Ek Sharabi full tight hokar ghar jaa raha tha. Raaste me mandir ke baahar pujari dikha.
Sharabi n pujari se poocha, sabse bada kaun?
Pujaari NE peecha chudane ke liye kaha "Mandir Bada".
Sharabi bola "Mandir bada toh dharti pe kaise khada"
Pujari: "Dharti badi"
Sharabi: "Dharti badi toh Sheshnaag pe kyun khadi"
Pujari" "Sheshnaag bada"
Sharabi: "Sheshnaag bada toh Shiv ke gale me kyon pada"
Pujari: "Shiv bada"
Sharabi: "Shiv bada toh Parbat par kyon khada"
Pujari: "Parbat bada"
Sharabi: "Parbat bada toh Hanuman ki ungli pe kyon pada"
Pujari: "Hanuman bada"
Sharabi: "Hanuman bada toh Ram ki charno me kyon pada"
Pujari: "Ram bada"
Sharabi: "Ram bada toh Ravan ke piche kyun pada"
Pujari: "arey mere baap TU Bata kaun bada"
Sharabi: "Is duniya me woh bada, Jo puri bottle pee ke apni taango pe khada."
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Apr 5, 2010
DIARY ABOUT MY PERSONAL TRAINER
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress..............
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress..............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce
took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *^&%%$$$ barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned
in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from,
you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!
Naughty Miscellaneous
When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's
door asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,
he rang the bell.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure
you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"
Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take
a milk bath."
Do you want it pasteurized?"
No, just up to my tits would be fine."
door asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,
he rang the bell.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sure
you want sixteen gallons of milk today?"
Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to take
a milk bath."
Do you want it pasteurized?"
No, just up to my tits would be fine."
lllll
Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed
husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was a fucking idiot?"
husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was a fucking idiot?"
Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Q. What's a queers favorite dish in a Chinese restaurant?
A. Cream of Sum Yung Guy.
A. Cream of Sum Yung Guy.
Q. What's the definition of "hell on earth?"
A. A blind lesbian in a fish store.
Q. What did the lesbian bumper sticker say?
A. "Save a tree. Eat a beaver."
Q. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders
A. A blind lesbian in a fish store.
Q. What did the lesbian bumper sticker say?
A. "Save a tree. Eat a beaver."
Q. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders
lllll
A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said,
"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I’m gonna fuck ya anyway
>
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Don't ya wish you could pull off something like this and get away with it?? Trust me I had a few patients in my life that I would have loved to do this to lol.
THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Sex Change & Short Changed
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.
After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they... Cut my salary in half!"