| Funny puns * * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. * Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. * A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. * He wears glasses during math because it improves division. ~~~~~~~~~~ Funny puns set 2 * * Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. * It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. * Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. * When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me." ~~~~~~~~~~ Cynical Meanings * Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. * Divorce: Future tense of marriage. * Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either." * Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. * Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. * Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power... * Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. * Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. * Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. * Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. * Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. * Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. ~~~~~~~~~~ Lemon Picking The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well...as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." | ||
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