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Apr 4, 2011

Catholic Politically Incorrect Humor




Catholic Politically Incorrect Humor

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the
brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be
dying."






 

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Making Profit on a dead donkey



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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MORE-PICK UP LINES


More Pick-Up Lines:

Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Curt. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.
=======
 The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and
headed home early, explaining he had to get up early
the next day.  The buddy was surprised to see the
Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another
drink and sit down next to him.
"What's up?" the buddy asked. 
"When I got home early I found my wife in bed
fucking another guy," the Polack explained.
"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.
"No, there's no problem.  She promised she'd
change the sheets afterwards."
 

 

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KIDS IN LOVE


Kids on love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out."

(Randy, 8)

 

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Degrees of Blondes


7 degrees of Blonde 
FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 
from here!' and hung up. 
The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know 
If the coast is clear.' 

SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So, the first blonde hands her the compact. 

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' 

THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the 
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. 

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' 

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' 

FOURTH DEGREE 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all.' 

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' 

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.' 

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
A: 'Is it mine?' 

SIXTH DEGREE 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 
Roe vs. Wade was about. 
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'              

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. 

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde  
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then 
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come 
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do 
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' 

OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE 
YOU THINK MAY NEED A LAUGH TODAY.

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How to Bill Others (Joke)



How to Bill Others 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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100 GREATEST HITS OF YOUTUBE IN 4 MINUTES

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Love Story


 

Love Story

 

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on.

You ready for this?

(scroll down)

 

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'Humphrey'!

Oh stop your whining and groaning! It's a nice story and better than a lot of the junk I forward to you!

 

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A Japanese Problem in INDIA


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Bahu Ka Gussa

Saas Ne Bahu Se Pucha

Saas: "Bahu, Jo Naye Chawal Aaye Hai Vo Kaisi Hai?"

Bahu Gusse Se: "Ekdum Aapke Bete Jaisi"

Saas Haraini Se: "Kya Matlab?"

Bahu: "Bilkul, Chadhte Hi Pak Jaate Hai Aur Paani Chod Dete Hai Fir Turant Hi Utarna Padte Hai"
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He is a player but she is chracterless

Image
One is not born a woman, but becomes one - Simone de Beauvoir.

This couldn't hold more true than for Indian society. Everything about India is larger-than-life and so are the gender distinctions. Indians are known for being deeply-rooted in their culture and traditions. And this also means that the men have always had an upper hand in Indian society, with the male child being preferred to the female. The upper-hand extends to the dating arena as well. So while the males get away with being in multiple relationships and bask in the glory of being tagged 'playboys', women don't have it half as easy.

For a man, flings are just, well, flings; women on the other hand are demonised for similar behaviour.

Television actor, Gaurav Chopraa, says, "The playboy image has been romanticised, that too by women themselves. Women are drawn to such men despite knowing of their reputation for being a 'ladies' man'. Take for instance James Bond. But it works the other way round as well. Men desire women who are known to be a serial dater over the proverbial 'good girl.' The dating patterns of women do not lead to raised eyebrows anymore. And all those myths about locker room chats (read: bragging about their sexual prowess) is not true either. It's just friendly banter and makes for interesting conversation".

However, actor Gaurav Kapur begs to differ. He says, "Women are discreet when it comes to philandering, while men like to talk about their escapades. Both the sexes stray but men and their indulgences are accepted. We live in a hypocritical society. But in any case, philandering is not justified under any circumstance."

"While it's cool for a guy to be tagged a playboy, women, who flit from relationship to relationship, are considered loose. However, this attitude is not restricted to Indian society alone. The situation is the same the world over. It is unfair but that's how it is", laments singer Raghav Sachar. "Oh, and there is no need to be ashamed of the playboy tag. In fact, it's a charming situation" confesses the self-proclaimed flirt.
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Clean Hair?


Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. 

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: 
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" 

The woman replies, "Its Keith, The midget."





