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Apr 13, 2011

Comedy Hindi Jokes


Man: Bed majbut banana, Mere BETE ko BAHU ke sath sona hai.
Mistri: Aisa Majbut Bed banaunga SARA MOHALLA BAHU ke saath SOEGA to bhi nahi tutega..!



Beta: Papa apki shaadi ho gayi?
Papa: Haan.
Beta: Kis se hui?
Papa: Bewkuf teri mummy se..
Beta: Wah papa ghar me hi setting kar li.



MAA-Beta Apple Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Mengo Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Beta Orange Khaoge,
BETA-Nahi
MAA-Bilkul Baap Par Gaya Hai,
Chappal Hi Khayega.



Baith kar apni mehbuba ki zulfo k saye me aisa josh aaya,
wah wah!
Phir..
phir..
Usk Papa ne dekh liya aur I.C.U. me hosh aaya.



Love Aur Arrange Marriage Me Kya Faraq He
Love Marriage Me Aap Apni Girlfriend Se Shadi Karte Hai
Aur
Arrange Marriage Me
Kisi Aur Ki ;-)



Raja or Rani ne fix kiya ki ab baat Mobile se nahi Kabutar se karenge.
1 din Rani ne bina khat ke kabutar uda diya.Raja bola:
Ye kya?
Rani boli miss call yaar.



Khud ko kar kanjoos itna ki..
har sms bhejne se pehle,
SERVICE CENTER wale khud call kar ke puche..
Bata sach me bhejna he ya galti se sent ho gaya tha.

Lighter moments


A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband, He's still not seeing things my way."
=======================
 
"Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings, or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that it is because of her shortcomings and weaknesses that she could not find a better husband than you."
========================
 
(one of my favourite)
A lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion. "All the best, my brother. Good luck."
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hell do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse."
The mouse replies: "I, too, was a lion before I got married."

__._,_.

A Couple Goes For Drive



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

What a great Job from Govt. of India (Must Read)



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

DAILY DOODAH . . . . .


 
A man goes into a bookstore and asks
the young lady assistant,

 
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"


She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."


"That's the one;     I'll take a copy." 


God's Blessings


 

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. 

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning  of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and  told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. 

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give  me  a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. 
    
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed   to come home immediately and take care things. When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. 

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those   words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.

It  had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports  car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation
and the words...PAID IN FULL. 

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? :))))

__._,_.___

Warning: blond joke



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Minnesota.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart-ass on your knee!"




What would you do...touching one



 




 


What would you do?....you make the choice.
Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one... Read it anyway.
My question is, would you have made the same choice?
 


At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech
that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences,
everything nature does, is done with perfection."

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
 
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'



The audience was stilled by the query.
 


The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
 
Then he told the following story:



Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
 


I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.
I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
 


Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
 
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again..

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.



At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
 
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.



However, as Shay stepped up to the
 
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
 


The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
 


Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'
 
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.



Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

 Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
 
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
 


All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'



Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
 
Shay, run to third!'



As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team



'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
 


Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
 


AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
 


If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
 
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
 


A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.



You now have two choices:

1. Delete

2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.


 
 
 


Ultimate Love Letter (By a Software Engineer)



 

Ultimate Funny Love Letter

Awesome mail...but d best part is signature...

(By a Software Engineer...  )

Sweetheart ,

I've seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I've been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. which I never experienced before.

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail.
And its all but certain that if
this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery.

Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free...

Regards,
Software Programmer 
Today This company
Tomorrow That Company
But always want Ur Company!


Truth of the Failure .....!!



 

Truth of the Failure .....!!



Failure doesn't mean you are a failure...... it does mean you haven't 
succeeded yet.

Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing..... it does mean you 
have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool...... it does mean you had a lot 
of faith.

Failure doesn't mean you have been disgraced...... it does mean you were 
willing to try.

Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...... it does mean you have to do 
something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean you are inferior...... it does mean you are not 
perfect.

Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life..... it does mean you've a 
reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn't mean you should give up...... it does mean you should try 
harder.

Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it...... it does mean it will take a 
little longer.

Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...... it does mean God has a 
better idea!



Xeracx 5


Xeracx 6


PURPLE HAT...!!




 

PURPLE HAT...!!

