GreenGod's Blog: May 2012

May 31, 2012

Get Better Soon

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

The Good you do, Comes back to You

The Good you do, comes back to you, The Evil you do, remains with you

A woman baked bread for members of her family and an extra one for a hungry passerby.

She kept the extra bread on the Window-sill, for whosoever would take it away.

Every day, a hunch-back came and took away the bread. Instead of expressing gratitude,

he muttered the following words as he went his way:

"The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!"

This went on, day after day. Every day, the hunch-back came, picked up the bread and uttered the words: "The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!"

The woman felt irritated. "Not a word of gratitude," she said to herself...

"Everyday this hunch-back utters this jingle! What does he mean?

"One day, out of despiration, she decided to do away with him. "I shall get rid of this hunch-back," she said. And what did she do? She added poison to the bread she prepared for him! As she was about to place it on the window sill, her hands trembled. "What is this I am doing?" she said.

Immediately she threw the bread into the fire, prepared another one and kept it on the window-sill.

As usual, the hunch-back came, picked up the bread and muttered the words:

"The evil you do, remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!"

The hunch-back proceeded on his way, blissfully unaware of the war raging in the mind of the woman. Everyday, as the woman placed the bread on the window-sill, she offered a prayer for her son who had gone to a distant place to seek his fortune. For many months, she had no news of him.. She prayed for his safe return.

That evening, there was a knock on the door. As she opened it, she was surprised to find her son standing in the doorway.. He had grown thin and lean. His garments were tattered and torn. He was hungry, starved and weak. As he saw his mother, he said, "Mom, it's a miracle I'm here. While I was but a mile away, I was so hungry that I collapsed. I would have died, but just then an old hunch-back passed by. I begged of him for a small part of his food, and he was kind enough to give me a whole bread. "As he gave it to me, he said, "This is what I eat everyday: today, I shall give it to you, for your need is greater than mine!"

"As the mother heard those words, her face turned pale and red. She leaned against the door for support. She remembered the poisoned bread that she had made that morning. Had she not burnt it in the fire, it would have been eaten by her own son, and he would have lost his life!

It was then that she realized the significance of the words: "The evil you do remains with you: The good you do, comes back to you!"

Do good and; Don't ever stop doing good, even if it’s not appreciated at that time.

Joining The Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Women more promiscuous than men?

A new study has suggested that when it comes to being sexually unfaithful while being away from home, women tend to rack up more lovers than men.

The UK Adultery Survey 2012 found that once women decide to play away, they are far more likely to play the field in search of love.

Research into the behaviour of 4,000 people suggested that women are more promiscuous, having an average of 2.3 secret lovers compared to a mere 1.8 for men, the Daily Mail reported.

While explaining their reasons to cheat, the men say the pursuit of sexual excitement, boredom with their marriages and the need of an ego boost are the main causes. Women say their reasons could be anything from looking for emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self esteem to romance.

Women adulterers are also far more prone to falling in love with their illicit lovers than their male equivalents.

According to Emily Pope of Undercover Lovers, a dating site for married people seeking affairs with some 600,000 members, the survey's results challenged the general assumption that men are more adulterous than women.

"Once they have made the huge decision to have an affair, women have far more opportunity to actually find someone to cheat with and are generally in control of deciding if and when to consummate the relationship once they do," she said.

The survey also found that women are likely to be the first to get itchy feet in a marriage.

Motivational Posters 89

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Men like dumb women for one-night-stands

When it comes to finding a mate, gentlemen prefer a woman who looks dumb and sleepy enough for a one-night-stand, rather than look for charm and intelligence, according to a new study.

In the study, University of Texas at Austin graduate student Cari Goetz and her team focused on the so-called sexual exploitability hypothesis, which is based on the different ways in which men and women approach reproduction.

The goal of the study was to test out the hypothesis that a woman who appears silly or inert, or in other words more 'sexually exploitable,' is a turn-on for the average straight man, the Daily Mail reported.

In the evolutionary psychology sense, the word 'exploitable' simply indicates that a woman is willing or can be more easily pressured into having sex.

