The Evil Image

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide...

 

 He lost his job, his home and his car..

Out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was.

The man replies he has nothing to live for... everything is gone.

 

The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant him
three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

 

The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered.

 

 First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is
now Senior VP at IBM..

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, and the evil image tells the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.

 

"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed.

 

They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

 

 "Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"

 

With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"
_________________

 

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral
sex on his old lady.  The woman at the front desk gave him a key
and told him to go to room 319.  He went in and there he saw his
lady of the evening.

He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and
told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty
good at it.  But something strange happened.  About five minutes
into the deed he felt something in his mouth.  He stealthily spit
it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of
carrot.

"Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

"Christ!  I can't take this much more.  There's something wrong
with this bitch." But again he said nothing and gave it one more
shot.

This time it was a piece of chicken.  He could stand it no
longer.

"Fuck!  I can't do this anymore!  I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."

Johnny Fuckauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"

--------

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

A Horsefly And An Elephant

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging
her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the
horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I
can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered
how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very
excited and started to masturbate.

This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the
head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you,
dear?"

___________

 

An 18-year-old young woman arrived home very late from a first
date with a guy.  Her angry mother asked her "where the hell"
she'd been all night.

"Mom, I'm an adult now," said the woman, "and I think I am in
love!"

"What do you mean?" queried the concerned mother.  "It was only
your first date with the guy!"

"Yeah," replied the daughter, "but I sucked his dick and then he
fucked me in the ass!"

"That's not LOVE, my daughter," replied mother.  "That's LUST!"

"Then what's love?" asked daughter.

Mother explained, "When you get fucked in the ass first and then
suck his dick, that's love!"

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.


One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..


If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.


She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.


'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.


'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.


And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.


Three with meatballs, two without.


Send extra sauce.

Questions You Can Never Answer

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Golf

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!" 

CSA Forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Childbirth At 65........

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM !!'

Things you see is not always true

Why are Indians Easy to Identify?

We are like this only so true, so very true........ ..

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.

3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp..

6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts..

7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini..)

8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their real names.

9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. *****

13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think.

14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen.

15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff)

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).

23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.

26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.

28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight .

29.. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.

30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.

34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

37. You have really enjoyed reading this - forward it to as many Indians as possible.

I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN

An Amish woman

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold  blistery day.  The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'  The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'  The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.  The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,         'My  hands are freezing cold.'  The girl replied,   'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..  He did and warmed his hands.  The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.  He said,    'My nose is cold .'  The girl replied   'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'  He did and warmed his nose.  The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,   'My penis is frozen solid.'  The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,  and she asks,    'Have you ever heard of a penis?'  Concerned the mother said,   'Why yes..... why do you ask?'  The daughter replies,   'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!