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Apr 6, 2011

Divorce













 

 
 
 
 
 
Mrs. Doonan tried to get a divorce from her husband and the solicitor says..."But Mrs. Doonan, just because you don't like him, that's no grounds for separation."

"Well, make a few suggestions," she said.

"Has he ever struck you?"

"No. I'd kill him if he did."

"Has he ever been cruel to the children?"

"Never."

"Ever left you short of money, then?"

"No, every Friday on the nail."

"I see." The solicitor pondered. "Ah, wait, think hard now, Mrs. Doonan, has he ever been unfaithful to you?"

Her face lit up. "By God, I think we got him there, I know for sure he wasn't the father of me last child!"
 


 

Farmer's daughter



A young man wished to marry the farmer's beautiful daughter. He went to the farmer to ask his permission.
 
The farmer looked him over and said,

"Son, go stand out in that field. I'm going to release three bulls, one at a time. If you can catch the tail of any one of the three bulls, you can marry my daughter."

The young man stood in the pasture awaiting the first bull.

The barn door opened and out ran the biggest, meanest-looking bull he had ever seen. He decided that one of the next bulls had to be a better choice than this one, so he ran over to the side and let the bull pass through the pasture out the back gate.

The barn door opened again. Unbelievable. He had never seen anything so big and fierce in his life. It stood pawing the ground, grunting, slinging slobber as it eyed him. Whatever the next bull was like, it had to be a better choice than this one. He ran to the fence and let the bull pass through the pasture, out the back gate.

The door opened a third time. A smile came across his face. This was the weakest, scrawniest little bull he had ever seen. This one was his bull. As the bull came running by, he positioned himself just right and jumped at just the exact moment.
 
He grabbed… but the bull had no tail!
 
 
Moral
 
Life is full of opportunities.  Some will be easy to take advantage of, some will be difficult.  But once we let them pass (often in hopes of something better), those opportunities may never again be available. So always grab the first opportunity.


--

GREAT WORDS




 

"The world suffers a lot. 
Not because of the violence of bad people,
But because of the silence of good people!" 

"I am thankful to all those who said NO to me
Its Because of them I did it myself.."

"If friendship is your weakest point 
then you are the strongest person in 
the world"

"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow!
But It Means That They Have 
The Ability To Deal With It". 

"Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, 
If You Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them". 


"Never Play With The Feelings Of Others Because You May Win The Game But 
The Risk Is That You Will 
Surely Loose The Person For Life Time". 

"When You Are In The Light, 
Everything Follows You,
But When You Enter Into The Dark, 
Even Your Own Shadow Doesnt Follow You." 

"Coin Always Makes Sound 
But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent.
So When Your Value Increases 
Keep Yourself Calm Silent" 

"It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone,
But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone"

Lesson to Remember throughout your Life



Happiness


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Fun Facts You'll Love Reading



 
 

Colombia produces the most emeralds of any country in South America.
 

The world's largest gold mine is in Juneau, Alaska
 

Namibia, Africa, supplies the most valuable diamonds of the 18 countries in southern Africa rich with diamonds.
 

Switzerland attracts the most suicide tourists.
 

India has no rabbits in the wild; only hares
 

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!
 

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis, Missouri!
 

It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!
 

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain churches in Omaha, Nebraska!
 

The state of Florida is bigger than England!
 

In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.
 

It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!
 

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
 

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!
 

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!
 

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!
 

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!
 

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
 
 
People:
 

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined
 

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded
 

In 1935, Jesse Owens broke 4 world records in 45 minutes
 

Mother Teresa's real name was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu
 

George Washington died the last hour of the last day of the last week of the last month of the last year of the 18th century
 

St Francis of Assisi introduced Christmas Carols to formal church services
 

The quickest ascent of Everest, in 10 hours, 56 minutes, was achieved by Sherpa Lhakpa Gelu
 

Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns
 

Walt Disney was once fired by a newspaper editor for lack of imagination
 

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts
 

Alexander the Great was an epileptic
 

Mozart wrote the music for the song Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star when he was just five years old.
 

Thomas Edison's total school education consisted of three months
 

Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, was born in the ancient southeastern Turkish town of Lycia early in the fourth century
 

The Most/ Longest/ Shortest/ Tallest/ Smallest/ Biggest/ Fastest:
 

The oldest national flag still in existence, that of Denmark, dates back to the 13th century
 

The longest movie made lasts 85 hours and is fittingly titled "The Cure for Insomnia.
 

The world's highest cricket ground is in Chail (HP), India, 2444 mts above sea level.
 

The most common disease in the world is tooth decay
 

Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds
 

The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
 

The quickest ascent of Everest, in 10 hours, 56 minutes, was achieved by Sherpa Lhakpa Gelu
 

The longest fence in the world is in Australia and it runs for over 3,436 miles (5,530 km)
 

The country with the most Post offices is India with over 152,792 compared with just over 38,000 in the United States.
 

The First/The Last:
 

The first Valentine's Day card was sent by the imprisoned Duke of Orlean to his wife in 1415.
 

Richard Cadbury invented the first Valentine's Day candy box in the late 1800s.
 

