I owe My Mother

1..  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A  JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do  it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME  TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock  you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"  Because I said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going  to the store with me." 

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.." 

8.  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your  supper." 

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on  the back of your neck!" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went  through it." 

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've  told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.." 

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting  like your father!" 

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of  less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents  like you do." 

16.. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get  home." 

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you  get home!" 

18. My mother  taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put  your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20.  My mother taught me  HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me."

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't  eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father." 

23.. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think  you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my  favorite:

 

 25..  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pit bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your 100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?" 

Sick Twisted Jokes

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see
his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling
himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter
pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,...
naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.
Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an
enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new
starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He
said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife
crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q. How do you keep a hard-on?
A. Don't fuck with it.

 

 

 A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. He asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do a woman's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "son, before sex it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

Miscellaneous

John receives a phone call.
Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says,This is Susan.We met at a party about 3
months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan:Yes,it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On
the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

 

hhhhh

 

There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."

Guys are like roses, Watch out for the pricks. Smoke a smoke Not a butt Fuck a virgin Not a slut. Sex is bad Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in.

 

Q. Who was the first soft-drink maker?
A. Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop.

 

hhhhh

 

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this
further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me." 

DEAR BRUCE

Dear Bruce....

 

Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's
magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the
" agony aunt with Balls"

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet.
I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been
there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are
sober anyway.
Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you
one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you
do an Abo (Aborigines) as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos (Kangaroo) too, helps avoid
bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old
girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring.
Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used
it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants
me to do her mate.
A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long
as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the
showers.
Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we
have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?

Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather
trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't
know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're
queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the
word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf..
Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her
practice putting with your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose.
What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever
admit to going with a kiwi.

Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo
sex.
What is it ?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a
f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than
wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is
when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

Bleeding

Bleeding

Bleeding

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested
Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuc*in' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding some
bastard's cut off your cock!"
=======

 

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

"So, what's going on here?" the cop asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

=======

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.
=======

 

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

Husband And Wife

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind
Man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
Overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
Bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
Gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps
It on the Sid ewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
Rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
Crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Why Invest in Laughter

It is impossible to worry while you're laughing.

Humor cuts stress levels in half.

Laughing helps you to stay happy and healthy and
helps you return to good health when ill.

Laughter increases, by 20%, the activity of killer cells within
the body which serve to destroy viruses and tumor cells.

Train yourself to look for the comedy in your chaos.

A sense of humor is the number one survival skill.

George Bernard Shaw once said, "When you find something
funny search it for hidden truth."

"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient
while nature cures the disease." Voltaire

Humor helps us cope, conquer, and carry on.

A good laugh is not only the result of humor,
it is often also the cause.

The body heals with play, the mind heals with
laughter and the spirit heals with joy.

The best exercise is jumping for joy.

"Joy is the serious business of heaven." C.S. Lewis.

We begin to solve our problems when we
begin to see the humor in them.

"Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods."
Japanese proverb.

When we feel like laughing the least , we need it most.

If it feels good to laugh, then laugh to feel good.

A sense of humor is not inherited, it is learned

$20 Bill

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this $20 bill?'

Hands started going up.

He said, 'I am going to give this
$20 to one of you but first, let me
do this.


He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, 'Who still wants it?'

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, 'What if I do this?'

And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty..

'Now, who still wants it?'

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a
very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground
into the dirt by the decisions we
make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it.'

Count your blessings, not your problems.


'And remember:
amateurs built the ark ..

professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
"Life is never the way you want it. So take the opportunity to live it to the fullest! Else you are gonna miss it all together."