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Mar 2, 2011
REPAIRS
THE ROBOT
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Psychiatrist vs Bartender.....
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HOW A STOCK MARKET WORKS
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A Dog Story
"An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and
was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside
and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an
hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find
out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if
you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note
pinned to his collar:
' He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6
children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on
his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and
was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside
and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an
hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find
out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if
you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note
pinned to his collar:
' He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6
children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on
his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Questions you can never Answer
Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!
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Q. Who sits on babies?
A. A babysitter.
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Q. What has arms and legs, but no head?
A. A chair!
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Q. What runs but never walks?
A. Water!
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Q. What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A. A blackboard!
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Q. What did the light say when it was turned off?
A. I'm delighted!
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Q. What has a head and a tail but no body?
A. A coin!
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Q. What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
A. Stinkerbell!
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Q. What is the richest kind of air?
A. Millionaire.
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Q. Why did the girl throw the clock out the window?
A. Because she wanted to see time fly!
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Q. Which is faster, cold or heat?
A. Heat, you can catch a cold!
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Q. What jam can't be eaten on toast?
A. A traffic jam!
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Q. Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?
A. In case he got a whole in one!
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Q. What two things can't you have for dinner?
A. Lunch and breakfast!
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Q. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
A. He got fed up with the whole business!
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Q. What's the hottest letter in the alphabet?
A. 'B', because it makes oil...Boil!
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Q. Why did the pony cough?
A. He was a little hoarse!
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Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. He had no body to go with!
A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!
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Q. Who sits on babies?
A. A babysitter.
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Q. What has arms and legs, but no head?
A. A chair!
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Q. What runs but never walks?
A. Water!
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Q. What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A. A blackboard!
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Q. What did the light say when it was turned off?
A. I'm delighted!
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Q. What has a head and a tail but no body?
A. A coin!
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Q. What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
A. Stinkerbell!
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Q. What is the richest kind of air?
A. Millionaire.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the girl throw the clock out the window?
A. Because she wanted to see time fly!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which is faster, cold or heat?
A. Heat, you can catch a cold!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What jam can't be eaten on toast?
A. A traffic jam!
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Q. Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?
A. In case he got a whole in one!
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Q. What two things can't you have for dinner?
A. Lunch and breakfast!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
A. He got fed up with the whole business!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the hottest letter in the alphabet?
A. 'B', because it makes oil...Boil!
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Q. Why did the pony cough?
A. He was a little hoarse!
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Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. He had no body to go with!
The Two Trainees
"Two Trainees working in the same office, one wanted some time off, but knew the boss wouldn't allow him to take leave.
He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him 'What are you doing'?'
'Ah pretending to be ah light bulb so the boss will think ah crazy and give me time off for a few days'.
Just then de boss walks in. 'What the arse you doing?'
'I am ah light bulb' the trainee says.
De boss then said, 'Man you stress out. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better.'
The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...
The boss asks him 'Where the hell you think you're going?'
The other Trainee replied 'I going home....I cant work in the dark."
He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him 'What are you doing'?'
'Ah pretending to be ah light bulb so the boss will think ah crazy and give me time off for a few days'.
Just then de boss walks in. 'What the arse you doing?'
'I am ah light bulb' the trainee says.
De boss then said, 'Man you stress out. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better.'
The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...
The boss asks him 'Where the hell you think you're going?'
The other Trainee replied 'I going home....I cant work in the dark."
FBI Recruitment
"Three men were at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office.
The interviewing FBI agent said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun, hesitated, and said, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee came into the office.
The agent said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked back out.
'Sorry,' he said.
The last man came into the office. This guy really wanted the job. The interviewer said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, and then a lot of screaming.
Shortly, the man came out of the room and said, 'Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!'"
The interviewing FBI agent said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun, hesitated, and said, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee came into the office.
The agent said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked back out.
'Sorry,' he said.
The last man came into the office. This guy really wanted the job. The interviewer said, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, and then a lot of screaming.
Shortly, the man came out of the room and said, 'Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!'"
Son And Father Exchange Letters
"Son to his father
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Father replies
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Your Dad"
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Father replies
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Your Dad"
Stupid Questions
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your A*s?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your A*s?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Problem Solved
"A passenger jet taxiing down the runway, abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate and stopped. Eventually, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off to air.
A scared concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, 'What was the problem?'
'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine.' explained the Flight Attendant.
'Well, I hope it's all sorted now.' Replied the nervous passenger.
'Oh yes, it's fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot and replace him.'"
A scared concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, 'What was the problem?'
'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine.' explained the Flight Attendant.
'Well, I hope it's all sorted now.' Replied the nervous passenger.
'Oh yes, it's fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot and replace him.'"
Please! make me women
A man was sick and tired of goingto work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast forhis mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, rove them to school, came home andpicked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,though. You got pregnant last night."
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast forhis mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, rove them to school, came home andpicked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,though. You got pregnant last night."
Deadly Spiders
Deadly spiders
Some interesting facts I didn't know about spiders!     This one comes in various colors, and in some cases is bald. Be afraid…… Be very afraid! |
Nice excuse
"A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
'What in the heck am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks for a second and says, 'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!' 'Have a nice Christmas,' said the officer."
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
'What in the heck am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks for a second and says, 'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!' 'Have a nice Christmas,' said the officer."
Insulting in an Appreciating Manner
"When you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they indend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker.
'That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure.'
'You're smarter than you look.'
'You drive very well, for a woman.'
'Your son is more handsome than I would have expected.'
'You are attractive, for your age.'
'You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you.'
'You're not as heavy as people think you are.'
'I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!'
'You're so smart, for an American.'
'You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!'
'I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice.'
'Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!'
'Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate.'
'You're more of a 'street smart' kind of guy.'
'You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry.'
'You're so evolved…for a man.'"
'That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure.'
'You're smarter than you look.'
'You drive very well, for a woman.'
'Your son is more handsome than I would have expected.'
'You are attractive, for your age.'
'You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you.'
'You're not as heavy as people think you are.'
'I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!'
'You're so smart, for an American.'
'You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!'
'I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice.'
'Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!'
'Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate.'
'You're more of a 'street smart' kind of guy.'
'You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry.'
'You're so evolved…for a man.'"
Pennies Reading Waitress :
"One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch.
A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his 'generosity' and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.
'Yeah? What can you tell about me?' he asked.
'You put three pennies in a neat row,' said the waitress, 'and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal and the second tells me that you are a bachelor.'
'That's true,' he agreed. 'But what does the third penny tell you?'
'The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too'"
A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his 'generosity' and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.
'Yeah? What can you tell about me?' he asked.
'You put three pennies in a neat row,' said the waitress, 'and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal and the second tells me that you are a bachelor.'
'That's true,' he agreed. 'But what does the third penny tell you?'
'The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too'"
Real Talent of an Auditor
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The
driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the
shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large
flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60
Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and
says, ''You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'
The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'
The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'
The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. 'Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..... Now can I have my dog back?'
driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the
shepherd, 'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large
flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60
Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and
says, ''You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'
The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'
The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'
The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'
The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'
'How did you know?' asks the young man.
'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. 'Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..... Now can I have my dog back?'
