The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers. Cinderella continues to cry and says "
I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there"
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside. Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball"
Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight"
Is Rolf There?
Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
;The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
Paul
Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist.
"My husband," she said, "is convinced he's a chicken. He goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood he has fixed up as a perch."
"I see," said the psychiatrist thoughtfully. "And how long has your husband been suffering from this fixation?"
"For nearly two years now."
The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said, "But why have you waited till now to seek help?"
Mrs. Jones blushed and said, "Oh, well - it was so nice having a steady supply of eggs."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your damn brother won't let me in without a tie."
Stan
A terrific explosion took place in a gunpowder factory. Once all the mess had been cleared up, an inquiry began. One of the survivors was being interviewed about the cause of the blast.
"Okay, Simpson, you were near the scene. What happened?"
"Well, it's like this, sir. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"Charley Higgins was smoking in the mixing room?!? Do you know how long he had been with the company?"
"I think it was about twenty years, wasn't it?"
"Yes. Twenty years in the company and he went and struck a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought something like that would be the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir," he said sadly, "it was."
Stan
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash and the light turns yellow.
The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and scream curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The police officer tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the police officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
