The Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield absolutely n*ked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the hell happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield absolutely n*ked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the hell happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
101 Things Not To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny n*ked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory ra*e?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that for*play is overrated
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory ra*e?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that for*play is overrated
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Labor Pain
A married couple went to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The Husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain !!
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got in the car to get home,
they found the DRIVER dead in the car !!
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The Husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain !!
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got in the car to get home,
they found the DRIVER dead in the car !!
5 Types Of Flirting Men
When it comes to sex and dating, much has been written about the simplicity of men and complexity of women. So when it comes to flirting, logic may (incorrectly) tell you men love nothing more then a no-nonsense shoulder tap and head nod to the nearest hotel. Why flirt when you can just get down to business? In reality, men take flirting just as seriously as us gals and love the subtle dance as much as the ladies do. Below we've mapped out a plan that includes five types of flirting men love.
- Just say hi. If you don't consider yourself a learned scholar in the school of flirting, no worries. One universal among all men surveyed was how much they love it when a woman takes control and makes the first move. "Just come over and say hi," says Adam. "I really don't need a lot. Smiling works wonders... I don't see how you can go wrong with that tactic, just as long as you open with something friendly and funny."
- Don't insult, but tease please. "I love it when a girl rips on me," says Nick. "Be playful, entertaining. You want to keep things upbeat." In other words, no need to impress the tall, dark handsome guy in the corner with your impressive knowledge of Nietzsche (save it for the first date); instead gently poke fun and laugh. Don't act like a ditz, but tease. Men bond with each other this way, so trust us, his feelings won't get hurt.
- Listen when they talk. After you've said hello and shared a laugh, engage him in a conversation and listen to what he says. "I hate it when I talk to a girl and I feel like she isn't really listening to anything I say," Brian says. "Almost like she's just pausing and waiting to talk again." A good rule is to ask as many questions as you answer. While you won't earn points intellectually running someone down, trumping your own IQ at the expense of someone else's for instance, it wouldn't hurt to offer some open-minded insight.
- Ask about their workout regime.After you've poked fun at his girly drink and listened to his take on the oil spill, give him the eye and ask, "What's your workout regime? You look great." While most men don't spend hours in front of the mirror beating themselves up because they don't look like David Beckham, when it comes to his body, flattery will get you everywhere. "I know I'm not the best-looking dude," says Ivan. "But if a girl compliments my arms or says it looks like I take care of myself, or anything really, then I know it's working for her, and that's all that matters."
- Touch them.If you haven't already, lightly touch his arm, leg or the small of his back. But don't (we repeat don't) be too forceful. "I can't stand it when a girl is too aggressive physically," says Brian. "Too much has been made of all guys being horn dogs, so girls get the impression the sluttier they act the better. So not true." In the same vain as smile or hello form afar, a little light pawing is all you need to let him know you're interested, ladies.
Learning Alphabets in Punjabi Way
A is for Aiscreame
B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.
C is for Caluoney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Caluoney'.
D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'
E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building
G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.
H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.
I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be..
K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.
N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.
O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).
Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi does not exist in the culture.
R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.
S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .
T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.
U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'
V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.
Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.
Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.
B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.
C is for Caluoney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Caluoney'.
D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'
E is for Expanditure, the spending of money
F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building
G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.
H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.
I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.
J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be..
K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')
L is for Loin, the king of the jungle
M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.
N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.
O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).
Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi does not exist in the culture.
R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.
S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .
T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.
U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'
V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.
Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.
Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.
12th March 2011 Super Moon Pictures from the World
The moon's orbit about the Earth is not a perfect circle it is slightly eccentric. As a result, during part of its orbit it is a little closer to us than at other times. The closest approach is called perigee, while the greatest separation is called apogee.
On average, the moon's distance from Earth is 239,228 miles (385,000 kilometers). At perigee it is a bit closer at 221,643 miles (356,700 kilometers), whereas at apogee it is somewhat farther away at 252,463 miles (406,300 kilometers). 12th March 2011 Saturday's full moon has been called a supermoon, because the moon was closer to us than it had been at any time in the last 18 years, making it appear unusually large in the night sky.Earlier the Super Moon occurred in 1955, 1974, 1992and 2005.They were accompanied by extreme weather conditions. The Katrina and hurricane which occurred in 2005 was also a result of super moon.
On average, the moon's distance from Earth is 239,228 miles (385,000 kilometers). At perigee it is a bit closer at 221,643 miles (356,700 kilometers), whereas at apogee it is somewhat farther away at 252,463 miles (406,300 kilometers). 12th March 2011 Saturday's full moon has been called a supermoon, because the moon was closer to us than it had been at any time in the last 18 years, making it appear unusually large in the night sky.Earlier the Super Moon occurred in 1955, 1974, 1992and 2005.They were accompanied by extreme weather conditions. The Katrina and hurricane which occurred in 2005 was also a result of super moon.Super Moon 2001 March Video by NASA
