Teachers

Teachers: These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers

in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded

(but, boy, are these funny!).

12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

11. I would not allow this student to breed.

10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..

7. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

6. This child has been working with glue too much.

5. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

3. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.



Cops: These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota... Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

Women's Are Very Difficult..

If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
you are not a man

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If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing

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If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding

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If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing

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If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy

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If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her

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If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her


If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way


If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"


If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage


If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction


If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring


If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk


In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful... ....WOMEN!