I owe My Mother

1..  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"  Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me." 

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 

8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper." 

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it." 

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.." 

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting  like your father!" 

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 

16.. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get  home." 

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you  get home!" 

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me."

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father." 

23.. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my  favorite:

 

 25..  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pit bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your 100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"