Mar 25, 2010
Oh Shit !!!
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"
Nasty Chit
Nasty Chit
A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading
The Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing
grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had
sex with yon sheep!"
Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."
Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See?
There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp.
That's her clit." 
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."
Cool Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Oh no!!!
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.
Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"
Not to be denied, the ho#NY husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down-stairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while"
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now"
Chicken story
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all. Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ..."I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said:
"What a coincidence" !! ???
Blood Business
A Lalloobhai Bihari needed a heart transplant.
A lots of blood was required in case of emergency need of his rare type of blood. This blood was nowhere to be found.
Finally, a Makhichus Marwari with matching blood came forward from Marwar, for this price-less gift to others and next life punya merit it brought for free, to Patna for this free trip at Bihari's expense.
Surgery was accomplished with success. Bihari sent a thank you note, a beautiful car, a diamond ring, and tons of political money to the Marwari for his sense of philanthropy.
Soon in a few months need to attend to Bihari's heart again became necessary.
Marwari was called upon from Rajasthan to Jharkhand at his own expense.
He came flying, stayed like king, gave the blood again and left.
Bihari was cured, sent a simple "Thank you and may God bless you" note.
Marwari was furious
Came running on his feet from one end of the country to the other, loosing half his weight, for his just reward in this life, demanded an explanation why it was such a miserly sense of gratitude from this world famous filthy rich political Bihari now.
Bihari calmly explained, "Ha Bhaia, what I do? I now have Marwari blood in me, remember, you are the one who gave it to me?"
A lots of blood was required in case of emergency need of his rare type of blood. This blood was nowhere to be found.
Finally, a Makhichus Marwari with matching blood came forward from Marwar, for this price-less gift to others and next life punya merit it brought for free, to Patna for this free trip at Bihari's expense.
Surgery was accomplished with success. Bihari sent a thank you note, a beautiful car, a diamond ring, and tons of political money to the Marwari for his sense of philanthropy.
Soon in a few months need to attend to Bihari's heart again became necessary.
Marwari was called upon from Rajasthan to Jharkhand at his own expense.
He came flying, stayed like king, gave the blood again and left.
Bihari was cured, sent a simple "Thank you and may God bless you" note.
Marwari was furious
Came running on his feet from one end of the country to the other, loosing half his weight, for his just reward in this life, demanded an explanation why it was such a miserly sense of gratitude from this world famous filthy rich political Bihari now.
Bihari calmly explained, "Ha Bhaia, what I do? I now have Marwari blood in me, remember, you are the one who gave it to me?"
Work Attitude
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire.
They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to Shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house" he said, "my gift to you."
The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.
You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a Wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project" someone has said . Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!
They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to Shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house" he said, "my gift to you."
The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back.
You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a Wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project" someone has said . Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!
Perception
Women are chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
15 MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX:
1) BEING PASSIVE: Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a lil
bit: like making the first step. It won't hurt. One more thing, just cause
we are men it doesn't mean that we must do all the job.
2) WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS: It takes time to take off these kinda
clothes. Every second counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got,
the more rounds you got. And the more rounds you got, the more you are
satisfied. Be smart.
3) GOING DOWN HALFWAY: Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly
button or around it. Keep going or just don't go below the neck at all.
4) CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN TOO HARD: Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you
think. No man has a leather Dick. You got to be smooth with the Dick.
Pulling it too hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts us even though we
don't tell you.
5) LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH: It's just the same as a dog licking a bitch's ass.
6) MOANING LIKE A RUNNER WHO NEEDS AIR: Better moan with style girl cause men
love to make fun of girls who can't moan like movies stars (Halle Berry,
Whitney Houston). Try not to make to much noise when you exhale.
7) SCRATCHING HIS BACK: We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel
good at all!! Depends on the length of the nails, and how deep you dig the
nail in our backs, they leave permanent marks. So keep your nails in your
pockets, please. If you feel the need to scratch a brother's back, either
grip the hell out of the sheets, or the headboard.
