GreenGod's Blog: 08/07/11

Aug 7, 2011

HAPPY MARRIAGE'S

Happy Marriage's

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

SHE'S GOOD!)
_____

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
_____

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
_____

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

GRANDPA'S WISDOM

Grandpa's Wisdom

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library
or the internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it
is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could
spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember
most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when
he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
. . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands.
It makes your pecker look smaller."

Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

Q) What's the difference between a blonde and a college freshman?
A) The blonde has a higher sperm count.

Q) What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A) A blonde will fuck anyone; a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Q. "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?"
A. "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"

There once was a whore from Dundee,
Who charged an extremely low fee
"I'll give you a fuck
For just half a buck
And throw in my asshole for free.

There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.

There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

MISCELLANEOUS

Miscellaneous

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman ,"Can I smell your pussy?" "F*ck No, you can't smell my pussy!" the woman yells back at him. "Oh." he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

****

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too.

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out.

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Q) Why are clams like women?
A) Because when the red tide comes you don't eat them.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: When do you know a man is desperate ?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.

Why are condoms transparent?
So the sperm can enjoy the scenery

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
********
"No bananas," she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
"No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
I'll have to go find me a guy."

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find 'em...
But a search revealed,
They were out in the field,
With Little Boy Blue behind 'em.

°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

PREGNANCY DICTIONARY

Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.

Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's
word for.

Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for
"Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it
too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason
she's fat.

Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think
you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman
to get out of a chair.

Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.

Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening
the size of a dime.

Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I
eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much
longer can I keep from waddling?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Ching Chong Chinaman
went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman
didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman
pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman
was covered in shit!

°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

Now, backless, strapless Bra for Big Assets : Fashion Design Trends

A new backless, strapless adhesive bra for bigger assets has hit the market.

Renowned department store, Selfridges, is now stocking the first of its kind adhesive bras made solely out of silicone, which cost 35 pounds.

Manufacturer Fashion Forms claims the bra's one-wire system will hug the body, preventing it from slipping off and can be reused up to 25 times.

But Page 3 stunner Kelly Hall who is a huge 30DD and has tried the new bra says she would better stick to her old one.

"This is pretty much impossible. My assets are jiggling about all over the place. I may as well not wear anything at all," the Sun quoted her as saying after running wearing the bra.

"The bra sticks to your entire thing but as I become sweaty I can feel the bottom of it coming unstuck. It makes me feel nervous that it will slip off completely," she said.

"I have never been able to buy a backless, strapless bra before because of my huge size.

"The idea is great but unfortunately it wouldn't last even a night in a busy club with me pulling off my finest dance moves. And, in my opinion, it couldn't be reused 25 times.

"I think it would be fine for a dinner date or a quiet drink in your local - but for anything more physical I'll stick to my old one," the model concluded.