School Papers

School Papers A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers: 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth. 5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline. 7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long. 8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.' 9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head. 11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.' 12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. 14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large. 17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. 18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. 19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. 20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

--
°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

Mystery Of The Day

Mystery Of The Day - What Is This?  Do you know what this is? No? What you been looking at is tiger's dried penis. In China Tiger's Dried Penis is considered a sex talisman. Some people lick it others chip a little off and drink it with tea to make their penis stronger. You can see that it works...the largest population in the world, probably thanks to dried tiger penises

--
°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

Pamela

__._,_.___

Bihar Driving License Form

Bihar Driving License Form DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM ------------------------------------------ ----------------------- NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason. 1. Last name: (_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no (Check karet box) 2. First name: (_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no (Check karet box) 3. Age: (_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no (Check karet box) 4. ***: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable 5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right 6.Occupason: (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed (Check karet box) 7. Number of children libing in the household: ___ 8. Number that are yours: ___ 9. Mather name: _______________________ 10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank) 11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) 12. Dental rekard: (_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color (Check karet box) 13.Your thumb imparessan : ____________________________ (If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impressan.) PLEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand. NOTE: IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE. WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS -=- Bihar RTO

_

Masturbate

__._,_.___

Expressions Explained

Expressions Explained In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." --- As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. --- In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board." --- Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt...therefore, the expression losing face." --- Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace. --- Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." --- Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." --- At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's."

--
°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

Hot Bait

__._,_.___

Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

 

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your  heart would be just below your left breast'.

 

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

6 principles of life

6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE 1· No point using limited life to chase unlimited money. 2· No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it. 3· Money is not yours until you spend it. 4· When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it is too late. 5· How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs. 6· No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with. Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!  This is the proof that you don't have to have money to be happy.

Some Facts about Blood Donation

1. Red blood cells must be used within 42 days. 2. Blood makes up about 7 percent of your body's weight. 3. The average adult has 10 pints of blood in his or her body. 4. Blood fights against infection and helps heal wounds, keeping you healthy. 5. Red blood cells carry oxygen to the body's organs and tissue. 6. There are about one billion red blood cells in two to three drops of blood. 7. Red blood cells live about 120 days in the circulatory system. 8. Platelets must be used within five days of collection, hence blood donations are especially needed around 3-day weekends. 9. Plasma can be frozen and used for up to a year. 10. Healthy bone marrow makes a constant supply of red cells, plasma and platelets. 11. People who have been in car accidents and suffered massive blood loss can need transfusions of 50 units or more of red blood cells. 12. Plasma is a pale yellow mixture of water, proteins and salts. 13. Plasma, which is 90 percent water, constitutes 55 percent of blood volume. 14. Cancer, transplant and trauma patients and patients undergoing open heart surgery require platelet transfusions to survive. 15. White cells are the body's primary defense against infection. 16. There is no substitute for human blood. 17. Much of today's medical care depends on a steady supply of blood from healthy donors. 18. People donate blood out of a sense of duty and community spirit, not to make money. 19. Every two seconds someone needs blood. 20. Approximately 32,000 units of blood are used each day in the United States. 21. Blood centers often run short of type O and B blood. 22. Shortages of all types of blood occur during the summer and winter holidays. 23. Anyone who is in good health, is at least 17 years old, and weighs at least 110 pounds may donate blood every 56 days. 24. The actual blood donation usually takes less than 10 minutes. The entire process, from when you sign in to the time you leave, takes about an hour. 25. Giving blood will not decrease your strength. 26. Apheresis (ay-fur-ee-sis) is a special kind of blood donation that allows a donor to give specific blood components, such as platelets. 27. You cannot get AIDS or any other blood disease by donating blood. 28. More than 10 tests are performed on each unit of donated blood. 29. Sickle cell disease is an inherited disease that affects more than 80,000 people in the United States, 98 percent of whom are of African descent. 30. Some patients with complications from severe sickle cell disease receive blood transfusions every month. 31. The average bone marrow transplant requires 120 units of platelets and about 20 units of red blood cells. 32. Severe burn victims can need 20 units of platelets during their treatment. 33. Children being treated for cancer, premature infants, and children having heart surgery need blood and platelets from donors of all types. 34. If you began donating blood at age 17 and donated every 56 days until you reached 76, you would have donated 48 gallons of blood. 35. About 3 gallons of blood supports the entire nation's blood needsfor one minute. 36. One out of every 10 people entering a hospital needs blood. 37. The average red blood cell transfusion is 3.4 pints. 38. Females receive 53% of blood transfused; males receive 47%. 39. A newborn baby has about one cup of blood in his or her body. 40. 60% of the US population is eligible to donate – only 5% do on a yearly basis. 41. After donating blood, you replace your red blood cells within threeto four weeks. However, takes four to six weeks to restore the iron lost after donating. 42. Since a pint is pound, you lose a pound every time you donate blood.

