One Liners

ONE LINERS · Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. · Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.That'll keep her busy. · I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. · After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. · Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." · My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. · Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. · Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar? · I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. · After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. · A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." · Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. · 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate; when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses