'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.' Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
'Africans, any Africans on board?' No one answers
'Ok then, 'B'. Black people, any black people?' Again, silence.
'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board? Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. 'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'
'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let Dem , Mexicans, and Muslims go first.'
You know you're real lonely when you practice yoga so you can give yourself head.
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off." (Conan O'Brien)
If you're into bestiality, I recommend deer, because you get the most bang for your buck. (Kim Moser from Ruminations)
I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on the couch and the channel changer just got in the way, but he said the odds were pretty remote. (Jerry Embry)
"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet."
I don't need cyber-sex. Windows goes down on me all the time!
Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse?
"THINGS WOMEN DO THAT DRIVE MEN INSANE"
by Xebot
I hate it when my girlfriend gets PMS. To me, PMS stands for "Pack My Suitcase."
My girlfriend leaves hair all over my sink and bathtub. I step out of the house for an hour, and when I come back, my bathroom looks like a nativity scene. What is she DOING in there? Running an Arabian carwash? For 10 bucks, your camel gets to sit in my sink for an hour?
Women are always late. I show up on time, and she keeps me waiting for 30 minutes. Here I am, trying to make small-talk with her room mate, who is a shoe-in for the lead in "The Glass Menagerie." I always try to break something, just to show that I've read the play.
You see, women aren't actually DOING anything for those 30 minutes, it's just their way of showing you who's really in charge. Once I was five-minutes late. My girlfriend answered the door, fully dressed and holding her purse. She asked, "Where have you been?
I've been waiting and waiting!" I said, "Let's go." She said, "Gimme 30 minutes -- and don't break anything."
Why do women paint their toenails? Because, although they can't keep their boyfriends waiting forever, this will at least add another 30 minutes.
Why do women always sound like they want to move in next door to you?
Every girl I date seems to ask the same questions when she visits my
apartment: "How much do you pay for rent? Do they have any vacancies? Do they have a room with a view . . . like, of your front door?"
I hate breast implants. It's hard to get excited about a nipple filled with 10W-40. I just don't care for the smell of Volkswagen in the morning.
When my girlfriend gets upset, she runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. I try to be mature and just wait her out; so I drink a couple of beers, then pee on her cat.
Aspiring psychiatrists
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the U Iowa student.
"And the opposite of Depression?" He asked a young lady from Northwestern University.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of Woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail.
There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