8) LETTING YOUR LONG HAIR FALL ON HIS FACE: Men need air: they breathe. So
please be intelligent a little bit. Don't just think about yourself :-)
9) JUMPING ON HIS HIPS 2 HARD: A man is not a horse so please take it easy
unless you got a big booty that can take care of the landing.
10) SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM: What are you, crazy??. Do you want us to
get caught by parents? Or you just love to see us jumping through the window
butt naked.
11) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN: Everyone know that fish is the smell. But we don't
have to be smelling it when you take your drawls off. Please warn us if you
haven't freshened up. And nobody want to suck on no salty dirty titties.
Ladies, men aren't the only ones who sweat you know. And we sure don't want
you smelling like you work at a fish market either. Make sure your ass is
clean!! No man wants to eat off of a dirty plate.
12) NICE FEET: Make sure your feet are in check Every man has a certain turn
on, everything on a woman must be perfect, that's how we like it and love it.
Do not, I repeat do not!!! get in bed with us with your feet looking like
you've been walking barefoot on toxic waste. You know what I'm talking
about, nail polish coming off halfway, smelly like hell, uneven toenails,
soles are ashy as hell feeling like sandpaper, it's hard to perform good
foreplay when you have hammertime, and worst of all, don't even think about
asking us to suck your toes if they look like they been beaten with a
sledgehammer (ugly). We're not to fond of unpolished toes either. We like
them soft, smooth, pretty, and most of all tasty looking.
13) GIVING HEAD: Some women have a very bad habit of using their teeth. That
is not a banana. It's a hell of a difference between a Dick and a banana.
14) AFTER SEX: BROADCASTING: Don't go bragging to your girlfriends that you so
called got us "whipped" or "sprung". It's not cool at all, especially when
his homies are around.
15) KEEP IT REAL: When you're at the point of a breakup in a relationship,
don't wait until then to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn
well we had you climbing walls & walking on air.
bit: like making the first step. It won't hurt. One more thing, just cause
we are men it doesn't mean that we must do all the job.
2) WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS: It takes time to take off these kinda
clothes. Every second counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got,
the more rounds you got. And the more rounds you got, the more you are
satisfied. Be smart.
3) GOING DOWN HALFWAY: Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly
button or around it. Keep going or just don't go below the neck at all.
4) CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN TOO HARD: Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you
think. No man has a leather Dick. You got to be smooth with the Dick.
Pulling it too hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts us even though we
don't tell you.
5) LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH: It's just the same as a dog licking a bitch's ass.
6) MOANING LIKE A RUNNER WHO NEEDS AIR: Better moan with style girl cause men
love to make fun of girls who can't moan like movies stars (Halle Berry,
Whitney Houston). Try not to make to much noise when you exhale.
7) SCRATCHING HIS BACK: We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel
good at all!! Depends on the length of the nails, and how deep you dig the
nail in our backs, they leave permanent marks. So keep your nails in your
pockets, please. If you feel the need to scratch a brother's back, either
grip the hell out of the sheets, or the headboard.
8) LETTING YOUR LONG HAIR FALL ON HIS FACE: Men need air: they breathe. So
please be intelligent a little bit. Don't just think about yourself :-)
9) JUMPING ON HIS HIPS 2 HARD: A man is not a horse so please take it easy
unless you got a big booty that can take care of the landing.
10) SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM: What are you, crazy??. Do you want us to
get caught by parents? Or you just love to see us jumping through the window
butt naked.
11) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN: Everyone know that fish is the smell. But we don't
have to be smelling it when you take your drawls off. Please warn us if you
haven't freshened up. And nobody want to suck on no salty dirty titties.
Ladies, men aren't the only ones who sweat you know. And we sure don't want
you smelling like you work at a fish market either. Make sure your ass is
clean!! No man wants to eat off of a dirty plate.
