 8. Good match 5
Number 9
You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and >generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2

Exam Hall Fun

Unique Computer Designs

Most Stupid Technologica

fine wine

Don't break the elastic

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.


Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'




Maya Angelou said this:


'I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.'


'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.'


'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'


'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'


'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'


'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands . You need to be able to throw some things back.'


'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'


'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'


'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.'


'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'


'I've learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

The Boss

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.


The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"




So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.


Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.




The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p




Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

Hindi movies and computer

Hamara Hardisk Aapke Paas Hai
Hum Aapke Memory Mein Rahate Hain
Hum Hai Programmer Oracle Ke
Programmer no 1
Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
Do(2) processor baarah(12) terminal
Mera Code Chal Gaya
Network Ke Uss Paar
Jis Desh Mein Bill(Gates) Rahata Hai
Client Ek Numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
Login Karo Sajana
Firewall (Border)
DOWN To Hona Hi Tha
Partition (Deewar)
Kaho Na Virus Hay
Y2K – A Bug Story

Indian Titanic :)

If the Titanic was made in India:

• 10. There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
• 9. There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the rain.
• 8. By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
• 7. It’s seven and half-hours long.
• 6. The movie would be called “Doobta Hua Pyar”.
• 5. Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di’ Caprio played by Salman Khan.
• 4. The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
• 3. None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
• 2. They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
• 1. Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think about it.

AND
Can you imagine how many times we would hear “Bachaoooo”!!!
PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of water.

Nehru, Subhash Chandra Bose aur Gandhi

ye baat hai apne desh ke azaad hone se pahle kee. angrezo ki rani
bharat aati hai. wo ek shart rakhti hai. ek deewar hoti hai jisme ek
chota sa ched hota hai. shart ye hoti hai ke all freedom fighters apna
apna lund ched mai daalenge. rani deewar ke doosri taraf se lund pakad
ke unke sahi naam bataegi. agar ek ka bhi galat naam nikla to desh
azaad. sabse pahle subhash chandra apna dalte hain ched mai. rani phut
se kahti hai “subhash”. fir nehru dalta hai. rani kahti hai “jawahar”.
aise karte karte kai aate hain aur rani sab ke sahi naam bata deti hai.
end mai gandhiji aate hain. rani ched mai haath daalti hai aur phut se
bolti hai “sarojini naidu”. gandhi khushi se paagal ho jata hai aur
rani india ko azaad kar deti hai. kai dino baad saare senani central
perk mai coffee ke liye milte hain. baithak mai nehru gandhi se poochta
hai “yaar sab ke lund pakad ke saali ne sahi naam bataae par teri baari
mai sarojini. aisa kyun.”
gandhi jawaab deta hai “BEHEN KE LODON, TUM SAALE SEEDHE KHADE THE.
MAIN GHOOM GAYA THA”

If You Are In Tension.........!!

The moment you are in TENSION

You will lose your ATTENTION

Then you are in total CONFUSION

and you'll feel IRRITATION

This may spoil your personal RELATIONS

Ultimately, you won't get COOPERATION

And get things into COMPLICATION

Then you may raise CAUTION

And you have to take MEDICATION
Why not try understanding the SITUATION

And try to think about the SOLUTION

Many problems will be solved by DISCUSSION

Which will work out better
in your PROFESSION

Don't think this is a free SUGGESTION

It is only for your PREVENTION

If you understand my INTENTION

You'll never come again into TENSION!

Good Ones !!!

1) Dimag me Ice factory.
2) Zuban par Sugar factory.
3) Dil me Love factory. Phir life hogi satisfactory. .

Ek din Sagar ne Nadi se puccha:
Kab tak milati rahogi mujhe khare pani se
Nadi ne haskar kaha :
Jab tak tujh me mithas na aa jaye tab tak !!!
Thats "RELATIONSHIP" .

1 tree makes 1 Lakh matchsticks.

But 1 matchstick can burn 1 Lakh trees.
Similarly 1 negative thought or doubt can burn thousands of dreams....
Be Positive Always !!!

