Truisms
1. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.
2. Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
4. Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.
5. Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
6. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.
7. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!
8. You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!
9. Forgive your enemies but remember their names
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
It was a little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to
play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the
students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy
kiss.
She asked "Do you know what it is?" Kenny replied "No"
The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Kenny
did so.
The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Kenny said
"Nooooo."
The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint...it is something your daddy
wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little
girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "KENNY, SPIT IT
OUT......... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."
