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Jun 27, 2011

Desi Erotic Story : हमारी किरायेदार

हमारी किरायेदार

प्रेषक : राहुल पटिल

मेरा नाम राहुल है, बीस साल का हूँ, मैं महाराष्ट्र में कोल्हापुर में रहता हूँ और सांगली के कॉलेज में पढ़ता हूँ। मैं अन्तर्वासना का बहुत बड़ा प्रशंसक हूँ। मैं इसे पिछले एक साल से पढ़ रहा हूँ और जो कहानी मैं अब आपके सामने ला रहा हूँ वो एक सच्ची कहानी है और कुछ दिन पहले की ही है।

यह मेरा पहला यौन अनुभव है जिसे मुझे आप सबके साथ बांटने में ख़ुशी होगी। हमारे घर का ऊपर का माला हमने किराये पर दिया है जिसमें एक खूबसरत आंटी और उसका पति रहता है, उनकी शादी को कुछ 2-3 साल हुए हैं पर अभी तक उन्हें कोई बच्चा नहीं है। आंटी बहुत खूबसूरत और सेक्सी हैं।

वो जबसे हमारे यहाँ रहने आये थे तब से ही मुझे उस आंटी के साथ सेक्स करने की ख्वाहिश थी और मेरी हरकतों से वो यह जान गई थी। उसका बदन ही ऐसा है कि कोई भी उस पर फ़िदा हो जाये, गोरा बदन, लम्बे बाल बड़े-बड़े भरे हुए स्तन, वो जब चलती है तो उसकी गांड क्या मस्त दिखती है ! उसका आकार होगा 38"...

जब भी मौका मिलता, मैं उसके बदन को छूता और वो कुछ नहीं कहती थी। ऐसा बहुत दिन तक चलता रहा। अब मैंने उसके साथ सेक्स करने की योजना बनाई।

एक दिन मेरे घर वाले एक शादी में जाने वाले थे। तब मैंने "मेरी तबीयत ख़राब है !" यह कह कर जाने को टाल दिया...

जब सब चले गए तो मैं उस आंटी के कमरे में चला गया। उसका पति भी दफ़्तर गया हुआ था और रात को आठ बजे के बाद आने वाला था। अब पूरे घर में हम अकेले ही थे। मैंने पहले तो उससे यहाँ-वहाँ की बातें शुरु की, फिर उसके काम में हाथ बंटाने लगा और इसी बहाने उसे बार-बार छूने लगा और जब मुझे पूरा यकीन हो गया कि उसे कोई एतराज नहीं है तो मैंने अचानक उसका हाथ पकड़ लिया।

उसने कहा- यह क्या कर रहे हो?

मैं डर गया लेकिन और थोड़ी हिम्मत कर के मैंने कहा- आज कुछ मत बोलो !

और उसे अपनी तरफ खींच लिया। तब वो मुझसे अलग होने की झूठी कोशिश करने लगी, फिर मैंने उसके होठों पर अपने होंठ रख दिए और उसे चूमने लगा। कुछ देर बाद वो भी गर्म होने लगी और मेरा साथ देने लगी।

फिर मैंने उसकी चुनरी हटा दी और उसके पूरे शरीर पर हाथ फिराने लगा। मैंने उसकी कमीज़ की ज़िप खोल दी और अन्दर हाथ डालकर उसकी पीठ पर हाथ घुमाने लगा। फिर मैं उसके गले पर, उसकी पीठ पर चूमता रहा। फिर मैंने उसकी कमीज़ पूरी उतार दी, जिससे उसका गोरा बदन, उसकी गुलाबी रंग की ब्रा मेरे सामने आ गई। यह सब देख कर मेरा लंड फटा जा रहा था। फिर मैंने उसके स्तनों को ब्रा के ऊपर से ही चूसना शुरु किया और अपने हाथों से उसकी ब्रा खोल दी। जैसे ही मैंने ब्रा खोली, वो दो बड़े-बड़े स्तन छलांग लगा कर मेरे सामने आ गए। मैंने हल्के से उन्हें अपने हाथों में पकड़ा और जोर से दबा दिया और साथ मैं अपने दांतों से उसके चुचूकों को काटने लगा, जिसकी वजह से उसकी मुँह से आह की जोर से आवाज निकली...