__._,_.___

THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE / GIRLFRIEND IS OVER WHEN...

The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ... - She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish. - The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern." - Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident." - The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - All of your shirts have a target painted on them. - People are already referring to her as the "widow." - You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation. - Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."   A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on it and now it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."   A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of gas hoping to make out. She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it. He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there. There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that. Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"

Probably The Craziest Exam Answer Ever

See me after class!' More insane exam answer

The Magic Twins

The birth of twins is often the case, but many of them have done since childhood separation surgery because of worry about these twins can not live normally until adulthood. But the pictures below show us that there are some magic twins could live normal and grow up into adulthood without separation surgery.

10 Most Disturbing Home Decoration

Doll Drawer Pulls

Drawer pulls made of doll body parts! While the drawings look fine enough, the finished project in the flesh is a bit unsettling. (Link)

Anatomical Print

Anatomical print chairs and pillows by AK-LH remind me to exercise proper posture when sitting. (Link)

Stamping on Hitler

Millions of people would love a chance to wipe their feet on Adolf Hitler and now it looks like they could have the chance with this 'Hitler rug'. The work is by Israeli artist Boaz Arad who says he is hoping to show how the Holocaust has scarred Israel, but also been misused by it. He says the rug is a representation of what a Nazi hunter would do if he caught the ultimate prize, the Nazi leader. (Link)

Human Furniture

Apparently the designer Dzmitry Samal takes the term “table legs” quite literally and they're a bit disturbing. (Link)

Baby Face Tile

Imagine a room full of this tile, a little weird. (Link)

Bleeding Pillar Candles

Made of two-tone wax (white on the outside, red on the inside), these Bleeding Pillar Candles look perfectly normal when sitting atop your coffee table. But light them up and watch as a creepy wax “blood” oozes out the melting candle! (Link)

Damned Lamp

This lampshade is actually a mass of people-shaped ornaments, twisted and frozen into torturous positions, intended to depict humanity's metaphorical fall from grace. All religious commentary aside, it's a dark, dramatic delight. Design by Lux Merx. (Link)

Morbid Mirror

Every morning feels like a scene from a horror flick with this circular saw-shaped mirror by French company, Domestic. (Link)

Blood Bath Mat

Upon entering the bathroom, give your guests the shock of their lives with our Blood Bath Mat! It's the ultra realistic horror genre piece of homeware!

Gruesome, bloody, and absolutely offensive, the Blood Bath Mat is the perfect partner for our famous Blood Bath Shower Curtain. This terrifying blood stained bath mat, we feel, truly pays tribute to those classic Hitchcock and Hammer horror movies of old.
(Link)

Coffee Table Coffin

Worrying that you don't think about death enough in your day-to-day life? Pratt student Charles Constantine is looking to change this and inject a bit of morbidity into the daily routine, with his new design for a coffee table coffin. . Not only can it store books and other knick-knacks like personalmementos, but its ultimate goal is to store YOU – or what remains of you – when you pass on to the next life. (Link)