I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $+^= yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I
mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, #@*^, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-!@+#=!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ^$$!^&@s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Have a good day
Charlie
A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.
So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"
Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?"
The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.
He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"
Hampster
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all your expenses".
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew off to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means".
The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the distraught wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without".
MAKING YOUR SERVICEMAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has had a chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best but anytime after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it will be back in service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of recycled computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are off in the room where the machine is located and no one is oin the area that knows how to turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups of coffee lying about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making refrence to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each one can drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide suggestions on how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a steady stream of chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the floor, then ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and then ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his attention, ask again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is money, you know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a discount because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's motto: "DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you don't fuck with it.