The researchers began testing their model by asking a large group of undergraduate students to nominate some specific actions, body postures, attitudes and personality traits that might signal vulnerability, such as exhaustion, intoxication, or low intelligence.

In the end, the participants of the study had produced a list of 88 signs that a woman might by especially receptive to a man's advances.

Next, Goetz and her colleagues scoured the Internet for publicly available images of women displaying each of these 88 cues.

Once they had pictures of women licking their lips, partying, wearing sexy clothing, etc., the researchers cross-checked them with a separate group of students who presumed that the photos indeed matched the cues.

The researchers then invited a fresh group of 76 male students and presented them with the images of presumably 'ripe-for-the-picking' women, asking them what they thought of each woman's overall attractiveness, how easy it would be to 'exploit' her using anything from a pickup line to physical force, and her appeal to them as either a short-term or a long-term partner.

The study revealed that the images of fat or short women had no effect. The participants of the study did not view them as either easy to bed or appealing as partners.

But when it came to reading the more psychological and contextual cues-pictures of silly or childish-looking women, or of women who looked sleepy or drunk, men rated them as being easy to 'score' with.

More importantly, the dumb-looking and inert women were also perceived as being more attractive than their more lucid or intelligent-looking peers, but only when it came to short-term relationships.

When the men were asked to judge the same liquored-up, silly-looking women in the photos as potential girlfriends and wives, they had entirely lost their appeal on them.

A follow-up study has also found that the more promiscuous men who happened also to have deficiencies in personal empathy and warmth were the ones most attuned to female 'exploitability' cues.

An article describing the findings will soon be published in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour.

May 29, 2012

How To Behave After Sex

Avoid ruining your post-coital bliss through poor bedroom etiquette with VideoJug's guide to how to behave after sex.

Step 1: Advice for him

You may feel that you have expressed yourself quite enough, perhaps you have expressed yourself a number of times, and feel spent. But it's essential you stay awake for long enough to make her feel loved. You may have to fight the urge to sleep, but remember now it's time for her to unload all over you.

Speed up the process by making encouraging noises and agreeing to everything she says. The Past Master of this was Marlon Brando, who put his incredible success with women down to the pose of propping himself up on his elbow, which made him look interested in whatever the lady had to say- even if he was actually falling asleep.

Step 2: Advice for her

Be aware that he will be exhausted - after all you gave him more love than he could cope with. So try and keep your hopes and dreams for the future to a minimum. And certainly don't expand into more mundane issues, like household chores, work gossip or whatever was on your mind while you were expressing your love.

And if it had been instigated as a way of diffusing an argument or row, it is very important to avoid bringing up the argument again, especially as his defences are now down- and it would be too easy.

Step 3: Advice for both of you

If you've managed to avoid upsetting each other so far, don't ruin everything by marking your partner's performance on a range of factors such as skill, effort, creativity and attendance. Never compare this performance to anyone or anything else. And don't fart loudly, do a victory dance, or leave.

May 27, 2012

Loan Arithmetic

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

Shopping

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."

Lollipop Sales Man

Story of a Woman

Story of a Woman who just turned 47

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

Total BS Breakup Lines

Melt

Lazy Man Story

Pic

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Sexual Harassment Policy

Pregnant

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

May 26, 2012

Bra that unhooks when you clap your hands!

A US engineer has invented a bra clasp that comes off when you clap your hands.

Randy Sarafan's device could be the answer to millions of men and women's problems who struggle with unhooking bra clasps, Metro in the UK reported.

The device would consign to history the dreaded clasp fumbling that often happens in the throes of passion.

Sarafan was inspired to make the clap-off bra after reading about wacky electronic undergarments sold in Syria, such as musical knickers.

"Those of us in Western cultures have a thing or two to learn from the Syrians about gaudy electronic lingerie. Henceforth, it became my mission to fast-forward lingerie technology in the West," The Daily Telegraph quoted him as saying.

All those females who are looking forward for this new clap-off-bra, make sure you are not wearing them while you are at some function where people are expected to clap else you will end up hooking them again and again.

