These are simply irresistible. I promise you, you'll laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Apr 13, 2010
A beautiful Love story .......!!
A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a separate room. Since all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek "Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:
One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding. "reason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..." By this time, all the qualities were already hidden-except "Love ".
For stupid as "Love " is, he could not decide where to hide.
And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love".
"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one hundred..... ...."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened. He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u... ..u shall always be with him"
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.!
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek "Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:
One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding. "reason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..." By this time, all the qualities were already hidden-except "Love ".
For stupid as "Love " is, he could not decide where to hide.
And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love".
"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one hundred..... ...."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened. He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u... ..u shall always be with him"
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.!
This Explains the Man's Life Completely
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Funny signs
On a Toilet door:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOWIn a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTOutside
A secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARNotice
in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOWIn a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUTOutside
A secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARNotice
in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
I have a divine right
A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm
resort on the beach in the Caribean.
All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the
sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently
alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves
from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.
Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear
to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw
she was topless.
The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not
right.”
The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”
The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine
left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”
resort on the beach in the Caribean.
All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the
sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently
alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves
from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.
Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear
to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw
she was topless.
The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not
right.”
The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”
The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine
left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”
10 reasons why your computer is better than your girlfriend
1.) She doesn’t talk back to you. At best she beeps or gives you the silent treatment.
2.) She provides you with more information than your girlfriend will ever know.
3.) When you upgrade you know the costs up front.
4.) You can stare at tons of other girls and your computer will never get mad at you.
5.) You can shut her down whenever you get tired of her.
6.) Troubleshooting your computer is much easier than your GF.
7.) Your computer holds many valuable bits of information about your past and still likes
you.
8.) You can press your computers buttons without any worry of repercussions.
9.) Your computer won’t sleep with your best friend or cheat on you.
10.) Your computer will cost a lot less than any girlfriend!
2.) She provides you with more information than your girlfriend will ever know.
3.) When you upgrade you know the costs up front.
4.) You can stare at tons of other girls and your computer will never get mad at you.
5.) You can shut her down whenever you get tired of her.
6.) Troubleshooting your computer is much easier than your GF.
7.) Your computer holds many valuable bits of information about your past and still likes
you.
8.) You can press your computers buttons without any worry of repercussions.
9.) Your computer won’t sleep with your best friend or cheat on you.
10.) Your computer will cost a lot less than any girlfriend!
Who will be first on the Sun?
*A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. *
**
*The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"*
****
*The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" *
* *
*The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"*
*The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. *
**
*"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up" said the Russian*
**
*To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.*
**
**
*We're going at night!" *
**
*The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"*
****
*The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" *
* *
*The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"*
*The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. *
**
*"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up" said the Russian*
**
*To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.*
**
**
*We're going at night!" *
JOKE Anger management...LOL
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
It out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
On someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
To make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing
Number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
Transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it
In my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
Day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,
This is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if
You're familiar
With our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an
Asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
Patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
For that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
His number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
Asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's
Parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me.'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a
Black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
Saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole.'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
At 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to
Kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree
Blvd. In Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!