Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress..............
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress..............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *^&%%$$$ barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned
in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from,
you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!