May 25, 2012

Love Quotes And Sayings

1.A smile is nearly always inspired by another smile. :) :)

2.For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

3.I'm sending you some kisses, I know you like them.

4.Accept the things to which fate binds you,
and love the people with whom fate brings you together,
but do so with all your heart.

5.Love dictates, but a kiss writes the secrets of the heart.

6.True love can blind you but at the same time if you let it,
it can also open your eyes.

7.Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear

8.Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.

9.Love is a sudden revelation: a kiss is always a discovery.

10.Man loves little and often: Woman much and rarely.

11.Opposites attract, but after marriage, opposites attack.
Most of the time, we are attracted to people who don't have
the things that we have.
Incompatibility is why we get married,
but it's also used as a reason to divorce.
Incompatibility is just a lack of communication.
If we just try to love [our spouse] the way we want to be loved,
we are in trouble.
Unless you communicate,
it's difficult to know how to love another person.

12.One kiss breaches the distance between friendship and love.

13.I thought I loved him, but he had to break my heart
for me to know what true love really is

14.Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go.

15.So long as man remains free, he strives for nothing so incessantly
and so painfully as to find someone to worship.

16.I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.

17.Love can make you do things that you never thought possible.

18.The kiss, a sweet discovery of oneself after a long search.

19.If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile,
the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.

20.You will find, as you look back upon your life,
that the moments when you really lived are the moments
when you have done things in the spirit of love.

21.Truly love you endlessly.
Every day without you is like a book without pages.
I love you, I will always do, for the rest of our earthly and heavenly life.

22.True love always makes a man better, no matter what woman inspires it.

23.My night has become a sunny dawn because of you.

24.True love is indescribable, yet self-explanatory.

25.Time wounds all heels.

26.A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.

27.Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable.

28.Love is a vine that grows into our hearts.

29.If I don't know what true love is, how will I ever find it?

30.True love is a wonder that has no end or beginning.

31.A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech
when words become superfluous.

32.A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.

33.Love, and do what you like.

34.A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night,
a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.

35.Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear.
If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared,
a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then you are not really in love at all.

36.You're not the only one who feels this way.

37.In real love you want the other person's good.
In romantic love, you want the other person.

38.True love is just like rain; it touches us all.

39.Love grows by giving.
The love we give away is the only love we keep.
The only way to retain love is to give it away.

40.A part of us remains where ever we have been.

41.To the world you may be someone, but to someone you may be the world.

42.True love is like a pair of socks you gotta have two and they've gotta match.

43.It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.

44.Love is metaphysical gravity.

45.Wait for the one you love. Not the one who found you first.

46.The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.

47.When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences
then love has a chance to blossom.

48.We love because it is the only true adventure

49.You don't get to choose, You just fall.

50.Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

51.You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much.

52.Smile at each other, smile at your wife,
smile at your husband, smile at your children,
smile at each other--it doesn't matter who it is--
and that will help you to grow up in greater love
for each other.

53.Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.

54.Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

55.So dear I love him that with him,
All deaths I could endure.
Without him, live no life.

56.Who so loves believes the impossible

57.The Eskimo has fifty two names for snow because it is important to them,
there ought to be as many for love.

58.If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me.

59.Did my heart love till now ? forswear it sight,
for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

60.There is nothing like love in this world unless you experience it.

May 17, 2012

Animated GIF Files Invade Facebook Timeline

Facebook’s timeline has a lot of positive things to offer to both users and brands, but the proprietor of a Polish graphic design company may have uncovered a huge negative: Myspace-style animated GIFs.

Piotr Łój, whose company Lokje designs pages for Facebook brands, emailed us the video below. Uh oh.

The only piece of good news to come out of this: Theanimated GIF files don’t come with audio — yet.

Still, this particular app strikes us as ironic, given how many of the complaints about the advanced layout invoke comparisons with Myspace. We’d disagreed with all of these comparisons until we saw the animated app in the video below — maybe it won’t last long on the site.

Readers, do you think Facebook should disable an animated app like the one below?

