The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Bye-Bye Lexus!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.
The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
Top Ten Reason God Created Eve:
#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he would not ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for him self.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
#2 As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
#1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: "I can do better than that."
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.
All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Tiger Woods. CAN I GO NOW?"