फिर बहुत देर तक मैं उसके स्तन चूसता रहा...

फिर मैंने उसकी सलवार निकाल दी, उसने गुलाबी रंग की पैंटी पहनी थी जो अब आगे से भीग चुकी थी। मैं उसे बिस्तर पर ले गया और अपनी टी-शर्ट और जींस उतारकर उसके ऊपर आ गया। मैंने उसे बहुत चूमा उसके स्तनों को बहुत चूसा और नीचे की तरफ बढ़ा...

पहले तो मैंने उसकी पैंटी के आसपास अपनी जीभ घुमाई और फिर पैंटी के ऊपर जीभ घुमाने लगा। उसे बहुत अच्छा लग रहा था और वो मुँह से आह उम् ऊह्ह की आवाजें निकाल रही थी।

फिर मैंने अपने दांतों से पकड़ कर उसकी पैंटी निकाल दी और उसकी गीली गोरी चूत को देख कर पागल हो गया, मैंने अपनी जीभ जैसे ही उसकी चूत पर लगाई उसने मेरे बालों को खींच कर मुझे अपनी चूत के ऊपर दबा दिया और मुँह से सेक्सी आवाजें निकालने लगी।

मैंने बहुत बार ब्लू फिल्म में चूत को चाटते हुए देखा है लेकिन तब पहली बार ऐसा किया ... मैं उसकी चूत को बहुत देर तक चूसता रहा। मैंने अपनी जीभ उसकी चूत में भी डाली और वो सेक्सी आवाजें निकालती गई...

फिर वो उठ गई और मेरा लंड बाहर निकाला और बिना हाथ लगाये सीधे मुँह में ले लिया। इतना अच्छा मुझे कभी नहीं लगा था...

वो मेरे लण्ड को मुँह में लेकर वो अपने मुँह को ऊपर नीचे करने लगी .... यह मेरा पहला ही सेक्स अनुभव था इसलिए दो मिनट में मैंने उसका मुँह अपने माल से भर दिया और वो उसे ऐसे पी गई जैसे पानी हो...

गजब की बात तो मुझे यह लगी कि मेरा माल निकलने के बाद भी मेरा लंड खड़ा का खड़ा था और वो उसे चूसे जा रही थी। फिर हम 69 की पोजीशन में आ गए और मैं उसकी चूत और वो मेरा लंड चूसने लगी और दूसरी बार मेरा माल उसने अपने मुँह में भर लिया।

उसने कहा- अब मुझसे और सहा नहीं जा रहा, जल्दी से मेरी चूत में अपना लंड डाल दो !

और यह कहते हुए वो बिस्तर पर लेट गई और अपने पैर फैला दिए। उसकी चूत को देख कर मैं उसके ऊपर आ गया और उसने अपने हाथों से मेरा लंड अपनी चूत पर रख लिया। फिर मैं अपना लंड उसकी चूत पर थोड़ी देर रगड़ता रहा और अचानक ही उसकी चूत में घुसा दिया जिससे वो चीख उठी, मेरा अभी आधा लंड ही उसकी चूत में था, मैंने और जोर लगाया और उसकी चूत में पूरा घुसा दिया, जैसे ही पूरा अन्दर गया उसने मेरी पीठ पर अपने नाख़ून गड़ा दिए.. फिर मैं उसे उस अवस्था में तब तक चोदता रहा जब तक मेरा माल नहीं निकल गया।

उस बीच मैंने उसके होंठों को बहुत चूसा और उसे भी यह बहुत अच्छा लगता था तो वो मेरा पूरा साथ दे रही थी।

चोदते-चोदते मैं उसके स्तन और चुचूक भी जोर से दबा रहा था लेकिन चुम्बन की वजह से वो चीख भी नहीं पा रही थी बस मुँह में ही आवाज निकाल रही थी। कुछ देर बाद वो मुझे जोर से चोदने को कहने लगी तो मुझे पता चल गया कि वो पानी छोड़ने वाली है।

मैं उसे जोर से चोदता रहा और उसने अपनी सांस रोक कर पानी छोड़ दिया, कुछ देर बाद मैंने भी अपना माल निकाल दिया।

