HAPPY MARRIAGE'S

Happy Marriage's   Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." SHE'S GOOD!) _____   Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) _____   Marriage (Part III) Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) _____   Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

GRANDPA'S WISDOM

Grandpa's Wisdom   This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, . . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."     Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire? A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.   Q) What's the difference between a blonde and a college freshman? A) The blonde has a higher sperm count. Q) What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch? A) A blonde will fuck anyone; a bitch will fuck anyone but you.   Q. "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?" A. "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"     There once was a whore from Dundee, Who charged an extremely low fee "I'll give you a fuck For just half a buck And throw in my asshole for free.   There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well. He would finger and fuck one, But never would suck one--- He just couldn't get used to the smell.   There was a young girl from Seattle Who got her kicks sucking off cattle, 'til a bull from the South Popped a load in her mouth That made both her ovaries rattle.   There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches And she often said, "Shit! Why, I'd give either tit For a man with equipment that matches."