12) NICE FEET: Make sure your feet are in check Every man has a certain turn
on, everything on a woman must be perfect, that's how we like it and love it.
Do not, I repeat do not!!! get in bed with us with your feet looking like
you've been walking barefoot on toxic waste. You know what I'm talking
about, nail polish coming off halfway, smelly like hell, uneven toenails,
soles are ashy as hell feeling like sandpaper, it's hard to perform good
foreplay when you have hammertime, and worst of all, don't even think about
asking us to suck your toes if they look like they been beaten with a
sledgehammer (ugly). We're not to fond of unpolished toes either. We like
them soft, smooth, pretty, and most of all tasty looking.
13) GIVING HEAD: Some women have a very bad habit of using their teeth. That
is not a banana. It's a hell of a difference between a Dick and a banana.
14) AFTER SEX: BROADCASTING: Don't go bragging to your girlfriends that you so
called got us "whipped" or "sprung". It's not cool at all, especially when
his homies are around.
15) KEEP IT REAL: When you're at the point of a breakup in a relationship,
don't wait until then to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn
well we had you climbing walls & walking on air.
A Few Jokes Today
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
Police Officer............
You got to love this Police Officer! |
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
Bronco Machine
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
"I can do that!" Ed said confidently. "No you can't," said Ted. "I sure as hell can!" said Ed. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted. Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago," Ed said. "When my wife had whooping cough...?"
I thought it was funny....
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband
was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
-------------------------------------------------------
The local game warden had arrested a man for killing and eating an enangered Egret. The man pleaded his case before a judge. "I was just trying to feed my hungry family. I've never done anything like that before."
"I understand. I'm a family man myself. And since you were only trying to feed your family and it was your first and only offense, I'm going to let you go."
"Thank you, Your Honor."
"But before you go, I want to ask you a question. What does Egret meat taste like?"
"Well your Honor, it's not as tender as Spotted Owl, but it's much better than Bald Eagle."
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband
was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
-------------------------------------------------------
The local game warden had arrested a man for killing and eating an enangered Egret. The man pleaded his case before a judge. "I was just trying to feed my hungry family. I've never done anything like that before."
"I understand. I'm a family man myself. And since you were only trying to feed your family and it was your first and only offense, I'm going to let you go."
"Thank you, Your Honor."
"But before you go, I want to ask you a question. What does Egret meat taste like?"
"Well your Honor, it's not as tender as Spotted Owl, but it's much better than Bald Eagle."
Dog Barking
My dog had suddenly developed a bad habit of loud barking about 4 o'clock in the morning. He was disturbing the entire neighborhood, and several people had complained.
One morning he started howling, and when I looked out the window - I saw that someone was throwing something at him. I quietly went out the back door and snuck around to the front to catch the culprit. To my surprise, I found my next-door neighbor throwing rocks into my yard, and just missing the dog. Of course, I demanded an explanation.
"I'm not trying to hit your dog," he explained. "My mother-in-law has been visiting us for the last two weeks, and she says if she loses one more night of her beauty sleep...she'll leave!"
One morning he started howling, and when I looked out the window - I saw that someone was throwing something at him. I quietly went out the back door and snuck around to the front to catch the culprit. To my surprise, I found my next-door neighbor throwing rocks into my yard, and just missing the dog. Of course, I demanded an explanation.
"I'm not trying to hit your dog," he explained. "My mother-in-law has been visiting us for the last two weeks, and she says if she loses one more night of her beauty sleep...she'll leave!"
Fox FM Australia - OMG!!!
after you stop laughing send this to your friends.
>
>
>
> This got the whole of Sydney, Australia laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
>
> Just imagine you're on your way to work and hear this. Many Sydney folks did
> hear it on the FOX-FM morning show in Sydney . The DJ's play a game where
> they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's
> call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with
> someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random
> yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name
> of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner
> answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The
> Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter. This is possibly the
> funniest thing you've heard yet.
