Jan 3, 2012
Closet Door
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
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T Shirts
T Shirts
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."
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Change Of Plan
Change Of Plan
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.
Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.
Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!
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Dealing With A Lawyer
Dealing With A Lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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New Drugs On The Market
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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Repair Estimate
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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Golf
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
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7 And 7 Is 11
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper.
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.
"14 cents! For what?" asked the lady.
The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."
"What are your saying?"
"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!
Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.
"14 cents! For what?" asked the lady.
The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."
"What are your saying?"
"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!
Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."
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Great Advice From A Dog...
| Great Advice From A Dog...  If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .... Run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. |
3 Times Married
3 Times Married
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day And told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her Fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type And color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said, 'A long, frilly, white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time, for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or Sky blue would be nice.'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. 'Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as Innocent as a first-time bride. 'You see, my first husband, a Matwala, was so excited about our wedding, he Died as we were checking into our hotel.
'My second husband, A Bike Rider, and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Jiala,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it Was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
NikhiL Saluja
Extraordinary Sexual Appetite
Extraordinary Sexual Appetite
An attractive young med student was having coffee with her girlfriend and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual appetite. "I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?" the assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."
An attractive young med student was having coffee with her girlfriend and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual appetite. "I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured. "And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?" the assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a cigarette."
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Why some guys can't impress girls
If you have passed out of college, here is a character you must have met sometime or the other. It is that of a guy who falls for a girl but doesn't know how to approach her. With wobbly knees and besotted eyes, he waits for her at the bus stop, hoping that she would smile at him for a nanosecond. If he bumps into her in the classroom, he starts getting uneasy the moment she starts chatting with some other guy. He is often bullied for being a permanent member of the club of 'universal brotherhood', that is, a guy who turns into every girl's brother because he fails to convert his crush into a relationship.
What are his major problems?
Imagining relationships: Whenever he falls for a girl – and he generally falls for too many girls – he tends to believe that she is in love with some other guy. Even if the girl has a casual conversation with a guy, our friend assumes that the two of them are on the verge of a relationship, if not in one already. That multiplies his hesitation manifold, and his emotions remain unstated till the girl actually finds someone. And, that someone turns out to be someone else.
Ladies first: This character is a moron. Overconfident and suffering from megalomania, he believes that every second girl has the hots for him. He doesn't have the guts to propose, but tells the world that the girl should be the one who ought to come forward. That never happens, and he continues to vegetate.
Too good: A victim of inferiority complex, this guy manages to pedestalise every girl he falls for. She is so good that she is beyond reach: that thought keeps his lips sealed, whether or not the girl is a Meg Ryan lookalike. He continues to torment himself without making any effort to reach out. She, you are right, remains clueless.
Everything in life takes some effort. So do relationships. Most seem to know that, barring those who wait near the bus stop, hoping for that smile that means nothing.
By Biswadeep Ghosh