The seemingly endless interest in surveying women's attitude towards sex comes down to the stereotypes that are still happily bounced around in our "enlightened, post sealed section society" that "women lie back and think of England, men are always up for it", a sex therapist has claimed.
"The myth that men prefer sex more than women will continually be popularised in the media due to each genders stereotyped sexual status; women are romantic and men just love sex... I do think these studies give the message women are disinterested in sex, but I think this is portrayed by how the study is represented," Stuff quoted Amanda Robb as saying.
According to Robb, stereotypes like women seeking an emotional connection through sex and men wanting just sex are each as damaging as the other.
"We also know that the notion men are 'always up for it' is one of the biggest misconceptions of all... I believe the desire for sexual frequency, for sex to have an emotional connection, and for one's desire to be low is interchangeable between both genders," she said.
Robb says that the problem with media's interest in surveys that conclude that women don't really like sex, is two-fold.
For one, there is the problematic word characterless - a word that has been both the insult of choice by misogynistic shock jocks and reclaimed in characterless walks around the world - but, two, that there is something 'naughty', giggle worthy and shocking about a couple of birds admitting that they like sex.
This attitude is depicted in movies where sex becomes a bargaining chip in a worn-in marriage in Bettina Arndt's 'The Sex Diaries' in which dozens of men said they didn't get enough sex and in jokes among women about not wanting to have sex with their partners.
Sex then becomes either something for the footloose and fancy free or a chore for the partnered up woman.
As silly as these surveys may be, the danger lies in the stereotypes that underpin them. Sex is a normal, fun and an important part of many romantic relationships, and indeed life.
It's not always straightforward though, and intimacy issues that may arise in a partnership go far beyond any 'would you prefer chocolate to sex' survey.
As sex therapist Amanda Robb points out, issues such as you or your partner losing interest in sex requires much "talking it out" to find out the real problems.
"Personally I don't think anyone should have sex when they do not desire it to please another person. I think this idea has the potential to remove sex from being an intimate experience shared between loved ones, to seeming like a 'chore' or 'responsibility' in a marriage or relationship, and sex should never be a 'task' ... The healthiest way to trouble shoot this is by talking it out. Tip: Find out what impacts each other's desire in order to understand why each partner needs to fuel a healthy desire," Robb said.
If you pinpoint the trouble, says Robb, you can start working through to a solution.
"Once you understand the issues that may be affecting the desire to have sex you can support each other to alleviate them. Reclaiming a happy sex life together can be as simple as changing a relationship routine i.e.: switching the time of day you have sex from night to morning, spending more time on initial play, creating a relaxed environment and eliminating daily distractions from the bedroom," Robb said.
"Relationship habits or 'norms' can be the unrecognised barriers impacting your partner's desire. Once they are identified they can be changed to accommodate a more pleasant sex life for the two of you," she added.
The first time you have sex, it's not all smooth sailing. In fact, many fears are attached to it. Dr Mahinder Watsa tells you what to expect (and what not to expect) the first time you have sex with someone.
There'll be many a slip Everybody wants their first time to be perfect. Some even envision it to be some kind of fairytale moment. Nothing wrong with that, but one should know that there could be slip-ups, all the same. The man often wishes sex to last longer, but if he reaches climax early (presumably due to a rush of excitement), it is okay! Some may even fail to achieve the tool's readiness and in that moment of disappointment, label themselves as not being 'up to the mark'. If that is what you think, it is a big mistake. You can always end the session with ample initial play. If things don't go as planned in the very first time, there's always a second time. If a man can achieve the tool's readiness during self play, he is normal. So just relax and go with the flow.
Yes, it hurts, but wait For women, the first time can be a little painful, but hang on. It's not the pain that they must dread. In most cases, the pain is almost like that of finger prick. However, it's the fear of pain that makes things worse. The hype surrounding the pain often induces fear in women, resulting in spasms at the slightest touch. This is where it is important for the partner to step in. Firstly, ensure she feels comfortable with you. Ample initial play is a must to get the female lubricated. The key is to take it slow.
Bleeding? Maybe. maybe not That a woman must bleed during her first sex is undoubtedly the most misguided notion people harbour. The bleeding occurs when the hymen splits. However, why is it so difficult to understand that the same hymen which is considered a mark of virginity by many men can also split due to other reasons? Rigorous exercises such as cycling can split the hymen. In some cases, it may even be congenitally absent. The hymen can also rupture, when women self play. Bleeding, or no bleeding, the fact that you are close enough to your partner to get sexually intimate demands you also put a certain level of trust in her. Doubts, if any, should be cleared right in the beginning, and not in the bed.
Contraception can fail One wrong move is enough to invite unwanted pregnancy. Don't rely on withdrawal method or the safe days of the woman's menstrual cycle. Unmarried couples must use condoms. If marriage is around the corner, the woman can visit her gynaecologist a month before the wedding. The doctor will put her on oral contraceptives, safe enough to see the couple through the honeymoon phase. Later, the couple can consult the gynaecologist and select the contraceptive method that suits them the best.
It will get messy When body fluids are exchanged, it can get quite messy. But there are no two ways about it. Either you do it, or you don't. So don't fret too much about unwanted stains and keep an extra sheet handy.