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
>
> Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
>
> DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
> win. What is your name? First only please.'
>
> Contestant: 'Brian.'
>
> DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
>
> DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
>
> Brian: 'Sarah.'
>
> DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'
>
> Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
>
> DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
>
> Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
>
> DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
>
> Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
>
> DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
> if a trip wasn't at stake.'
>
> Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning!
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well..'
>
> DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
>
> Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
> couple of weeks..
>
> DJ: 'Uh huh..
>
> Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
>
> DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
> I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
> number and call her up. You listen to this.'
>
>
>
> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
>
>
>
> DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
>
> (Touchtones....ringing....)
>
> Clerk: ' Kinkos.'
>
> DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
>
> Clerk: 'This is she.'
>
> DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
>
> DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
> any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
> Match'?'
>
> Sarah: 'No.'
>
> DJ: 'Good!'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to....
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
>
> DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers,
>
>
>
> This got the whole of Sydney, Australia laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
>
> Just imagine you're on your way to work and hear this. Many Sydney folks did
> hear it on the FOX-FM morning show in Sydney . The DJ's play a game where
> they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's
> call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with
> someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random
> yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name
> of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner
> answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The
> Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter. This is possibly the
> funniest thing you've heard yet.
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
>
> Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
>
> DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
> win. What is your name? First only please.'
>
> Contestant: 'Brian.'
>
> DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
>
> DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
>
> Brian: 'Sarah.'
>
> DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'
>
> Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
>
> DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
>
> Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
>
> DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
>
> Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
>
> DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
> if a trip wasn't at stake.'
>
> Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
>
> DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning!
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well..'
>
> DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
>
> Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
> couple of weeks..
>
> DJ: 'Uh huh..
>
> Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
>
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
>
> Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
>
> DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
> I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work
> number and call her up. You listen to this.'
>
>
>
> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
>
>
>
> DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
>
> (Touchtones....ringing....)
>
> Clerk: ' Kinkos.'
>
> DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
>
> Clerk: 'This is she.'
>
> DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
>
> DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
> any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
> Match'?'
>
> Sarah: 'No.'
>
> DJ: 'Good!'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to....
>
> Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
>
> DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers,
then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
>
> DJ: 'What time?'
>
> Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
>
> Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
>
> DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
>
> DJ: 'What time?'
>
> Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
>
> DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
>
> Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
>
> DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
>
> Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
>
> Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
>
> DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Well...'
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: 'Up the arse ! .....'
>
>
>
> They had to call an ambulance for the DJ, he thought he was going to have a heart attack,
>
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
>
> DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
>
> Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
>
> Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
>
> DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
>
> Sarah: 'Well...'
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: 'Up the arse ! .....'
>
>
>
> They had to call an ambulance for the DJ, he thought he was going to have a heart attack,
he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call-out of the Sydney Police
just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
Great Idea
An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what could be the near perfect solution for airport security!
*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.*
*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*
*Case Closed!*
*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.*
*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*
*Case Closed!*
Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers - One
>
>
>
> Two engineering students were walking across a university
> campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
>
> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
> yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
> rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her
> clothes and said,
>
> "Take what you want."
>
> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice;
> the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Two
>
>
>
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> big as it needs to be.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Three
>
>
>
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning
> for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
> "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen
> minutes!"
>
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
> inept golf!"
>
> The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a
> word with him."
>
> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of
> us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
>
> The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
> firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
> fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
>
> The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
> so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
>
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
> ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can
> do for them."
>
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Four
>
>
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
> engineers?
>
> Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build
> targets.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Five
>
>
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it
> cost?"
>
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
> that?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Six
>
>
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
> who must have designed the human body.
>
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
> joints."
>
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
> system has many thousands of electrical connections."
>
> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil
> engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
> recreational area?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Seven
>
>
>
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
> enough features yet.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
>
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called
> out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
> beautiful princess."
