An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
’Twenty dollars,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They’re going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.
’What’s going on here, people?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m making love to me wife,’ the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
’Oh, I’m so sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’
’Well, needer did I,’ says Paddy, ’til ya shoined dat bloody light in her face!!!
Mar 29, 2010
I would have gotten out
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here
at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here
at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
CLEVER THINGS TO SAY
The Top 10 Clever Things To Say To Convince Your Lover To Go Down On You
~*~ "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury
Creme Eggs that you like so much."
~*~ "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and
steamed clams?"
~*~ "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep
looking."
~*~ "So, twenty bucks then?"
~*~ "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's
mistletoe!"
~*~ "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to
Oprah."
~*~ "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
~*~ "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my*
wife! Can you imagine?!?"
~*~ "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
~*~ "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
Creme Eggs that you like so much."
~*~ "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and
steamed clams?"
~*~ "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep
looking."
~*~ "So, twenty bucks then?"
~*~ "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's
mistletoe!"
~*~ "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to
Oprah."
~*~ "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
~*~ "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my*
wife! Can you imagine?!?"
~*~ "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
~*~ "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
HEART TO HEART
Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom
on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother.
"It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my
pussy got real sore."
on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother.
"It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my
pussy got real sore."
88888
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which
he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and
streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on
that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that
here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people
won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35.
If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They
sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."
he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and
streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on
that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that
here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people
won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35.
If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They
sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."
Party Crashers
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.
Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.
The He smiled and said
-
-
-
"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".
Lessons Learned
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”
“It was great, Dad.”
“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.
“Oh yeah,” said the son.
“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.
The son answered: “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
“We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
“We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
“We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”
The boy’s father was speechless.
Then his son added, “Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.”
The Ripple
A man was sitting by a lake. He was throwing small pebbles into it from time to time. A young boy happened to cross by. He was intrigued to see that after every few minutes or so, the man would toss a pebble into the lake.
The boy went up to the man and said, "Good pastime, this stone throwing, he?" "Hmmm," said the man. He seemed to be deep in thought and obviously did not wish to be disturbed.
Sometime later, the man said softly, "Look at the water, it is absolutely still."
The boy said, "Yeah, it is."
The man tossed a pebble into the water and continued, "Only till I toss a pebble into it now do you see the ripples?"
"Yeah," said the boy, "they spread further and further."
"And soon, the water is still again," offered the man.
The boy said, "Sure, it becomes quiet, after a while."
The man continued, "What if we want to stop the ripples? The root cause of the ripples is the stone. Lets take the stone out. Go ahead and look for it." The boy put his hand into the water and tried to take the stone out.
But he only succeeded in making more ripples. He was able to take the stone out, but the number of ripples that were made in the process were a lot more than before.
The wise man said, "It is not possible to stop the movement of the water once a pebble has been thrown into it. But if we can stop ourselves from throwing the pebble in the first place, the ripples can be avoided altogether! So too, it is with our minds. If a thought enters into it, it creates ripples. The only way to save the mind from getting disturbed is to block and ban the entry of every superfluous thought that could be a potential cause for disturbance. If a disturbance has entered into the mind, it will take its own time to die down. Too many conflicting thoughts just cause more and more disturbances. Once the disturbance has been caused it takes time to ebb out. Even trying to forcibly remove the thought may further increase the turmoil in the mind. Time surely is a great healer, but prevention is always better than cure."
Before you allow a thought or a piece of information to enter your mind, put it through the triple filter test of authenticity, goodness and value.
The boy went up to the man and said, "Good pastime, this stone throwing, he?" "Hmmm," said the man. He seemed to be deep in thought and obviously did not wish to be disturbed.
Sometime later, the man said softly, "Look at the water, it is absolutely still."
The boy said, "Yeah, it is."
The man tossed a pebble into the water and continued, "Only till I toss a pebble into it now do you see the ripples?"
"Yeah," said the boy, "they spread further and further."
"And soon, the water is still again," offered the man.
The boy said, "Sure, it becomes quiet, after a while."
The man continued, "What if we want to stop the ripples? The root cause of the ripples is the stone. Lets take the stone out. Go ahead and look for it." The boy put his hand into the water and tried to take the stone out.
But he only succeeded in making more ripples. He was able to take the stone out, but the number of ripples that were made in the process were a lot more than before.
The wise man said, "It is not possible to stop the movement of the water once a pebble has been thrown into it. But if we can stop ourselves from throwing the pebble in the first place, the ripples can be avoided altogether! So too, it is with our minds. If a thought enters into it, it creates ripples. The only way to save the mind from getting disturbed is to block and ban the entry of every superfluous thought that could be a potential cause for disturbance. If a disturbance has entered into the mind, it will take its own time to die down. Too many conflicting thoughts just cause more and more disturbances. Once the disturbance has been caused it takes time to ebb out. Even trying to forcibly remove the thought may further increase the turmoil in the mind. Time surely is a great healer, but prevention is always better than cure."
Before you allow a thought or a piece of information to enter your mind, put it through the triple filter test of authenticity, goodness and value.
VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake,
Man! Are you listening?!?!)
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend
Behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart the next time you're making love.
Send send send send send................
P.S. (In case you are a blonde) this is a joke.