The first novel, called The story of Genji, was written in 1007 by Japanese noble woman, Murasaki Shikibu.
 

The first company that Bill Gates ever ran created machines that would record the number of cars passing a given point on a street.
 

The first personal computer was called the Altair and was made by a company called MITS in 1974. It came in a kit and had to be assembled by the user.
 

The Hollywood sign was first erected in 1923. Conceived as a real estate ad, it originally read Hollywoodland.
 

The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago.
 

26 December, Boxing day, was traditionally known as St. Stephen's Day, after the first Christian martyr.
 

The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany in 1531.
 

Great Britain was the first country to issue postage stamps, and they're the only nation today that doesn't use a national name on their stamps.
 

The Chinese first invented the system of zoos, and called them Parks of Intelligence.
 

The first striptease dance was performed in Paris, France on March 13, 1894.
 

The first time the color khaki was used for uniforms in a war was in 1880, during the Afghan War.
 

Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial coloring.
 

The term skyscraper was first used in 1888, to describe 11-story building.
 

Benjamin Franklin was America's first newspaper cartoonist.
 

When tennis was first invented in 1874, it was called sphairistike.
 

When volleyball was first invented in 1895, it was called mintonette.
 

The first animal in space was a female dog named "Laika".
 

The first hard drive available for the Apple II had a capacity of 5 Megabytes.
 

China was the first country to introduce paper money (in 812).
 

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.
 

The first Academy Awards (or Oscar's) were presented on 16 May 1929.
 

Australia's first police force was a band of 12 of the most well behaved Convicts.
 

In 1937, the first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria.
 

The first recorded reference to cricket dates back to 1272.
 

The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com in Mar 85.
 

The first music video was aired on August 1, 1981 "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Bugles on MTV.
 

The first police force was established in Paris 1667.
 

The first product to have a UPC bar code on its packaging was Wrigley's gum.
 

France became the first reigning World Cup champions who fail to win a match.
 

Pamela Lee-Anderson is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversiary of Canada's independence.
 

The first city in modern history to reach 1 million people was London in 1811.
 

Toronto was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system.
 

King Charles VII, assassinated in 1167, was the first Swedish king with the name of Charles. Charles I, II, III, IV, V, never existed.
 

The value of "pi" was first calculated by Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians.
 

The World's first university was established in Takshila, India in 700BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects.
 

The first place in the western world to give women the right to vote was an island known as "Man".
 

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo
 
 
 
The Phobias:
 

If you are afraid you might die laughing, you are suffering from cherophobia
 

Someone with an irrational fear of meat is called a carnophobic.
 

Unatractiphobia is the fear of ugliness or ugly people.
 

If you are a 'scoptophobic', you have an intense fear of being seen.
 

'Mageiricophobia' is the intense fear of having to cook.
 

Syngenesophobia is the fear of relatives
 

Automatonophobia is a fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsly represents a sentient being
 

Paedophobia is a fear of children
 

Clinophobia is the fear of beds
 

"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" is the fear of long words
 

Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias
 

Lyssophobia is a morbid fear of insanity
 

Hypnophobia is a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep
 

Elizabeth I of England suffered from anthophobia, a fear of roses
 

Arachibutyrophobia is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
 

The fear of vegetables is called Lachanophobia!..
 

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive!
 

Clinophobia is the fear of beds!
 

Acrophobia is the fear of heights
 

Claustrophobia is the fear of being closed in.
 

Arachnophobia is the Fear Of Spiders
 

Hemophobia is the fear of blood.
 

Hydrophobia/ Aquaphobia is the fear of water.
 

Fear of Beautiful women is Caligynephobia.
 

Fear of Men is Androphobia.
 

Fear of Kissing is Philemaphobia or Philematophobia
 

Fear of Love, sexual love is Erotophobia.
 

Fear of falling in Love, or being in Love is Philophobia
 

Fear of Love play is Malaxophobia or Sarmassophobia.
 

Words:
 

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,and month
 

The real name of Jesus was Yeshua. Jesus is the Greek version of the name.
 

A "funambulist" is a tight-rope walker.
 

Ernest Vincent Wright's novel Gadsby has 50,110 words, none of which contains the letter "E".
 

The word encyclopaedia comes from two Greek words meaning "a circle of learning."
 

Carol comes from the Greek word Choraulein which referred to a dance accompanied by a flute.
 

The word Christmas comes from the English phrase, Christes Masse, literally Christ's mass.
 

The word 'puppy' comes from the French poupee', meaning doll.
 

When two words are combined to form a single word (motor + hotel = motel, breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a "portmanteau".
 

The term "hooch" for liquor comes from the Hoochinoo Indians, known for their ability to make liquor so strong it could knock someone out.
 

Seoul, the capital of South Korea, is a Korean word meaning "capital".
 

The word "tattoo" comes from the Tahitian word "tattau," which means "to mark".
 

The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of your nose are known as the philtrum
 

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
 

The word "novel" originally derived from the Latin novus, meaning "new".
 

The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked".
 

The word Karate means, empty hand.

Laws (may be old to some)

1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.  But if you don't make an appointment,  you'll stay sick.