Women like to get drunk before sex

A study has revealed that millions of women consume alcohol before having sex because they lack confidence in their bodies. 

In the survey of 3000 women aged 18-50, almost half of those quizzed said they preferred sex while under the influence of alcohol because it helped them lose their inhibitions and be more adventurous. 

Researchers found on average they slept with eight men, but were drunk with at least five, and on two occasions couldn't remember the man's name the next day. 

Four out of 10 had been tipsy when sleeping with a partner for the first time. 

The study revealed that 75 per cent of women liked to drink before getting into bed with their husband or boyfriend, and 6 per cent had never had sex sober. 

More than half claimed drinking with a prospective partner was 'part of the dating process' so were a bit drunk when they had sex. 

It also revealed 14 per cent of women in a relationship can't sleep with their partner without a couple of glasses of wine beforehand. 

Kathryn Lakeland of Femfresh, which conducted the study, said the findings proved women lacked confidence. 

"The fact alcohol plays an integral role in their love lives shows that women are looking for a boost in self-esteem when it comes to their bedroom antics," the Courier Mail quoted her as saying. 

"But in doing so many women will be losing self-control, and this is when drunken one-night stands are more likely to occur," she added. 

A Girl's First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. 

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. 

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. 






You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. 

Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinking?

Perfect girlfriend has a big sex drive!

Men believe that the perfect girlfriend is the one who has a high sex drive, enjoys a hearty meal and gets ready to go out in 10 minutes. 

Apart from this, the perfect girlfriend is a career-minded woman who earns more than their partner but at the same time wants to stay at home and bring up the children. 

The clue to these seemingly contradictory demands lies in the men polled, 3,000 bachelors. 

Near the top of their girlfriend checklist is the requirement that she should have a "pert bottom" – which may explain why they are still single. 

And while three-quarters of the men polled said their ideal woman would keep her weight in check, 89 per cent also wanted her to tuck into a big meal without worrying. These perfect ladies will have luscious long hair, be skinny and trim and confident enough to go out without make-up. 

"While many women might find these standards hard to live up to, six in 10 men firmly believe their perfect girlfriend is out there somewhere. However, there are a few contradictions which might make it hard for them to get their ideal date," the Daily Express quoted Nicole Clowes, spokeswoman for UKDating , which carried out the poll, as saying. 

"There aren't many women who can tuck into a mountain of food every day and stay skinny. And there is some confusion about whether men would like to date a high earner or someone who stays at home with the children." 

The ability to hold an intelligent conversation isn't a big concern for men – 61 per cent prefer someone who likes a laugh and a joke. 

Morning sex improves mood, health

Want to kick start your day feeling healthy and positive? Look no further than the bedroom, suggests a new study 

According to the research, adults who make love first thing in the morning apparently not only feel more upbeat for the rest of the day, but also benefit from a stronger immune system. 

The study suggests that adults who begin their day this way are healthier and happier than those who simply opt for a cup of tea and some toast before heading out of the door. 

Not only does it make them less likely to catch a cold or flu, it can also improve the quality of their hair, skin, and nails. 

"Having sex in the morning releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving and bonded all day long," the Daily Mail quoted Dr Debby Herbenick, an American research scientist and sex advice columnist, as saying. 

Dr Herbenick, author of the book Because It Feels Good, added: "It makes you stronger and more beautiful too: Morning sex can strengthen your immune system for the day by enhancing your levels of IgA, an antibody that protects against infection. 

"And it releases chemicals that boost levels of oestrogen, which improves the tone and texture of your skin and hair." 

Other studies suggest that the benefits do not end there. A study at Queens University in Belfast found that having sex three times a week could halve the risk of heart attack or stroke. 

Research from Nottingham University also revealed that men who kept up a regular sex life in their 50s were also at lower risk of developing prostate cancer.

EARLY (AND NOT SO EARLY) WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY

Early (and not so early) Warning Signs of Insanity Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. You laugh out loud during funerals. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!" Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion. You collect dead windowsill flies. Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" You like cats. Especially with mayo. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

GROSSED OUT FUNNIES!!

