RETIRED HUSBAND
After he retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to our local superstore.
Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday his dear wife, Joan received the following letter from the store:
Dear Mrs. Turnbull,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Turnbull, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms on easy payments.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10:
While handling guns in the sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the shop assistants passed out.
After he retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to our local superstore.
Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday his dear wife, Joan received the following letter from the store:
Dear Mrs. Turnbull,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Turnbull, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms on easy payments.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10:
While handling guns in the sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the shop assistants passed out.