 
Chehre ki hasi se har gam chupao,
Bahut kuch bolo par kuch na batao...
Khud na rutho kabhi, par sabko manao

Ye Raz hai Zindagi ka, Bas Jite chale jao

Wah Prabhu kya teri leela hai :
Chuha Billi se darta hai,
Billi Kutte se darti hai,
Kutta Aadmi se darta hai,
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,
Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai.

 
And finally, with thanks to all our email sending friends

Ek Dost ne Mujh se pucha,

Tum sabko email bhejhte ho - tumhe kya milta hai
Maine hass kar kaha, Dena Lena to Vyaapar hai,
Jo dekar kuch na mange, Wo hi to DOSTI hai
 

Goonga aadmi aur Chemist

ek goonga aadmi chemist ki dukan par condom kharidne jaata hai. Kyonki
vo goonga hota hai use condom batne me dikkat hoti hai. Vo hattho se
isshara kar ke samjhata hai par chemist ko samajh nahi aata.
Gusse me goonga apni pant ki zip khol kar Lundd nikalta hai aur counter
par markar 10 ka note deta he.
Chemist ye dekh kar kehta he to ab samajh me aya ye baat he. Chemist
bhi apna Lund nikalta hai aur counter par marta hai aur khuss ho kar 10
ka note rakh leta hai.
Goonga admi gusse me haath hilata hai. Chemist kehta hai agar tumhe
harne se itna hi darr lagta tha to phir Lund ke lambe chhote ki shart
hi kyo laggiye.

Sardar aur naye joote

Santa naye joote leke aaya.
Ghar pahucha aur usne sae kapde utaar diye aur sirf joote pehan ke khud
ko aaeene mein dekhne laga.
Preeto kamre mein aai to usne poochha ke ye kya kar rahe ho?
Santa – Kuchh Naya Dikha?
Preeto – Nahi! Aapka Lund to abhi bhi hamesha ki tarah neeche ki taraf
hi hai….
Santa – O Bevkoofni wo bhi mere naye jooton ki taraf dekh raha hai……
Preeto – Ohh! Kal please ek naya “Hat” leke aana……….

Sardarji aur unki padosan

Ek sardarji ke bachcha nahin hota saat saal se…. Goes to a doctor and
asks what’s wrong with me. Doctor says you have a lot of problem but
there’s a solution…Go to a woman who’s 7 months pregnant & suck milk
from her breasts then you’ll be okay….. Sardarji goes to his wife &
tells her. She says apni padosan ke bachcha hone wala hai usse try
karo…. Sardarji goes to her & tells her the story…She gets very
angry and says Sardarji main to apko bhai samajhti thi aur aap kya
nikle… Apko sharam aani chaahiye. Sardarji poora jor lagadete hain
samjhane main� Kahata hai meri zindagi kaa sawal hai, main saari umar
aapka ehsaan maanooga…. In the end she agrees but says come tomorrow
when my husband goes out.. Sardarji goes to her house and starts
sucking her breasts. After some time, the padosan who didn’t have any
sex for so long gets hot and says to sardarji, aur kuch chahiye to woh
bhi maang lo… He says no no, everything is fine…. After some time
she again says sardarji kuch aur chahiye to soch lo aur maang lo but he
says again, nahin nahin sab theek hai….. Now she’s really hot and
unable to control h erself, so she says Sardarji, aaj apko doodh peene
ke saath jo kuch bhi chahiye woh maang lo� Jo ichcha ho woh bol do….
Sardarji says, “Bhen, doodh ke saath 2 biscuit mil jaati to badi
meharbaani hoti”!

