When I was 4 Yrs Old : My father is THE BEST
..........
When I was 6 Yrs Old : My father seems to know everyone
.........
When I was 10 Yrs Old : My father is excellent but he is short tempered
.........
When I was 12 Yrs Old : My father was nice when I was little
..........
When I was 14 Yrs Old : My father started being too sensitive
..........
When I was 16 Yrs Old : My father can't keep up with modern time
...........
When I was 18 Yrs Old : My father is getting less tolerant as the days pass by
...........
When I was 20 Yrs Old : It is too hard to forgive my father, how could my Mum stand him all these years
............When I was 25 Yrs Old : My father seems to be objecting to everything I do
............ ..
When I was 30 Yrs Old: It's very difficult to be in agreement with my father, I wonder if my Grandfather was troubled by my father when he was a youth
............ ....
When I was 40 Yrs Old: My father brought me up with a lot of discipline, I must do the same
............ .....
When I was 45 Yrs Old: I am puzzled, how did my father manage to raise all of us
............ ...
When I was 50 Yrs Old : It's rather difficult to control my kids, how much did my father suffer for the sake of upbringing and protecting us
............ .
When I was 55 Yrs Old: My father was far looking and had wide plans for us, he was gentle and outstanding..
.............
When I became 60 Yrs Old: My father is THE BEST
...........
Note that it took 56 Yrs to complete the cycle and return to the starting point 'My father is THE BEST '
............. .
Let's be good to our parents before it's too late and pray to God that our own children will treat us even better than the way we treated our parents.
Apr 30, 2010
AAADD :-)
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop anddiscover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop anddiscover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Apr 29, 2010
The Sneeze
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium.. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements- The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine..... A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.... All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU' And he walked off stage.... The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval. Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends..... This is a true story |
Apr 28, 2010
The Train
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old
lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Bush has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she
slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Bush must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him..
Bush thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
Are you ready for this??????
Obama thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the
"SHIT" out of Bush again!
lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Bush has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she
slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Bush must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him..
Bush thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
Are you ready for this??????
Obama thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the
"SHIT" out of Bush again!
IPL Awards !!!!
Dear All, (only those interested in ongoing IPL )
Later this week, the IPL awards will be handed out and, in keeping with the glitz and glamour and off-field antics that characterize this version of the game, it's got everyone in a tizzy. Normally, the names of winners are kept a closely guarded secret but with so many secrets tumbling out of the IPL closet, this one too has been leaked. Here is the jury, the categories and the winners.
IPL Awards Jury
Pranab Mukherjee, P. Chidambaram, INC (Indian News Channels), Lalu Prasad Yadav, Brinda Karat, Shobhaa De, Income Tax Department.
2010 IPL Award Winners
Most Promising Player:
Lalit Modi for making too many promises he couldn't keep.
Best IPL Debutante:
Shashi Tharoor who scored heavily without playing a match.
Most Powerful Hitter:
Sharad Pawar, as former BCCI boss he has final say on IPL's future.
Best Catch:
Deepika Padukone, by Royal Challengers and Siddharta Mallya in particular.
Best Stumping:
Lalit Modi by Shashi Tharoor.
Most Male Fan Following:
Cheerleaders.
Most Female Fan Following:
Lalit Modi (being chased for VIP passes).
Worst Match:
Shashi Tharoor and Sunanda Pushkar.
Best Match:
Nita Ambani and Sachin Tendulkar.
Costliest Dropped Catch:
Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia.
Costliest Match:
Ravi Shastri and Sunil Gavaskar.
Best Commentator:
Mandira Bedi (when she wasn't speaking).
Worst Commentator:
Danny Morrison (when he was speaking).
Most Consistent Performer:
SRK (whenever he knew the camera was on him).
Most Inconsistent Performer:
Yuvraj Singh (when the camera focused on him batting).
Most Dramatic Performance:
Katrina Kaif In IPL's Bangalore Royal Challengers Music Video.
Best New Cricketing Term:
Sweat Equity.
Best Expert Comment:
Lalu Yadav on his son: "Yadavs should not be carrying towels and water bottles."
I WANT TO BE A TV
A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
At the end of the day while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.
Her husband, that had just walked in saw her crying and asked her: - What happened?
She answered - Read this. It's one of my students essays
Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place. Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk.... I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working.
Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.
And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me...
And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me...
I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.
And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...
Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV
At that moment the husband said: - 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!
She looked up at him and said: - 'That essay is our son's !
IT SERVES 'EM RIGHT
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait
Painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with
Diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald
Bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."
Painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with
Diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald
Bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before
My husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I
Want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
My husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I
Want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Coaching!!
A must read for Grandparents.
