* We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* This is not an abandoned vehicle.
* I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
* It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
* Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
* Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
* My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
* When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
* I is a college student.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* Eschew obfuscation.
* Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law' s face on the back of a milk carton.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Don't steal. The government hates competition.
* Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
* Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
* I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
* Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
* Friends don't let friends drive naked.
* There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
* If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
* When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
* Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
* The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
* An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
* I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
* No radio. Already stolen.
* Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
* I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
* My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
* If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!
* "KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING
* My wife's other car is a broom.
* Constipated people don't give a shit.
* Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
* Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
* If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
* It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
* I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.