Meri shaadi karva do

Ek ladka apne baap se kehta hai ki, “Baapu baapu, meri shaadi karvaa
do”
To baap uska kehta hai, “Saale tu dukaan to sambhaal nahin sakta,
biwi
kya sambhaale ga?”
Ladke ko aata hai gussa, aur deta hai dhamki apne baap ko, “Agar meri
shaadi nahin karvaaii, to main ghar chh-o duun ga!”
Baap befikr ho kar kehta hai, “Jaa, waise bhi tu sar khaata rehta
hai..”
Ladka naukrii ki taalaash mein ek bangle par paaunchta hai, us bangle
mein naukaron ke saath teen log rehte hain — ek ghar ki maalkin, aur
uski do betiyaan, Anni aur Manni.
Pehli raat ladka Anni ke saath so jaata hai, aur usko thok daalta hai.
Dusri raati ladka Manni ke saath so jaata hai, phir usko bhi thok
daalta hai!
Teesri raat bangle ki maalkin ko khabar milti hai, aur woh usse
naukrii
se nikaalne ki dhamki deti hai.. magar raat ka sama hota hai, aur woh
ghar ki maalkin (Anni, Manni ki maa) ko bhi thok daalta hai!
Naukrii se nikal jaata hai, bhooke peht bhi hota hai do teen din, to
biimaar pad jaata hai bechaara..
Doctor ke paas woh jaata hai, aur doctor uska ilaaj bhi kar deta hai,
magar ilaaj ke paise jab maangta hai to ladka doctor saahab ko kamre
mein le-jaa kar doctor ko bhi thok daalta hai..
Chalo bhai, doctor bhi thuk gaya.. ab bande ki daari muuch, aur baal
vaghaira sab bad jaate hain.. Kuve (Well) ke paas ek Naaii (barber)
dikhta hai, aur uzse apne mundan karwaa leta hai
Naaii jab paise maangta hai, to saahab ki jehb khaali hoti hai.. is
liye usko bhi thok daalta hai!
Sabko thok-thaak kar, apne baap ke paas aata hai.. aur phir kehta hai
apne baap se..
“Papa papa,
Anni chudi,
Manni chudi
Phir chudi uski maaii
Rastein mein doctor chuda
Phir chuda kuve pe naaii
Papa jaldi shaadi karvaao
Warna aapki baari aaii”