( Those who aren't will love it, too. )
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it ???'
The little boy shook his head,, 'NO' !! .
' GOOD ', said the coach.
' Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'
Playboy Calender 2010
Due to the poor economy, Playboy has made some cut backs:
The Financial crisis has hit the calendar girls as well.
Miss Jan
Miss Feb
Miss March
Miss April
Miss May
Miss June
We regret to inform you that our
photographer has committed suicide!
Therefore, the Playboy Calendar has been
discontinued!
Due to the poor economy, Playboy has made some cut backs:
The Financial crisis has hit the calendar girls as well.
Miss Jan
Miss Feb
Miss March
Miss April
Miss May
Miss June
We regret to inform you that our
photographer has committed suicide!
Therefore, the Playboy Calendar has been
discontinued!
Apr 27, 2010
What Happens in Heaven
This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.
My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This Is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to GOD said in prayer are Received..'
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world..
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, 'This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them.'
I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the Door of a very small station To my great surprise, only one angel was Seated there, idly doing nothing. 'This is the Acknowledgment Section,' My angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed 'How Is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.
'So sad,' the angel sighed. 'After people receive the blessings that they asked For, very few send back acknowledgments .'
'How does one acknowledge GOD's blessings?' I asked.
'Simple,' the angel answered. Just say, 'Thank you, LORD.'
'What blessings should they acknowledge?' I asked.
'If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy .'
'And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.'
Also ......
' If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .'
'If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation .. You are ahead of 700 million people in the world.'
'If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare .'
'If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair.'
Ok, what now? How can I start?
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
ATTN:
Acknowledge Dept.: 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with.
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.
My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This Is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to GOD said in prayer are Received..'
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world..
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, 'This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them.'
I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the Door of a very small station To my great surprise, only one angel was Seated there, idly doing nothing. 'This is the Acknowledgment Section,' My angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed 'How Is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.
'So sad,' the angel sighed. 'After people receive the blessings that they asked For, very few send back acknowledgments .'
'How does one acknowledge GOD's blessings?' I asked.
'Simple,' the angel answered. Just say, 'Thank you, LORD.'
'What blessings should they acknowledge?' I asked.
'If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy .'
'And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.'
Also ......
' If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .'
'If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation .. You are ahead of 700 million people in the world.'
'If your parents are still alive and still married ...you are very rare .'
'If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair.'
Ok, what now? How can I start?
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
ATTN:
Acknowledge Dept.: 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with.
The Dead Frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. That's the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter."
"After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught."
"When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease."
"Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it."
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Postman will deliver the mail, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease."
"And he's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog!"
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. That's the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter."
"After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught."
"When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease."
"Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it."
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Postman will deliver the mail, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease."
"And he's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog!"
Just three words.....
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
See The Guts
On a ship, the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers.
They started an argument on whose soldier had more guts.
The American General called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship.
The soldier did as he was commanded. The American General boasted of by saying, “See the guts!“
Now the German General called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The soldier did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German General said, “See the guts!“
Now the Indian General called out for his most Courageous man And asked him to take five similar rounds.
The soldier promptly replied, “Tere baap ka naukar hoon kya? ” (Am I your Father’s servant?)
The general proudly said, “See the guts!”
You May be an engg,, if
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero :D
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero :D
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
Apr 26, 2010
Signs to Make you Laugh
# Sign on a railway station at Patna :
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!
# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.
# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :
we need your heads to run our business.
# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....
#THE BEST ONE :
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.'
- Indian Armed Forces
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!
# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.
# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :
we need your heads to run our business.
# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....
#THE BEST ONE :
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.'
- Indian Armed Forces
Computers - Males or Females????
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain.
So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for them.
He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain.
So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for them.
Lion Tamer
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer. Two young people showed up. One was a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other was an attractive woman about the same age.
"I'm not going to sugarcoat it," the circus owner said to them, "This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a tranquilizer gun, just in case. Who wants to go first?"
"I'll go first," the girl said. She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion began to snarl and pant and then charge toward her. Just then, she threw open her coat and revealed her beautiful nude body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to the woman and started licking her ankles. He continued upward to lick her calves, then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he said. He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," the young man replied. "Just get that lion out of the cage!"
"I'm not going to sugarcoat it," the circus owner said to them, "This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a tranquilizer gun, just in case. Who wants to go first?"
"I'll go first," the girl said. She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion began to snarl and pant and then charge toward her. Just then, she threw open her coat and revealed her beautiful nude body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to the woman and started licking her ankles. He continued upward to lick her calves, then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he said. He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," the young man replied. "Just get that lion out of the cage!"