फिर थोड़ी देर बाद मैंने उसे घोड़ी बनने को कहा और पीछे से उसकी चूत चाटने लगा। पीछे से उसकी गांड क्या खूब लग रही थी, कुछ देर चूत चाटने के बाद मैं उसकी गांड भी चाटने लग गया और उसकी गांड गीली कर दी। फिर मैंने अपनी एक ऊँगली उसके मुँह में चाटने के लिए दी और उसकी गांड में घुसा दी। उसकी गांड कुँवारी थी तो उसे दर्द होने लगा और वो निकालने के लिए बोलने लगी। फिर दो मिनट बाद मैंने उंगली निकाल ली और अपना लंड उसकी गांड के ऊपर रख दिया।

वो मुझे कहने लगी- गांड मत मारो !

लेकिन मैंने उसकी एक नहीं सुनी, कब से मैं उसकी गांड को देख-देख कर मुठ मारता था और आज मौका मिला तो कैसे जाने देता...

फिर मैंने अपने लंड पर थूक लगाया और उसकी गांड में डालने की कोशिश की, लेकिन नहीं गया। फिर मैंने अपने दोनों हाथों से उसकी गांड को बाहर की तरफ खींच दिया और फिर बहुत जोर से अपने लंड को धक्का दिया। तब सिर्फ आगे का हिस्सा ही अन्दर गया और वो- आह मर गई इसे बाहर निकालो...आह .... करके चीखने लगी ...

लेकिन मैंने और एक धक्का दिया तब आधा अन्दर गया और जब तीसरी बार कोशिश की तो पूरा का पूरा उसकी गांड में फिट बैठ गया... वो बहुत चीख रही थी, उसे बहुत दर्द भी हो रहा था... फिर मैं थोड़ी देर ऐसे ही चुप रहा और नीचे से मैंने उसकी चूत में ऊँगली डाल दी और हिलाने लगा। तब उसे थोड़ा अच्छा लगने लगा।

फिर धीरे धीरे मैं अपने लंड को अन्दर-बाहर करने लगा और उसकी चूत में भी ऊँगली डालता रहा। कुछ देर बाद उसे भी मजा आने लगा और मैं जोर से उसकी गांड मारने लगा...

मैं जब उसकी गांड मार रहा था तो उसके स्तन बहुत जोर जोर से हिल रहे थे...

कुछ देर बाद मेरा माल निकलने वाला था तो मैंने अपनी गति बढ़ा दी तो उसे दर्द होने लगा और वो मुँह से सेक्सी आवाजें निकालने लगी। जिससे मुझे और अच्छा लग रहा था।

और दो मिनट बाद मैंने अपना सारा माल उसकी गांड में निकाल दिया। जैसे ही मैंने लंड बाहर निकाला, मेरा माल उसकी गांड के बाहर आने लगा।

उसके बाद हमने आराम किया और कुछ देर बाद मैंने उसकी चूत और गांड फिर से मारी...

Some Unique Ways To Initiate Sex

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If the 'once unique' moves and grinds you made in bed have now turned into 'predictable stuff' for your woman, you better know that you are nearing the point where sex is just a chore and brushing up your tactics is the need of the hour.

Its important to understand that 'mystery' holds its own charm between the sheets, but once things are foreseeable, boredom is bound to seep it. So what do you do now?

Well, its time to reel back the excitement by reigniting her curiosity with some unique ways to initiate sex. Rather than asking her, why not lure her into a
steamy session?

Let non-verbal cues take charge of initiating sex in some more surprising ways and you never know what surprises you are offered in return:

Cook up to a steamy night

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There's no better turn-on for a man than the sight of her man trying on his culinary skills only to impress her. So, use your kitchenette to the best of your use. Not only you'll be required to make her favourite dishes, but feeding her yourself will only make it better.

All the while she's eating, brush up behind her, caress her and keep planting some kisses.

By the time you guys are through with a sumptuous meal, you might just get rewarded with a quickie there on the kitchen counter!

Movie date?

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Not at the theatre this time! Prepare for a movie slumber night in your living room instead. Get things in place. Rent a few romantic and sexy flicks, make her favourite snacks and get some wine. Since, creating the ambience for a sleepover is what we aim at, arranging for a cozy blanket and a few pillows won't be a bad idea.