Tharki Banta Singh

Bahut dino pahle ki baat hai. Banta Singh kisi kaam se Dilli aya tha.
Use din mein bahut zabardast tharak chadhti hai. Wo sochta hai ki
chalo kisi gashti (prostitute) ke paas chal kar tharak mitayi jaaye.
Par use Dilli ke addon ke bare mein pata nahi tha. Aur na hi ye pata
tha ki kaunsi bus lekar jaaya jaaye. Wo hairaan pareshaan sa Bus Stop
par khada tha. Ek aadmi usey bade der se dekh raha tha. Thodi der
mein wo Banta Singh ke paas aata hai.
Aadmi: Sardarji! Koi problem hai kya?
Banta Singh (a bit shy to reveal the problem): Nahi bhai sahab! Sab
theek hai.
Aadmi: Theek hai fir.
Wo aadmi wapas apni jagah jaakar khada ho jaata hai. Par ussey Banta
Singh ki baichaini dekhi nahi jaati aur wo fir uske paas aata hai.
Aadmi: Sardarji! Koi problem hai kya?
Banta Singh (thinks – what the hell): Haan Bhai Sahab! Wo dar
asal�.mujhe bahut tharak chadh rahi hai�.
Aadmi: Oh ho! Toh ye baat hai. Sardaarji, aap 603 no. ki bus pakad
kar GB Road utar jao. Aapki samasya hal ho jaayegi.
Banta Singh: Bahut bahut dhanyavaad bhai sahab.
Us aadmi ki bus aati hai aur wo usmein baith kar chala jaata hai.
Banta Singh eagerly wait karne lagta hai apne no. ki bus ki. 4-5
buses aati hain. Unke number padhte padhte Banta Singh apna number
bhool jaata hai. Wo 603 ke bajay 360 pakad leta hai aur yamuna paar
nikal jaata hai. Wo ye bhi bhool jaata hai ki usey kahan jaana tha.
Jab bus last stop par pahunchti hai toh wo ussey utar jata hai aur
bahar ghoomne lagta hai. In fact, it was a residential colony.
Banta Singh: Ye toh koi rihayshi ilaaka lagta hai. Ghar pariwaar
waalon ka. Hamare Ludhiana jaisa kothon waala mahual toh lag nahi
raha hai.
Fir achanak Banta Singh ko yaad aata hai ki wo India ki capital city
Dilli mein ghoom raha hai.
Banta Singh: Oh! To ye kyonki capital city hai, yehan ke kothe bhi
waise hi aalishaan honge. Yehan ki gashtiyaan bhi high standard ki
hongi.
Banta Singh can’t wait to get hold of a gashti. Suddenly, he sees a
totta girl on the balcony of a house. Banta Singh nearly faints on
seeing her beauty.
Banta Singh: Yehan aisi totta ghastiyaan hoti hain? Ye mil jaaye toh
majaa aa jaaye.
The girl looks at Banta Singh watching her. Wo ladki bhi bahut tharki
thee. Wo Banta Singh ki niyat samajh jaati hai. Wo ishaare se Banta
Singh ko ghar mein bula leti hai. Banta Singh baag baag ho jaata hai
aur jaldi se uske ghar mein chala jaata hai. Andar jaakar jab wo
ladki ko paas se dekhta hai toh aur khus ho jaata hai. Par itne mein
hi ghar ki ghanti bajti hai. Ladki ke hosh ud jaate hain.
Ladki: Haaye Ram! Lagta hai Papa aaj jaldi office se aa gaye.
Banta Singh is confused. He can’t understand what is going on.
Ladki: Take this screw driver and take that horse ladder from the
corner. Put that below the ceiling fan and climb up. Work on the fan
as if you are an electrician.
Banta Singh doesn’t understand anything but does what is told. The
girl opens the door and in comes her father. He looks at Banta Singh
who is working with screw driver on the ceiling fan.
Father: Who is he?
Ladki: Papa! Fan kharaab ho gaya tha toh maine electrician ko bulaya
hai. Wo fan theek kar raha hai.
Father: OK! Take my briefcase and bring a glass of water.
Ladki: OK!
Ladki takes the briefcase and goes to the kitchen. Father goes to the
ladder, pulls Banta Singh down and slaps him very hard on the face.
Father: Abey sale! Maine tujhe 603 no. pakadne ke liye kaha tha,
toone 360 no. ki bus pakad lee!!!!!

Nehru aur Gandhi

Ek baar Mahatma gandhi aur nehru ek gavon me bhasan dene jate hai
raat bahut ho jati hai
isliye wo gavn me he rookne ka faisla kerte hai
Nehru aur gandhi pakke dost the isliy wo ek hi ghar me ek he bed per
so jate hai
Raat ko nehru ko sapna aata hai ki wo swarg lok me pahuch gaya hai
waha sabse pahle usko urvashi apsra milti hai wo uska band baja deta
hai (sapne me)
thodi door jane per usko menka apsra milti hai wo uska bhi band baja
deta hai
thodi door jata hai to usko inder devta ki biwi milti hai
wo uska bhi band bajane wala hota hai ki itne me inder aa jate hai
aur wo kehte hai
tumne hamari do apserao ka band baja diya wo bhi bina puche
Tum agar meri biwi ka band bajana chahte ho to tumhe ek shart puri
kerni hogi
nehru ne pucha kaun se ?
inder ne ek manter padha aur jamin per Phook mari
Turant waha per ghas ka ek guchchha paida ho gaya
tumhe isko ukhad ker ke dikhana hoga tabhi tum qualify keroge agar
nahi ukhdi to tumhari mout pakki hai
Jaise he nehru ne ghas ka guchchha pakda aur usko ukhadane ke koshish
keri
tabhi gandhi jag gaya aur nehru ki gan d per ek jor ke lat mari aur
keha
Behan ke lund??
do baar gaand maar li to maine kuch nahi keha ke chalo dost hai
ab kya jhaante bhi ukhadega