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After World Cup Finals



 Baad mein retire ke baare mein sochunga!!!  
lekin meri beewi kah rahi hai, next world cup mein beta ke saath century maarne ke baad mein retire karne ke baare mein socho....
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Happiness .....!!



 

Happiness .....!!




The only way to happiness is to look within you. Here are a few tools that may help you find your way. 

Be easily amused. People who laugh and smile are happier and usually live longer - than people who lack a sense of humour. 

Don't dwell on the negative. If there's something wrong, accept it and move through it. Ruminating about how bad life is won't help, and can lead to depression. If you can't stop the thoughts, consult a professional. 

Trust that your life has meaning. If it doesn't, or you can't find any at the moment, act as if you have it, until you stumble on what really floats your boat. 

Do something nice for yourself. It doesn't have to cost money or be a big deal. Sometimes just watching the sunset and letting the world go by can be very healing for the soul. 

Always have something with you to read. This way, you'll never be bored or waste time. When you read, you are both relaxing and learning. 

Do something for someone, without expecting anything in return. Help an old lady get her shopping bags into the car. Help someone stuck for parking space. These may seem like insignificant little things, but think how you would feel if someone were similarly helpful to you or someone you love. 

Eat something you love to eat, at least once a week. Depravation is depressing. Even if it means you have to spend an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill, eat that chocolate cake, if it can be the reason for your bliss. 

Get outside and appreciate your environment. Sunlight and fresh air are now being touted as ways to prevent certain types of cancer. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself, emotionally and physically, is to simply take a walk. 

Giving love and understanding is the first step in receiving it. This is one of the oldest and wisest pieces of truth on earth. Giving away what you want, is a great way to get what you really need. 

Always have a goal. Happiness comes from moving towards what you want, not from going away from it. Any time you achieve a dream, you need to replace it. Make sure you always have something to look forward to. 

Remember that happiness is not constant. Some people think that if they're not feeling happy, something is wrong. The real truth is that happiness is usually found somewhere off the beaten path - between the fantasy overpass and the reality off-ramp.



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The Art of ....


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A Blind Man



A BLIND MAN

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there", says the customer.
 
A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork.. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
 
"Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.
 
A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu.
 
The customer says, "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
 

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
 
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
 
In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him..
 
The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
 
He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork..
 
As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,  "Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?..



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NEWLYWEDS


 
 Newlyweds
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel
when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one
from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of
him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,
and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
-------------------
==========
A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The
husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in
four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
 
Did you hear about the blonde who got the toy poodle for her birthday?
Well she killed it trying to shove batteries up its ass.
 
How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
 
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
 
Q: What's red, black and blue and lies in the gutter?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What is the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.
Q: What's Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper
….in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."
 
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King Scratches Servant's Ass (Hilarious)


 
 

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the servant not to enter the donkey in another race.
 
Next day the local paper headline read:'KING SCRATCHES SERVANT's ASS'.
 

This was too much for the king, he ordered the servant to get rid of the donkey. He gave the donkey to the queen.
 
The local paper heading the news: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN".
The king fainted.
 

Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.
 
Next day paper read:"QUEEN SELLS ASS FOR $10"
 

This was too much, KING ordered the queen to buy back the donkey & lead it to jungle.
 
The next day Headlines:"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD & FREE"
 
The king was buried next day!
 
...Power of media


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HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN


 
 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
31. I'm so sorry.
32. Who circumcised you?
33. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
34. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
35. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
36. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
37. Let me go get my tweezers.
38. Let me know when you're done.
39. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
 
Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A: He couldn't jit.

Q: Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.
  


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Size Ki Bra

Ek Moti Lady Ek Bar Bazar Mein Bra Lene Gayi, Aur Dukan Pe Jake Bras Dekhne Lag Gayi

Dekhte Dekhte Achanak Boli: "Bhaiya, Wo Wali Bra Mere Size Ki Lagti Hai, Dikhana Zara"

Dukandar: "Maff Karna Bahanji, Vo Bra Nahi, Mere Scooter Ki Steppney Ka Cover Hai"
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A boy and the apple tree


 

A boy and the apple tree:-


A long time ago, there was a huge tree.