Age 3- She looks at herself in her purple hat, and sees a Queen.


 

Age 8- She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.


  Age 15- She looks at herself and sees an Ugly sister 
(Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!)

 

  Age 20- She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she's going out anyway.

 

  Age 30- She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"  decides she doesn't have time to fix it, but she's going out anyway.

 

   Age 40- She looks at herself and says "too much to do, can't get it all done,  it's been a long day,
and I'm going out anyway".

 

   Age 50- She looks at herself and thinks "I am just fine" and goes wherever she wants to go.

 

  Age 60- She looks at herself and sees wisdom and laughter, and goes out and enjoys life.

 

  Age 70- She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Then goes out and conquers the world.

 

  Age 80- Doesn't even bother to look. She just puts on that purple hat, goes out, and has fun with the world.

 

 Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier.

 

 

 



I MISS U ...!!





 

I miss you.

I miss the words you used to say. I miss the way you used to greet me in the hallways with that smile, and I would just blush and walk away.

I miss the texts you used to send me, making me smile, and making my life a little bit more happier.

You knew everything about me. It was just so easy to tell you everything, without getting judged.

I miss the nicknames, the sayings we had, and all the small little things you would do.

You always made me laugh, smile, and love you even more. You always knew when i was mad, upset or sad, and were always there.

I miss the compliments, the facebook obsessions, but most of all, I miss the, "I love you."

I miss the advice. I could talk to you about anything, anywhere, anytime. We were so close.

I miss hanging out with you. I even miss the small things I used to hate about you.

You told me you would never leave, we would always be bestfriends, and that you could never replace me.
.. yeah well, you lied.



Xeracx 4


Daily Humour



Lunar astronomers are optimists. They always look
at the bright side.

-----

I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't
click.
(Mike Bull's Pun of the Day)

-----

A take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy is a
saddle lite dish.
(Stan Kegel)

-----

Book Title: "How to Make a Robot" by Anne Droyd

-----

The guy who invented the door knocker won the
No-bell prize.

-----

A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a
piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you
to trace someone for me."

-----

The actor who played the one-armed man in "The
Fugitive" also had a role in the film "Jaws".
You probably don't remember him. His was just
a bit part.

__________________________________________________

Many years ago, the famous poet was suffering
with a head cold and runny nose. He went to the
doctor's office and explained his problem to the
nurse. She went in and told the doctor, "You have
to do something about Poe's nasal drip."

(Gary Hallock)

__________________________________________________

An American pilot crash-landed his plane in the
Australian bush, out in the middle of nowhere.
He woke up in a clinic, very rustic and dirty,
with foul smells. He is bandaged from head to
foot and needless to say feels horrible.

A very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse
approached his cot. With a deep sense of
resignation and fear he asks her, "Did I come
here to die?"

"Naw," the Aussie nurse replies, "Yew cyme heah
yestadye."

__________________________________________________

The new mother ran out to do some errands,
leaving the proud papa home to watch their
infant son. Soon after the mother left, the baby
started to cry. The father did everything he
could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop
crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to
take the baby to the doctor. The doctor listened
as the father related all the things he had done
to get the baby to stop crying. The doctor began
to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down
to the diaper area.

Sure enough, when he opened the diaper, he found
it was quite full. "Here's the problem," the
doctor said. "He just needs to be changed."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper
package specifically stated it is good for up
to 10 pounds!"

__________________________________________________

A Polish man goes to consult a famous specialist
about his medical problem. "How much do I owe
you?"

"My fee is fifty zloty," replies the physician.

"Fifty zloty? That's impossible."

"In your case, I suppose I could adjust my fee
to thirty zloty."

"Thirty zloty for one visit? Ridiculous!"

"Well, then, could you afford twenty zloty?"

"Who has so much money?"

"Look, just give me five zloty and be gone."

"I can give you two zloty. Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you. Why did you come to
the most expensive doctor in Warsaw?"

"Listen, Doctor, when it comes to my health,
nothing is too expensive."

__________________________________________________

Thought for Today:

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said,
'Let there be light!' And there was light. There
was still nothing, but you could see it a whole
lot better."

(Ellen DeGeneres, b. 1958)

_

Demotivational Posters



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