The Evil Image

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide...

 

 He lost his job, his home and his car..

Out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was.

The man replies he has nothing to live for... everything is gone.

 

The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant him
three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

 

The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered.

 

 First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is
now Senior VP at IBM..

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, and the evil image tells the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.

 

"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed.

 

They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

 

 "Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"

 

With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"
_________________

 

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral
sex on his old lady.  The woman at the front desk gave him a key
and told him to go to room 319.  He went in and there he saw his
lady of the evening.

He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and
told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty
good at it.  But something strange happened.  About five minutes
into the deed he felt something in his mouth.  He stealthily spit
it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of
carrot.

"Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

"Christ!  I can't take this much more.  There's something wrong
with this bitch." But again he said nothing and gave it one more
shot.

This time it was a piece of chicken.  He could stand it no
longer.

"Fuck!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."

Johnny Fuckauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"

--------

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."