An elderly man was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
Mar 12, 2010
Two drunks
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go for a piss."
The other said, "I have to go, too. Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in there."
The first drunk guy says, "Ok."
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the face and knocks him to the floor.
The second drunk looks up and asks, "Why did you hit me?"
"If you'd told me you had to take a shit, I would have pulled down my pants!"
The other said, "I have to go, too. Tell you what, why don't you go for me while you're in there."
The first drunk guy says, "Ok."
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he punches the other drunk in the face and knocks him to the floor.
The second drunk looks up and asks, "Why did you hit me?"
"If you'd told me you had to take a shit, I would have pulled down my pants!"
Funny
My Times UP? A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Blow Up
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go relieve himself. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.
The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Jesus Christ! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?
The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Jesus Christ! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?
Strange Phobias
A phobia, is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. Here are 44 such phobias:
Ablutophobia - fear of bathing.
Acerophobia - fear of sourness.
Alliumphobia - fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia - fear of opinions.
Amathophobia - fear of dust.
Anglophobia - fear of England or English culture, etc.
Anthophobia - the fear of flowers.
Arachibutyrophobia- fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Aulophobia - fear of flutes.
Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquist'
anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Barophobia - fear of gravity.
Bolshephobia - fear of Bolsheviks.
Cacophobia - fear of ugliness.
Caligynephobia - fear of beautiful women.
Chorophobia - fear of dancing.
Cibophobia - fear of food itself.
Consecotaleophobia - fear of chopsticks.
Dikephobia - fear of justice.
Dutchphobia - fear of the Dutch.
Ephebiphobia - fear of teenagers.
Euphobia - fear of hearing good news.
Francophobia - fear of France or French culture.
Geniophobia - fear of chins.
Germanophobia - fear of Germany or German culture.
Hellenologophobia - fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Hexakosioihexekonta
Hippopotomonstroses
Japanophobia - fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- fear of Jews.
Lutraphobia - fear of otters.
Mnemophobia - fear of memories.
Mottephobia - fear of moths.
Nomophobia - fear of being out of mobile phone contact.
Odontophobia - fear of teeth.
Omphalophobia - fear of belly buttons.
Panophobia or Pantophobia - fear of everything.
Papaphobia - fear of the Pope.
Phagophobia - fear of swallowing
Spectrophobia - fear of mirrors.
Trichophobia - fear of loose hairs.
Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13.
Venustraphobia - fear of very beautiful and attractive women.
Vomitophobia - fear of vomiting.
Zemmiphobia - fear of the great mole rat.
Ablutophobia - fear of bathing.
Acerophobia - fear of sourness.
Alliumphobia - fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia - fear of opinions.
Amathophobia - fear of dust.
Anglophobia - fear of England or English culture, etc.
Anthophobia - the fear of flowers.
Arachibutyrophobia- fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Aulophobia - fear of flutes.
Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquist'
anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Barophobia - fear of gravity.
Bolshephobia - fear of Bolsheviks.
Cacophobia - fear of ugliness.
Caligynephobia - fear of beautiful women.
Chorophobia - fear of dancing.
Cibophobia - fear of food itself.
Consecotaleophobia - fear of chopsticks.
Dikephobia - fear of justice.
Dutchphobia - fear of the Dutch.
Ephebiphobia - fear of teenagers.
Euphobia - fear of hearing good news.
Francophobia - fear of France or French culture.
Geniophobia - fear of chins.
Germanophobia - fear of Germany or German culture.
Hellenologophobia - fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Hexakosioihexekonta
Hippopotomonstroses
Japanophobia - fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- fear of Jews.
Lutraphobia - fear of otters.
Mnemophobia - fear of memories.
Mottephobia - fear of moths.
Nomophobia - fear of being out of mobile phone contact.
Odontophobia - fear of teeth.
Omphalophobia - fear of belly buttons.
Panophobia or Pantophobia - fear of everything.
Papaphobia - fear of the Pope.
Phagophobia - fear of swallowing
Spectrophobia - fear of mirrors.
Trichophobia - fear of loose hairs.
Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13.
Venustraphobia - fear of very beautiful and attractive women.
Vomitophobia - fear of vomiting.
Zemmiphobia - fear of the great mole rat.
Discrimination
An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia . He finds cat food at special
prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat
food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could
let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets
to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen
cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat
but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have
dog food.
The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the
manager to put his hand in the bag..
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and
immediately pulls it out. He shouts, "What the hell! This is sh...t, you
Idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat
food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could
let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets
to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen
cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat
but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.
He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have
dog food.
The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the dog food.
The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the
manager to put his hand in the bag..
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and
immediately pulls it out. He shouts, "What the hell! This is sh...t, you
Idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"
Priceless!!
*A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.*
**
*When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.*
*The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.*
*Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the
flow away from their clothes. *
*As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed.*
*Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in
year four.'*
*'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.'*
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.*
**
*When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.*
*The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.*
*Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the
flow away from their clothes. *
*As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed.*
*Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in
year four.'*
*'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.'*
Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Tere Baap Ki Sarak Hai Kya
It is said that once Russi Mody was on an official trip to (the then) Bombay. Even though it was a Sunday morning, Russi had to visit Bombay House, the Corporate Head Quarters of the Tata Group. Russi was driving a Mercedes himself as it was a Sunday and there was very little traffic and also it was the chauffeur's day off. Russi was wearing simple shorts and a T shirt. Knowing that he would take just a few minutes to finish his work in Bombay House and that it was a non-working day in the business district with very low traffic, he decided to take liberties to park his Merc in an other-wise no parking zone. A conscientious traffic cop noticed all this and he immediately rushed to Russi who had started sauntering towards the Bombay House entrance. In a gruff voice the Pandu Havaldar asked Russi, "Kyun bhirru, baap kaa sarak samajh kay gaari rakha hai kya?" Russi very non-chalantly replied: "Haan kuchh aisa hi hai." "Aapko English parhna aata hai kya?" Then he gently held the Pandu's arm and walked him to the kerbside and pointed to the metal signage of the road. He asked the cop "Kya Likha Hai?" The cop said "Sir Homi Mody Street". A mischievously smiling Russi discloses, "Woh Mera Baap Tha". Russi was allowed to leave his car parked in the "No Parking" Zone that Sunday morning. |
If My Body Were A Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- lmost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! |
How It Should Be!!
1. When the Snake is alive, the Snake eats Ants.
When the Snake is dead, Ants eat the Snake.
Time can turn at any time.
Don't neglect anyone in your life........ ...
2. Never make the same mistake twice,
There are so many new ones,
Try a different one each day.
3. A good way to change someone's attitude is to change our own.
Because, the same sun melts butter and also hardens clay!
Life is as we think, so think beautifully.
4. Life is just like the sea, we are moving without end.
Nothing stays with us, What stays with us are just memories of some people who touched us as Waves.
5. Do you want to know how rich you are?
Never count your currency,
just try to Drop a Tear and count how many hands reach out to WIPE that - that is true richness.
6. Never change your originality for the sake of others.
No one can play your role better than you.
So be yourself, because whatever you are, YOU are the best.
7. A baby mosquito came back after flying the first time.
His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that’s what is called “Positive Attitude”
How men change
The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?
Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?
Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!
Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??
New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!
Pregnant Wife - good one!!!
A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. But accidently the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked what is the condition.
He died after what he heard.
*
*
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*
*
*
Guess What would be the reply ....
*
*
*
*
It is ...
*
*
*
*
7 are already out.
*
*
*
*
3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.
*
*
*
*
and .................................
*
*
*
*
*
*
The first one was a DUCK!!!
the silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."