Expert Sexual Advice
( This is long but very funny and informative. )
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married,
on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his
masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the
bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or
four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in
his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real
conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from
here.
WHERE SHOULD A MAN TAKE ME?
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for
fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or
McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you
know what he's thinking about.
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOESN'T CALL?
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks
to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't,
find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or
works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?"
technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.
WHAT ARE SOME "LOVING NICKNAMES" WE CAN USE?
You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him,
"King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite
lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO KEEP MY TEETH AND SKIN LOOKING HEALTHY AND
SHINY?
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen.
The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better
you'll look.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your
dress.
Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all
help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on
one."
Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take
part.
Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names.
Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you
where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends
an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
IF I GET PREGNANT, HOW DO I KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS?
There is absolutely no way to tell.
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by
confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men
substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to
cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly
larger than a ball-point pen.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go
for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a
man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let
your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty
second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words,
but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like
something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina,
or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really
skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does
to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after
intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to
come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure
you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes.
If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's
penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a
man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a
woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a
man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an
"unnatural"
act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh,
followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you
are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a
football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women
find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into
the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a
light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put
back depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when
she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with
him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on
TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay"
technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do
whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.