Jan 21, 2013
Jan 17, 2013
Life's Crazy Rules
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Wicked Employee Appraisals
Wicked Employee Appraisals (True)
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
__._,_.___
Jan 15, 2013
Famous People Resume Qualifications
Famous People Resume Qualifications
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
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