Ways To Confuse Santa

 Ways To Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

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A Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

A Politically Correct Christmas Greeting 

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; 

Additionally, 

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. 

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

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Santa's New Intern

Santa's New Intern

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Being Kissed Under The Mistletoe

Being Kissed Under The Mistletoe

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Canadian

 Canadian

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says tat she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

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--
NikhiL Saluja

Senior Banking

 Senior Banking

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant           financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1.. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10.. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off and we have more time on our hands than you do.

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Is your wife 'too tired' for sex?

Women who say they are just too tired for sex may be stating the truth, not just fibbing.

"They run on a different biological sleep clock to men and need to go to bed earlier because of it," says a new Harvard study.

Women's circadian rhythms run six minutes faster than men's, making them much more likely to be early birds rather than night owls.

Jeanne Duffy, study co-author from Harvard, said, "What we found was that the cycle length of the biological clock in women was shorter on average than it was in men. The average difference was about six minutes."

Researchers report insomnia around 50 per cent more frequently than their male counterparts, especially the early morning kind, where they wake up and cannot get back to sleep, the Daily Mail reported.

But women can end up being chronically sleep-deprived because they try to fight against their faster sleep cycles and fit too much into the evenings, before being woken up too early by the light.

The findings were released by researchers at the Harvard-affiliated Brigham and Women's Hospital, based on results produced by 157 people who spent eight weeks in a windowless sleep lab in Boston.

They were isolated from all cues about the time in the outside world, allowing their body clocks to go back to natural circadian rhythms.

Christmas & New Year's Toons (3)

Christmas & New Year's Toons

Christmas & New Year's Toons (2)

Animations

Christmas & New Year's Toons (1)