After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.
He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."
Bowlegged
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"
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Rude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,
"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
Joann
The Army Chimp
A man showed up at M & T Stadium in Baltimore with a chimpanzee in tow. It was named Douglas, and was dressed up in a MacArthur costume complete with the crushed cap, aviator sunglasses, and corncob pipe and well worn, pressed khakis. Everyone remarked on how cute he was.
The man and his chimp took their seats in the Army rooting section.
It was well before kickoff - in fact well before the march-ons by both academies. After the march-ons the teams came onto the field to do their warm-ups and exercises.
At that point the chimp leapt out onto the field and began returning practice punts. He retrieved some errant passes thrown by the Army quarterbacks. He ran over and picked up some mule poop. A busy chimp indeed.
After the teams retired to their locker rooms to complete their pre- game rituals, they again took the field. The chimp led the Army team out with a series of cartwheels and back flips, never losing his cap or corncob pipe while doing so.
He returned to his seat for the playing of the National Anthem.
Everyone in his section remarked on what a well-trained chimp he was. Of course he saluted (and covered his ears when the Navy jets performed their salute.
The game started. The chimp was in a near-delirious state as Army drove down the filed. However he almost fainted when they missed a field goal, wide right.
Army later kicked a field goal and the chimp went bananas.
Cartwheels, push-ups, handstands, name it; he did them all.
Unfortunately that was all the scoring Army could come up with. The neighbors in the stands, very impressed, asked what the chimp did when Army wins the game.
"I don't really know', the man said. "He's only six and a half years old!"
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Hard-hearted bitch
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"
One Liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the scout master.
Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why is that, Davey?" asked the scout master.
"Well," answered Davey, "the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scout master impatiently.
Davey replied, "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, `Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'"