Remove Facebook Timeline With Chrome Plugin

Exoot Systems released yet another browser plugin that promises to remove timeline for profiles , but unlike others in the past, this one provides details on how it works and what it does and doesn’t do.

Facebook Timeline Remover is a browser plugin for Google Chrome that intercepts the HTML code sent by Facebook and substitutes the code for the pre-timeline layout.

Only users who have installed Facebook Timeline Remover will be able to view profile pages in the old layout. Timeline and all of its information and content are not deleted. Exoot said the plugin will continue to work even after all profile pages are transitioned to timeline, due to the manipulation of HTML code.

More details follow from Exoot, including a section on “how does it works?” (their words, not ours):

Facebook is sending HTML code to your computer, and your computer translates the code in your browser. The plugin intercepts the code and reassembles it in the old design. Therefore, you see your old profile again.

Your personal profile will be changed only on your computer. If you want your friends to see your old Facebook profile, they, too, need to install Facebook Timeline Remover.

It will affect only personal profiles, not fan pages!

It will continue to work in April, no matter if Facebook changes all profiles to timeline on their end, because our plugin sill puts together the old display in your browser. If we all use it, the timeline change won’t affect us at all.

Facebook Timeline Remover will pacify Facebook users whose objections to timeline are fueled by dislike of the new design and layout. But much of the anti-timeline sentiment is focused on the amount of personal data that must be vetted and privacy setting that must be tweaked, and this plugin won’t solve that.

Readers: Would you install a browser plugin like Facebook Timeline Remover in order to avoid viewing your profiles in the new layout?

May 12, 2012

Humor: for those over 50 years: question & answer

Humor For Those 50 Years : Question & Answers

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"

May 8, 2012

Got Hold

Film

Elephant Robbery

A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."

Early Morning

Convent girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

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May 5, 2012

Here's why you must have sex everyday

Have you ever heard that song called Sexual Healing? It's not just a metaphor. Sex can actually heal. It can heal your body and mind and prevent lots of diseases.

Some say it's the first medicine ever known to man and it should be administered daily. Sounds too good to be true? Let's discover the four reasons for which a man should have sex each day.

Great form of exercise
Making love is a form of physical activity. During intercourse, the physiological changes in your body are consistent with a workout. You must have noticed that the respiratory rate rises, which means you get tired. Hence, you burn calories. If you have sex three times a week for 15 minutes (but we know you can do better than that) you'll burn about 7.500 calories in a year. That's the equivalent of jogging 75 miles! Heavy breathing raises the amount of oxygen in your cells, and the testosterone produced during sex keeps your bones and muscles strong.

Pain relief
The "Honey, not today, I have a headache" cannot be an excuse any more. During sex, both male and female bodies produce endorphins, hormones that act as weak painkillers. A study conducted by Gina Ogden showed that during sexual stimulation and especially during or*asm, we don't feel pain. If she finds another excuse, remind her that sex is good for her entire reproductive system, because it trains the PC muscle, which keeps the reproductive organs in shape. In women, sex can also increase fertility, postpone the menopause and relieve PMS symptoms.

Prostate protection
Most of the fluid you ejaculate is secreted by the prostate gland. If you stop ejaculating, the fluid stays in the gland, which tends to swell, causing lots of problems. Regular ejaculation will wash those fluids out and ensure the well being of your prostate until old age. Problems may also occur when you suddenly change the frequency of ejaculations.

Prevents erectile dysfunctions
Fifty per cent of men older than 40 suffer from erectile dysfunctions and all young men fear the moment when they won't be able to get it up any more. The best medicine against impotence is...sex. An erection keeps the blood flowing through your penile arteries, so the tissue stays healthy. Plus, doctors compare an erection to an athletic reflex: the more you train the more capable you are to perform.

Stress relief
It's a scientific fact: sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels. During sex your body produces dopamine, a substance that fights stress hormones, endorphins, aka "happiness hormones" and oxytocin, a desire-enhancing hormone secreted by the pituitary gland.

Image: Thinkstock photos/Getty Images

Are We Gonna End Up like This?

Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

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May 31, 2012

Motivational Posters 89

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