GreenGod's Blog: 02/22/12

Feb 22, 2012

Insurance of the Unborn (Hilarious)

The husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby.

So he asked Great Eastern and the agent said "Don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right FROM THE BASKET TO THE CASKET".

The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion.
He then approached Prudential and the agent replied "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB".

The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from Life Insurance Corp of India (LIC India).

He told the LIC agent what Prudential and Great Eastern had to offer. The LIC agent thought for a while and then said "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than Prudential and Great Eastern. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION".

It's not as hard as you might imagine. Here are a few foolproof basics to entice your lady

Every man has, at some point or another, been given the spiel about the importance of for*play. Over the years some learn to ace the art, while others still struggle with the basics. How little is too little? How does one know when it's safe enough to move on to the bigger game? Is it really so essential to start with, every single time?

To make things easier, here are a few basic guidelines that will help you cover your bases and make sure you aren't short-staffing your lady love.

Getting there
The thing is, unlike men, women and their emotional beings require a lot more 'play time' to get their engines roaring. It's not just about starting slow or taking things easy, in order to produce enough lubrication required for intercourse, women's bodies need help conjuring up the lust quotient. Emotional intimacy and closeness with their partner, which is cemented during for*play, is the best way to set the mood for a long and fruitful session. While each woman is different, there are a few basics that work for most in general. Avoid rushing things and you should do just fine.

Talk and tease
You might be a hands-on kind of guy, but talking dirty is a great way to get your lady listening. Women respond differently to written and spoken words than men, which is why women's erotica has the sort of readership it does. If you describe how you would like to touch her, with what intensity and in which direction, you'll engage her mind before her body, which is exactly what you aim to do. She'll be visualizing it eagerly and be ready before you know it. The beauty is in the details. As for touching her, avoid the obvious privates. Instead, try her erogenous zones - mouth, neck, wrists, inner thighs and back.

Build anticipation
You don't always have to get into the driver's seat only when you reach the bedroom. The thing about public display of affection is that it could be respectful, playful and deeply intimate without being overtly offensive. A playful tap on her bottom or a passionate kiss at the bar sets up the mood for what is to come, and gets her wildly interested much before you make it to the confines of your room.

Clothes aren't essential
If you think only women can strip and put on a sexy show, you're in for a surprise. Try your hand at seductively undressing yourself, unbuttoning one at a time. The idea is to tease and interest without being very aggressive or impatient. Music is usually a good aid if you feel too awkward and you can make things interesting by asking her to join you.

Slowly undress her as you both groove to the music. Steer clear of gangsta rap or Celine Dion tracks and stick to soulful serenades by Norah Jones or a breezy Jack Johnson for a spring in your step.

It's all in the hands
While each woman may have her own special responses and preferences there are some moves that work on everyone. Once you've set the mood and you're both in a comfortable state of undress, use your fingers to pleasure her privates in gentle, smooth moves. Nothing too brash or aggressive. Kissing, suckling, pecking and gently nibbling are all acceptable. Try and keep a tab on her responses and make your moves accordingly. Softly touching and caressing her clitoris should get the lubrication process started. Feel free to give her oral pleasure as well.

Take it easy
Soon enough her body language will tell you she's ready. Parted legs, arching back, deep kisses are usually dead giveaways. This should be your cue. But do remember, like each woman is different her responses to your moves will vary, some might work with greater success than others. The idea is to seduce her into the game instead of pouncing on with action. You needn't try all these together. In isolation or in combination of twos or threes will work wonders too. All it takes is a little dedicated attention.

Image: Getty Images

7 Ways To Put A Smile On Somebody Else's Face

1. Write an encouraging note to others that have encouraged you or that need encouragement. Handwritten notes that are given to encourage, not just for thanking someone for a gift, are rare. That makes handwritten notes even more special. Start a new practice of sitting down and writing an encouraging note on a regular basis. You just might start an epidemic!

2. Take a friend out to lunch or invite her to your home for a meal. You will get to know each other even better than you do right now. If you feel like being more adventurous, throw a party for several of your friends and put smiles on a multitude of faces.

3. Give someone an inspirational book to read. You will feel good doing it, reading the book will change the person, and they will think of you every time they read it.

4. Ask a friend or relative if you can take care of their kid(s) for a day or evening. If you have been a parent, you know the value of being able to have a few hours of `adult time` without worrying about the children. Don't wait to be asked to baby-sit when it is required. Offer to do it at a time when the parent can do something fun and relaxing.

5. Deliver a meal to someone you know that is sick or having a rough time. We have all been sick and know the last thing you want to do is be out of bed. There are also times when life is tough and it is hard to do all of the daily chores. You can be a tremendous help by providing a meal that can be
enjoyed.

6. Volunteer time to supporting your local prayer hall or temple. Every minute you dedicate to charity or temple will cause many smiles. You will put a smile on the face of each leader just for helping without being asked. You will also be putting smiles on the faces of those that are being helped through the organization.

7. Thank everyone that supports you throughout the day. The list of those that you come in contact with is endless. Remember family and friends, secretaries, co-workers, teachers, Sunday school teachers, pastors, store employees, janitors, gas station attendants, those that deliver your mail and newspaper, and servers at restaurants.

English, The Universal Language.

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…