Here are a list of rules that may be very helpful to
determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other:
1. Oral Sex does not count. That much has been established.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
it doesn't count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
it doesn't count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count.
5. Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another thing for you share
together! (Now you have something to tell women when they say they
just want to be friends!)
6. If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I
really need a shower for that?" doesn't count.
7. An old flame, doesn't count. This is just called final closure.
8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count. This is mercy sex.
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same.
Nope doesn't count, since masturbation isn't sex. That too
has been established.
10. Cyber-sex? NO WAY! This is glorified masturbation.
11. Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex,
doesn't count.
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.
13. An act to make a married person feel good about
themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their
significant other on a first-name basis.
14. A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated,
doesn't count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your
significant other doesn't count. This should just be
referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."
16. Acts committed in a public place doesn't count.
(Why should it? It was public, right?).
17. Phone sex doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified
masturbation."
18. Sex in car, doesn't count. Way too cramped to
really enjoy it. However, if vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, because it
is way too kinky and erotic NOT TO count. Well, unless
the act was totally oral. If so, refer back to rule #1.
19. An act in which the female did not achieve total
satisfaction doesn't count.
20. An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't count,
because it isn't considered intimate.
21. An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't count.
That's work!
22. An act committed with your next door neighbor doesn't
count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly."
23. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count. Well,
you were angry, and everyone knows no one is responsible
for their own feelings. See rule #14.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count. This should be considered "getting acquainted."
26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes to impeach.
27. An act with your boss, doesn't count. This is just
considered career enhancement and/or additional employee
benefits.
WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social
disease DOES count, since such things provide constant reminders.