Picture Frame
A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said. He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames. "Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman, "Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said. He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames. "Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman, "Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
Baseball Musings
We were sitting down watching the game and letting our minds wander the other day, when all these thoughts about baseball just started occurring to us:
Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Mexico.
Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.
Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them, just like baseball fans.
Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.
Every baseball season, the fans are afraid the players on their team will be traded, and the fans of the (insert losing team here) are afraid their players won't be.
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is ruining the AstroTurf.
It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitement to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.
Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.
There's something wrong with society when you can save up $2 million and still not be able to buy a left-handed pitcher.
After football, basketball and hockey, finally, baseball - a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning, the DH drives all the drunk fans home?
Lights, camera, spit!
Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Mexico.
Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.
Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them, just like baseball fans.
Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.
Every baseball season, the fans are afraid the players on their team will be traded, and the fans of the (insert losing team here) are afraid their players won't be.
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is ruining the AstroTurf.
It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitement to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.
Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.
There's something wrong with society when you can save up $2 million and still not be able to buy a left-handed pitcher.
After football, basketball and hockey, finally, baseball - a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning, the DH drives all the drunk fans home?
Lights, camera, spit!
Workplace Lingo
Ever wonder about the meaning of all those new words that are being spoken around the water cooler? Here's a handy guide to all those new words and their definitions:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or why a project failed and who was responsible.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs, as in, "We had three serious students in the class. The rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among micro-serfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot, for example, is a serious CLM.
CEB (Career Ending Blunder) - A really serious CLM.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM and CEB)
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. This term is derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip. Example: "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week!"
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and have someone else get the benefit.
404 - A state of cluelessness. Derived from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document could not be located. An example: "Don't bother asking him, he's 404, man!"
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.
GOOD QUESTION - Any question a member of management cannot answer.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or why a project failed and who was responsible.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs, as in, "We had three serious students in the class. The rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among micro-serfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot, for example, is a serious CLM.
CEB (Career Ending Blunder) - A really serious CLM.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM and CEB)
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. This term is derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip. Example: "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week!"
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and have someone else get the benefit.
404 - A state of cluelessness. Derived from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document could not be located. An example: "Don't bother asking him, he's 404, man!"
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.
GOOD QUESTION - Any question a member of management cannot answer.
Non-stop Flight
A mathematician was flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time was nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announced that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure. "Don't worry, we're safe," he assured the passengers. "The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informed the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure. "But don't worry," he added. "We're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine failed and had to be turned off. The pilot came over the intercom with the news. "Don't worry," he once again stated, "Even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will now take sixteen hours for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician turned to a fellow passenger and remarked, "If the last engine breaks down, we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
Eye Examination
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.
"I'm getting married soon," the girl told the doctor as he examined her.
After he completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor, "I don't believe in specs before marriage!"
"I'm getting married soon," the girl told the doctor as he examined her.
After he completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor, "I don't believe in specs before marriage!"
First Child
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. They were sitting at home relaxing when suddenly, she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening. "Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She's shouting out, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!' over and over again, with an occasional Isn't! and Won't! thrown in. What's going on? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife?" the man was frantic.
"Not to worry," said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly normal and part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's all!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening. "Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She's shouting out, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!' over and over again, with an occasional Isn't! and Won't! thrown in. What's going on? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife?" the man was frantic.
"Not to worry," said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly normal and part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's all!"
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Bee In My Pussy
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the woman's pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
99.95% Wrong Answer Challenge
*It is a 99.95% challenge that u will have a wrong answer to the question asked in the passage...*
Once there was loving couple travelling in a bus in a mountainous area. They decided to get down at some place.
After the couple got down at some place the bus moved on. As the bus moved on, a huge rock fell on the bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs. Everybody on board was killed. The couple upon seeing that, said, "*We wish we were on that bus*" Why do u think they said that ?
Scroll down for answer...
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------------------- Answer !!!! -------------------
*If they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get down, the resulting time delay could have been avoided and the rock would have fallen
after the bus had passed ..!!!*
*Think positive in life always and look for opportunities when u can help others
....Many times in life, the opposite of Success is not Failure, its
Quitting. Winners never quit, quitters never Win....*
Accident Report
Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the
forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”
“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”
“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”
“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”
“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”
“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”
“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”
“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”
“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”
“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”
“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
Never even had a chance
A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it
10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck…..
10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck…..
Doctor's Receptionist
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A Quickie in the Bushes
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.'
----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.'
----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
Got Water?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you,but I must find water first!
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead..
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'
LESSON FOR TODAY:
Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble.
And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember:
Not everyone who shows up, is there to help you!