It loved a little boy very much, the boy loved to come & play around it everyday.

He climbed to the tree top.

Ate the apples.

Take a nap under the shadow.

He loved the tree, the tree was so happy!


Time went up…..

One day, the boy came back to the tree. The tree said "come & play with me".

'"I m no longer a kid, I do not play around a tree anymore". " I want toys. I need money to buy them."

Sorry,  but I do not have money… but u can pick all my apples & sell them. So, u will have money.

The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree & left happily. The tree was happy.

The boy never came back , after picked the apples. The tree was sad.


One day, the bao who now turned into a man returned & the tree was exicted. "come & play with me" the tree said.

I do not have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can u help me?"

"sorry, but I do not have any house. But u can chop off my branches to build ur house."

So the man cut all the branches of the tree & left happly.

The tree was glad to see him happy but the man never came back since then. The tree was again lonely & sad.


One hot summer day, the man returned & the tree was delighted. "come & play with me!" the  tree said.

"I am getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can u give me a boat?" said the man."

Use my trunk to build ur boat. "the tree said, "u can sail far away & be happy."

So the man cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing & never showed up for a long time.


Finally, the man returned after many years. "sorry, my boy. But I do not have anything for u anymore. No more apples for u…." the tree said. "no problem, I do not have any teeth to bite" the man replied,….

"no more trunk for u to climb on" " I am too old for that now" the man said.

" I really can not give u anything…. The only one thing left is my drying  roots" the tree said with tears. " I do not need much now, just a place to rest, I am tirred AFTER ALL THESE YEARS" the man replied.

" good old tree roots r the best place to lean on & rest, come, come sit down with me & rest."

The man sat down & the tree was glad & smiled with tears….

No matter how bussy u r , share some time with parents !


Story: Our life is no different from this story. In our lives, the apple tree is our parents. We never value our parents until we are in pain. Our parents always love to see us happy and even sacrifice their life and happiness and go through the hardship only to keep us happy. 

Value your parents. 

Forward this to all your friends and siblings so that they also learn this lesson!



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What is Real Love ...??



What is Real Love ...??



So I tell you a sweet story..
Ek sparrow ko ek white gulaab se pyar ho gaya,
usne gulaab ko propose kiya,
Gulaab ne javab diya ki jis din main laal ho jaunga us din main tumse pyarkarunga,
Javab sun ke sparrow gulaab ke aas- pass kanto pe lotne lagi,
or uske khoon se gulaab laal ho gaya,
ye dekh gulaab ne bhi usse kaha ki vo bhi usse pyaar karta hai,
par tab tak sparrow mar chuki thi ,
that's true love story..




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JI CHAHTA HAI....


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18 Rules of Life ......!!


18  rules for life --Nice Thoughts:-

1.       Pursue achievable goals.

2.       Keep a genuine smile

3.       Share with others

4.       Help the neighbours.

5.       Maintain a youthful spirit.

6.       Get along with the rich, the poor, the beautiful & the ugly.

7.       Keep cool under pressure.

8.      Lighten the atmosphere with humor.

9.       Forgive the annoyance of others.

10.   Have few pals.

11.    Cooperate and reap greater rewards.

12.    Treasure every moment with your loved ones.

13.    Have high confidence in urself.

14.    Respect the disadvant aged.

15.    Indulge urself occasionally.

16.    Give thanks to the almighty.

17.    Take calculated risks.

18.   Understand "Money isn't everything

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Very nice message....!!!



 

VERY NICE MESSAGE:-



I think I should share-


While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked stone & scratched lines on the side of car.


In angry, the man took the child's hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench..


At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.


When the child saw his fatherwith painful eyes he asked Dad when will my fingers grow back?


Man was so hurt and speechless.


He went back  to car & kicked it many times.

 

Deva stated by his own actions..


Sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches. Child had written LOVE YOU DAD.