Dress up in your comfy night wear and snuggle up to watch the movie. As the movie runs, start playing with her. Begin with some non-sensual touches and let the magic of sexy scenes take over to make the temperatures soar high. And soon she'll be begging you for some real action.

Love games, anyone?

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If you loved to play board games as kids, playing them now will be all the more exciting for you! We are talking about the adult versions here, where the dress code can be anything from a sassy lingerie to a cool underwear. How about a round of strip poker?

While the options available are unlimited, fun and excitement depends upon how sportingly you take every rule of the game. Be it removing a piece of clothing every time you lose, or kissing the area that the winner demands .. you have to say yes to all!

Tattoo your love

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Take it as your chance to put forth your creative skills. Temporary tattoo inks and body paints are easily available in the market. So, become a tattoo artist for her and let her paint you in return.

The best bet in this session would be a chance to make a favourite motif on your favourite body part of your partner. And if that demands some skin show and a few touches here and there on that n*ked canvass .. that would just be a mood builder for a steamy night ahead.

Nothing sexier than a shower

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Yes, there's nothing more refreshing than a shower at the end of a tiring day. Add to it your beloved and you bet there can't be anything sexier than that.

Begin with a smooth soapy session, followed by some rubbing around her curves... Once through, offer to massage her favourite body lotion to help her relax as you play with sensual movements to leave her begging to be taken to bed.

The basic idea it to excite her with subtle hints of the final reward, without asking her to give what you want. Don't focus on the main act rather arouse her to a pitch where she is ready to melt in your arms.

Charity - (30 sec. read - info)


 
 
-----As you open your pockets For the next natural disaster, Keep these
facts in mind:


THE AMERICAN RED CROSS
President and CEO Marsha J. Evans salary for the year was $651,957 plus
expenses

THE UNITED WAY
President Brian Gallagher receives a $375,000 base salary along with
numerous expense benefits.

UNICEF CEO
Caryl M. Stern receives $1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all
expenses.

Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause.

THE SALVATION ARMY

Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year
(plus housing) for managing a 2 2 billion dollar organization.

96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause.

THE AMERICAN LEGION

National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to
help Veterans and their families and youth! No further comment is
necessary.

__._,_.___

They walk among us !

   
 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

 

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a

Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

 

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

 

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. 

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' 

 

The next day someone stole it!

 

They walk amongst us!

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*One  day I was walking down the beach with

Some friends when someone  shouted....

 

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and  said...'where?'

 

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother  asked the

Estate agent which direction was north because

He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

 

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east

And has for sometime.  She shook her head and said,

 

'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

 

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,

 

When we overheard an admin girl talking about the

Sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

 

She drove down in a convertible, but said

She 'didn't think she'd get sunburned

Because the car was moving'.

 

They Walk Among  Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car

Which is designed to cut through a seat belt

 

If she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

 

They Walk Among  Us!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman

With a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

 

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip

Out every time she turns her head!"

 

I  had to explain that a person's nose and ear

Remain the same distance apart no

 

Matter which way the head is turned...

 

They Walk Among Us !

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.

 

Went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry

Because she was a trained professional and

Said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,

 

'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

 

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man

Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and

The cook asked him if he would like it cut

 

Into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time

Then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't  think I'm hungry

Enough to eat 6 pieces.

 

They Walk Among Us!


Big Mouth Celebrities



--
°◕◕♪♪ Ñiκ™♪♪◕◕°

Customer and Waiter


Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ?
Don't worry sir that spider on your bread will soon get him !
Waiter, do you have frogs legs ?
No sir, I've always walked like this.
 
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
 
Waiter, this egg is bad
Don't blame me sir, I only laid the table !
 
Waiter, there is a fly in the butter !
Yes sir, it's a butterfly!
 
Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
 
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup !
Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !
 
Waiter, there is a dead fly swimming in my soup !
Don't be silly, dead flies can't swim !
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
 
Waiter, this soup tastes funny !
Then why aren't you laughing ?
 
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
 
Waiter, this coffee is terrible, it tastes like earth !
Yes sir, it was ground yesterday !
 
Waiter, there's a caterpillar on my salad
Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge.
 
Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.
 