55098)
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR !!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
20 Lines to make you smile :)
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Top 5 summer flirting tips
Karina Bose was watching Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and couldn't stop laughing when Suchitra Krishnamoorthi got angry after Shah Rukh Khan called her a flirt.
A surprised Karina says, "What was so insulting about it? What's wrong with a little harmless flirting!" We're with you Karina! There's nothing wrong about it. In fact, it can mean a lot of fun.
Haven't tried it yet? Well you are missing out on something, so here are some tips.
Look shy and sexy
Neha Arora, 26, an MBA student, says you should dress in a sexy manner, without looking provocative. "You might end up attracting the wrong kind of guys, if you're showing too much skin," she says.
Neha uses the coy, vulnerable look instead. "And boy, does it work! I have got myself a lot of dates with that look," she says.
Use your eyes
Rebecca Ferreira, a 25-year-old textile designer, says using your eyes is the best way to communicate. "Once he catches your eye, raise your eyebrow and give him the once-over from top to bottom and back again!
Then flash a flirtatious smile in his direction and he'll instantly be drawn towards you," she says.
Use the magic touch
"It helps to get a little touchy-feely when you are flirting," says 23-year-old psychology student Anita Rebello. She suggests you pretend to reach out just beyond the guy's shoulder and (innocently!) put your hand on his shoulder.
"You don't need to do much. A light touch will communicate your interest," she adds.
Body language
"Always keep your cool and don't appear too eager," advises Karuna Pradhan, a 27-year-old interior decorator. But let yourself loose. Yes, we mean literally!
"Don't hold your limbs too tightly against your body. Maintain a little distance, but not so much that you are completely out of his personal space," Karuna says.
Flirting is a great stress reliever, but if you don't intend to take him home with you for the night, don't take it too far. Learn the difference between harmless flirting and giving out a signal that you're available for some naughty fun.
"It's safest to flirt while you are hanging out with your friends. If things get out of hand, you have help at hand," adds Neha.
A surprised Karina says, "What was so insulting about it? What's wrong with a little harmless flirting!" We're with you Karina! There's nothing wrong about it. In fact, it can mean a lot of fun.
Haven't tried it yet? Well you are missing out on something, so here are some tips.
Look shy and sexy
Neha Arora, 26, an MBA student, says you should dress in a sexy manner, without looking provocative. "You might end up attracting the wrong kind of guys, if you're showing too much skin," she says.
Neha uses the coy, vulnerable look instead. "And boy, does it work! I have got myself a lot of dates with that look," she says.
Use your eyes
Rebecca Ferreira, a 25-year-old textile designer, says using your eyes is the best way to communicate. "Once he catches your eye, raise your eyebrow and give him the once-over from top to bottom and back again!
Then flash a flirtatious smile in his direction and he'll instantly be drawn towards you," she says.
Use the magic touch
"It helps to get a little touchy-feely when you are flirting," says 23-year-old psychology student Anita Rebello. She suggests you pretend to reach out just beyond the guy's shoulder and (innocently!) put your hand on his shoulder.
"You don't need to do much. A light touch will communicate your interest," she adds.
Body language
"Always keep your cool and don't appear too eager," advises Karuna Pradhan, a 27-year-old interior decorator. But let yourself loose. Yes, we mean literally!
"Don't hold your limbs too tightly against your body. Maintain a little distance, but not so much that you are completely out of his personal space," Karuna says.
Flirting is a great stress reliever, but if you don't intend to take him home with you for the night, don't take it too far. Learn the difference between harmless flirting and giving out a signal that you're available for some naughty fun.
"It's safest to flirt while you are hanging out with your friends. If things get out of hand, you have help at hand," adds Neha.
dog biscuits
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
Apr 25, 2010
The Evil Image
A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide...
He lost his job, his home and his car..
Out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was.
The man replies he has nothing to live for... everything is gone.
The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant him
three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.
three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.
The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered.
First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.
Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is
now Senior VP at IBM..
Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, and the evil image tells the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.
"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."
They go under the bridge, and the act is performed.
They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.
"Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"
With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"
_________________
_________________
A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral
sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key
and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his
lady of the evening.
He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and
told him to get down to it.
He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty
good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes
into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit
it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of
carrot.
"Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.
Five minutes later he came up with a pea.
"Christ! I can't take this much more. There's something wrong
with this bitch." But again he said nothing and gave it one more
shot.
This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no
longer.
"Fuck! I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"
"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."
sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key
and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his
lady of the evening.
He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and
told him to get down to it.
He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty
good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes
into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit
it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of
carrot.
"Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.
Five minutes later he came up with a pea.
"Christ! I can't take this much more. There's something wrong
with this bitch." But again he said nothing and gave it one more
shot.
This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no
longer.
"Fuck! I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"
"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."