Next day that man committed suicide


Anger & love have no limits


Always remember that- things are to be used & people are to be loved, but the problem in today's world is that, people are used & things are loved.



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simply Awesome!!!




''V did not lose 2 a team called India, v lost 2 a man called Sachin'' - Mark Taylor(aus)
'Nothing bad can happen 2 us if v were on a plane in India wit Sachin Tendulkar on it.'' -Hashim Amla(SA)
''He can play that leg glance with a walking stick also -Waqar Younis(Pak)
''There r 2 kind of batsman in the world. 1 Sachin Tendulkar and 2. all the others -Andy Flower(ZIM)
"I have seen God. He bats at no.4 for India in tests -Matthew Hayden(AUS.)
"I c myself when! i c Sachin batting -Don Bradman(AUS)
"Do your crime when Sachin is batting, bcos even God is busy watching his batting  -Australian Fan
Barack Obama - "I don't know about cricket but still I watch cricket to see Sachin play..Not b'coz I love his play its b'coz I want to know the reason why my country's production goes down by 5 percent when he's in batting"...




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Use of Condom After AGE 50


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Your Daily Smile ... Caught in the act



A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.


 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!


 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Washington Redskins tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and He even pays the monthly dues!'


 

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?


 

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

 

 

 

 

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Exam Graph's


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He Agreed On All These Things

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty,
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high,
3) Overcharging fees to many clients,
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
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The Lawyer's Son

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
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Tell Him Go To Hell

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty,
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high,
3) Overcharging fees to many clients,
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." 
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University Final Examination

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes
off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt,pant,socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here"! It says here "Answer the following questions in brief". 
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Time Ka Funda Bada Hi Ganda

Kapil Naam Ka Ek Aadmi Fauj Mein Major Thha

Usko Log Kafi Smart Aur Intelligent Bola Karte Thhe

Ek Din Faujiyo Ki Ek Party Chal Rahi Thhi Usmein Ek Ladki Aayi

Usne Kapil Se Pucha: "Aap Log To Fauj Mein Rahte Hai Desh Ki Seva Main Busy Rahte Hai, Aapne Last Time Sex Kab Kiya Thha?"

Kapil Ne Kuch Socha Aur Bola: "1955"

Ladki Khush Hote Hue: "Wow, Ye To Bahut Time Ho Gaya, Kya Aap Abhi Mere Sath Sex Karna Chahenge?"

Kapil Ne Apni Watch Dekhi Aur Muskurate Hue Bola: "Nahi Dear Abhi Nahi, Abhi To Sirf 2035 Hue Hai, Thodi Der Baad Karenge"

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Aurton Ka Chehra Ek Jaisa Hota Toh Kya Hota


Baba Saxidas Bahut Dino Se Tapsya Mein Leen Thhe, Aaj Jaisi Hi Uthe To Dekha Bahut Se Log Unka Intezar Kar Rahe Thhe.

Baba Ji Naha Doke Fresh Hoke Bethe To Log Apne Apne Dukhde Leke Unke Pass Aaye.

Esa Hi Ek Dukhi Aadmi Unke Pass Aya Aur Bola: "Baba Ji, Agar Is Duniya Mein Sari Aurto/Female Ke Face Ek Jaise (Same) Hote To Kya Hota?"

Baba Ji Hass Ke Bole: "Bachha Kuch Nahi Hona Thha, Gas Cylinder Ki Tarha Hota Sab Kuch"

Bhakt: "Ji, Matlab?"

Baba Ji Ne Samjhaya:

Aaj Is Ke Ghar Kal Uske Ghar, Koi 15 Din Koi 1 Mahina Use Karke Badal Deta,

Aur Kuch Syane Log To Apni Car Mein Bhi Uska Istemaal Kiya Karte.

Aur Badti Hui Mahngayi Ko Dekh Ke Log Socha Karte Yaar Kam Hi Use Kar Le To Jyada Achha Hai, Kuch Din Jyada Chal Jayegi.


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