>
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
>
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn
> back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
>
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
> returned it to the pocket.
>
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
> a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING
> you want."
>
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
> back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
> matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll
> stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
> you kiss me?"
>
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
> for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
>
>
>
> Two engineering students were walking across a university
> campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
>
> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
> yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
> rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her
> clothes and said,
>
> "Take what you want."
>
> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice;
> the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Two
>
>
>
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> big as it needs to be.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Three
>
>
>
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning
> for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
> "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen
> minutes!"
>
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
> inept golf!"
>
> The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a
> word with him."
>
> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of
> us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
>
> The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
> firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
> fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
>
> The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
> so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
>
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
> ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can
> do for them."
>
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Four
>
>
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
> engineers?
>
> Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build
> targets.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Five
>
>
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it
> cost?"
>
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
> that?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Six
>
>
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
> who must have designed the human body.
>
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
> joints."
>
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
> system has many thousands of electrical connections."
>
> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil
> engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
> recreational area?"
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Seven
>
>
>
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
> enough features yet.
>
>
>
> Understanding Engineers - Eight
>
>
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called
> out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
> beautiful princess."
>
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
>
> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn
> back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
>
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
> returned it to the pocket.
>
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
> a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING
> you want."
>
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
> back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
> matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll
> stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
> you kiss me?"
>
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
> for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE GIRLS "SLOGANS MAYBE??
> 1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
>
> 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
>
> 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
>
> 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
>
> 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
>
> 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
>
> 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
>
> 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
>
> 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
>
> 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
>
> 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
>
> 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
>
> 13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
>
> 14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
>
> 15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
>
> 16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
>
> 17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
>
> 18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
>
> 19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
>
> 20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
>
> 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
>
> 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
>
> 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
>
> 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
>
> 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
>
> 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
>
> 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
>
> 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
>
> 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
>
> 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
>
> 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
>
> 13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
>
> 14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
>
> 15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
>
> 16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
>
> 17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
>
> 18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
>
> 19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
>
> 20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Remember That Cute Little Coppertone Girl??
Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and throughout the 60's?
Well she's all grown up now, and lives near Lake Mead , Arizona
SCROLL DOWN
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
5 Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire
Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…
So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….
Technique #1 : Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
- Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
- With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
- Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
- Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
- Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
- Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
- Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
- Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.
- You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
- Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
- Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
- Add the light pile. Close the lid.
- Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
- Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
- Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.
- When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
- Every time.
I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.
Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification
This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
- Learn to cook a whole meal.
- When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
- While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
- While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
You don't have to thank me…no..really
Hormone Guide
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
| DANGEROUS | SAFER | SAFEST | ULTRA SAFE |
| What's for dinner? | Can I help you with dinner? | Where would you like to go for dinner? | Here, have some wine. |
| Are you wearing that? | You sure look good in brown! | WOW! Look at you! | Here, have some wine |
| What are you so worked up about? | Could we be overreacting? | Here's my paycheck. | Here, have some wine. |
| Should you be eating that? | You know, there are a lot of apples left. | Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? | Here, have some wine. |
| What did you DO all day? | I hope you didn't over-do it today. | I've always loved you in that robe! | Here, have some wine. |
Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and:
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Forward this information to all of your friends and those who might need a good laugh... and men who need a warning.
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and:
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Forward this information to all of your friends and those who might need a good laugh... and men who need a warning.
And, have some wine.
Solution to Your Aches !!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike ….
'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind
of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart..
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2.
Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp*rm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart..
A Funny.....Wrong Number.....lol
48277)
My brother dropped off his wife at the hair stylist for a new
hairdo. However, he was unable to pick her up, so he had arranged
ahead of time for me to do it, and she was supposed to call me
when she was ready to be picked up.
However, when the time came, she must have dialed a wrong
number, she reported later, as she received an unexpected
response.
When she called, a man answered and said, "Hello."
She cheerfully replied, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."