Waiter, there is a dead fly on my steak !
I don't know sir, perhaps it died after tasting it !
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Yes sir, he's committed insecticide
 
Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?
Not him again, he's in here every night !
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
What do you expect for 20 Rupees, a beetle ?
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Just you wait until you see the main course !
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
 
Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ?
Skiing sir !
 
Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.
 
Waiter, there is a small slug in this lettuce
I'm sorry sir, would you like me to get you a bigger one ?
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
 
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
Yes sir, it's the heat that kills them !
 
Waiter, there is a beetle in my soup !
Sorry sir, we're out of flies today !
 
Waiter, there is a wasp in my pudding !
So that's where they go in winter !
 
Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
Sorry madam, no pets allowed !
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
 
Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup !
It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
 
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup ?
It looks like it's learning to swim sir
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
 
Waiter, do you have frogs legs !
Yes sir
Well hop off into the kitchen and bring my meal then please !
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
 
Waiter, why is there a fly in my ice cream ?
Perhaps he likes winter sports !
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
 
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
 
Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter !
I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet !
 
Waiter, bring me something to eat and make it snappy
How about a crocodile sandwich sir !
 
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
 
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
 
Waiter, there are two flies in my soup !
That's alright sir, have the extra one on me !
 
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
Oh no, who will look after his family !
 
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for 5 rupees - a live one?
 
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
 
Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder!
I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup !
Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
 
Waiter, there is a frog in my soup !
Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
 
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
 
Waiter, there's a fly in my custard !
I'll fetch him a spoon sir !
 
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor !
 
Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise you where a vegetarian !
 
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
 
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
 
Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup !
Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too !

 

Sweet things are easy to buy


 

Sweet things are easy to buy



sweet things are easy to buy

but sweet people is difficult to find

life ends when u r stop dreaming

hope ends when u stop beliving

love ends when u stop caring

friendship ends when u stop sharing so

share this with whom ever u consider a friend

to love without condition,

to talk without reason and care without
expectation...





Thought for today....!!


Thought for today....!!



There iz alwayz a TRUTH behind "Mazak kar raha tha" 

a little EMOTION behind "Mujhe koi Fark nai padta" 

a little PAIN behind "its ok" 
... 
a little NEED behind "Mujhe Akela Chhod do" 

a Deep THOUGHT behind "Pata 
Nahi" 

a Lot of words behind "Silence" 

So try 2 understand Feelings not words...



I feel so complete when.... Im in tha rain!!



 

I feel so complete when.... Im in tha rain!!


 

I feel so complete when I'm in da rain
I feel no sorrow I feel no pain
I may give me a cold but I don�t care
There�s a calming sensation from grass to air
da feeling of love I don�t have, I will gain
Because my heart falls open as I stand in da rain.
 
May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire
 
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way

There is no color in the rain
It's only water, wet and plain.
It makes damp spots upon my book
And splashes on my new dress, look!
But puddles, in the rainy weather,
Glisten like a peacock's feather.


Things Men Say & What They Mean


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Pharmacist's Monday!


   
Pharmacist's Monday! 
 
 
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. 
 

 
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
 
I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
 
 
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
 

 
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
 

 
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
Just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
 
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
 
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
Started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
 
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,
And they spilled all over the floor.
 
 I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back
Against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
 
"Meanwhile, the phone
Is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. ;

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
 

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!!"
 
 
 
 

The POSTMAN, OMG, heh heh,


The Postman
 
One Monday morning the postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route delivering the mail. 

As he approaches one of the

                                                                               

Homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. 

His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, 
Coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.  
 
The Postman comments,
Wow Derek, it looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies, 
Actually we had it Saturday night. This is first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."

The Postman thinks a moment and says... 
How do you play WHO AM I. ?
 
Derek replies, 
Well...all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. 
Then the women try to guess who it is. 

The Postman laughs and says, 
WOW, Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.

Derek responded, 

     Probably a good thing you did...

        Your name came up seven times.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BEER, THE GREATEST INVENTION IN HISTORY


 
Beer, The Greatest Invention In History
 
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied:

"I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX


 
WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX 
 
 "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 
 
"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

 "How come it's so BIG in there?"

 "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

 "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

 (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

 (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

 "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

 "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

 "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

 "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

 "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

 "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

 "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

 "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

 "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

 "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

 "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
__________
 
There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.

__________

There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practiced by many