THESE JOKES ARE REALLY SICK....IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY...STOP READING NOW!! Grosser Than Gross! If You Get Offended By Sexist, Crude, Rude And Downright Disgusting Jokes, THEN DO NOT READ. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! This guy was having sex with a young girl. He'd just started stroking in and out when she screamed. "What's wrong baby?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "I don't know," she answered, "It hurts a lot." "A lot? what do you mean a lot?" prompted the guy eager to finish the job at hand. "I don't know," replied the young girl, "every time you push it just hurts me." "Well maybe if you describe the pain, we can work out what's causing it." "Well Okay," said the girl, "Uhhm, the pain is excruciating." "Excruciating!" retorted the flabbergasted man, "Where the fuck does a six year old girl learn a word like excruciating!!?" »¤«::::»§«::::»¤ Dear Abby, I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR Dear Lovelorn: If she coughs up a lot of phlegm and blood, fuck her. »¤«::::»§«::::»¤   Singa song of syphilis,a fanny fulla crabs Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs When the scabs pop open, heads began to sing Wasn't that a dirty cunt, to stick your penis in. »¤«::::»§«::::»¤   My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally while demons rip the rotting flesh from our bodies, but I didn't want to upset him. »¤«::::»§«::::»¤   A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."   »¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

IF GOD WAS A WOMAN.....

If God Was A Woman.... 1. Sex would smell like chocolate 2. Farts would smell like roses 3. Dogs would smell spring fresh 4. Babies would come from vending machines 5. Men would be born with a permanent erection 6. All women would have the same size breasts 7. There would be no cellulite 8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE 9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch 10. There would be no "Hooters" 11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife 12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii! 13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle 14. Men would come with software to be custom designed 15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife 16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth 17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches 18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds 19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek 20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.     A very homely young woman made an appointment with the psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," said the doctor, "Just go over and lie face down on that couch!" "Doc, you gotta help me!" said the man to his doctor, "I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas and whole bananas come out. What can I do?" "Simple," replied the doc, "Eat Shit!"

MISCELLANEOUS

Miscellaneous A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night." &&&&&   The teacher hears Lil Jimmie cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching to Jimmie's father. She comes to Jimmie's house and notices Little Jimmie fucking a goat in the yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!" "Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.   &&&&&   What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg? You let the pit bull finish.   &&&&&   The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called.... "Pre-dick-a-mints."

Never Make Woman angry!!!

 

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the which is supposed mean lung-disease;pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Newfie

 

There's this Newfie and it's his birthday. He gets a package in the mail.

"Oh me god!" he says when he opens it. "I gots a new pair of rubber boots from me mom for me birthday, I'm going out to the bar dancing!"

So the Newfie puts on his best suit and he shines those rubber boots till he can see his reflection in them, then off to the bar he goes.

The Newfie's standing at the bar, he looks over in the corner and sees a pretty girl, so he asks her to dance. They're dancing and dancing. Then the Newfie looks down at his rubber boots, looks up at the girl and says, "You have pink panties on". Well the girl gets all offended and she walks off.

The Newfie spots another girl and asks her to dance. They're dancing and dancing. The Newfie looks down at his rubber boots, then says to the girl, "You have blue panties on". She also gets  offended and walks off.

Now the Newfie does this to a few more girls and they each get pissed off at him. Word travels around the bar about this Newfie and soon none of the girls will dance with him.

The Newfie is kind of dejected and about to leave when he notices a sleazy looking blonde sitting by herself in the corner.

The Newfie strolls over and asks the blonde to dance. She knocks back her whiskey and says, "Sure"

They're dancing and dancing and the Newfie looks down at his rubber boots.

"Oh me god!!, Oh me god no!!", sobs the Newfie.

The blonde looks at him and says, "What's the matter? "

"I've got a crack in me new rubber boots!"

__.

Singing

 

Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the
church choir. From time to time she would practice
while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would
head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter,
Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want
to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

__._,_.___

Things to worry

 

"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!"

__._,_.___

What would you do ? ? ?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ? ? ?   A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your Tennessee Titans season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your motorcycle. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.