THE GRACEFUL SEX

The grandmother was worried about yet virgin granddaughter
going out with boys, so she advised, "You know about those
damn boys, they go out with you, then he will try to kiss you,
you will of course like it, but don't let him get away."

Grandma continued, "But if he got away, then he is going to try feeling
your plump boobs, you are going to like it but don't let that sob get away."

Grandma pushed on, "Now if he got away, then he is going to lift your
skirt, move his hand on your thighs between the legs and damn you will love it
a lot, but don't let him get away."

Grandma took a deep long breath, and stressed "Now most important thing,
listen carefully he then will pull your clothes down and get on top of you,
you will enjoy it but don't let him get away that will disgrace our
family."

The young girl made a good mental note. She returned
late in the night with full of happiness and satisfaction."

Grandma inquired, "What happened?"


Young girl explained, "I did just what you said, when the SOB got on top of
my
nude body with that thing hanging between his legs, I flipped, turned him
over got on top of him and disgraced not ours, but his family."

Wine Maker

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

Idiot

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,



"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:

"An ID ten T error?


What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

**********

Top Ten highest individual scorers in ODI

India's SACHIN TENDULKAR became the first batsman to score a double century in one-day internationals. He achieved the feat in the second one-dayer against South Africa. Let's have a look at the top 10 highest run-getters in ODIs.

CHARLES COVENTRY of Zimbabwe holds the second spot for scoring 194 not out against Bangladesh on 16 August, 2009.

SAEED ANWAR of Pakistan holds the third spot for scoring 194 runs against India on 21 May, 1997.

VIV RICHARDS of West Indies holds the fourth spot for scoring 189 not out against England on 31 May 1984.

SANATH JAYASURIYA of Sri Lanka holds the fifth spot for scoring 189 runs against India on 29 October, 2000.

GARY KIRSTEN of South Africa holds the sixth spot for scoring 188 not out against U.A.E. on 16 February, 1996.

SACHIN TENDULKAR also holds the seventh spot for scoring 186 not out against New Zealand on 8 November, 1999.

MAHENDRA SINGH DHONI of India holds the eighth spot for scoring 183 not out against Sri Lanka on 31 October, 2005.

SOURAV GANGULY of India holds the ninth spot for scoring 183 runs against Sri Lanka on 26 May, 1999.

MATTHEW HAYDEN of Australia holds the tenth spot for scoring 181 not out against New Zealand on 20 February, 2007.

Cat listening to..!!!

Cat listening to LATA MANGESHKAR

Cat listening to SONU NIGAM

Cat listening to ANU MALIK

Cat listening to ANUP JALOTA

Cat listening to KUMAR SANU

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Cat listening to HIMESH RESHAMMIYA

School Jokes [Very Hilarious]

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O (H2O)!

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right... “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : “My Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

TOP 21 things a US returned Indian will do...

Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.
Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health consciousness.
Sprays deo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.
Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.
Says the following:
Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”
Says “Yogurt” instead of “Curd”
Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”
Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”
Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”
Says “Free Way” instead of “Highway”
Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”
Says “O” instead of “Zero” (for 704, says Seven O Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 50 times).
Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk packet.
When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats Zee several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X,Y, Zee.
Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says & Oh! British Style!!!
Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and **Indian Road** Conditions.
Even after 2 months, complaints about Jet Lag.
Avoids eating more chilli (hot) stuff.
Tries to drink Diet Coke instead of **Normal** Coke.
Tries to complain about everything in **India** as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule” and “module” as “mojule”.
Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to **India**, even after 4 months of arrival.
Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Tries to begin conversation with; “In US....” or “When I was in US...”

Year 3000

This are really wonderful animated GIFs which gives a preview of our future. In this highly technology dependant world, its very well possible that many of these devices may get innovated in the near future. Take a look at the below images:

How Guys select a Girl [Puzzle]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :)

10 most Stupid Questions and Funny Answers

Here are the 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations... Many of you might have already experienced few of these situations. Next time someone asks you these questions, you can answer them as given below: 1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends...Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here? Funny Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here. 2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt? Funny Answer: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again?

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people. Funny Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you? 4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiterStupid Question: Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good? Funny Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated stuff. We occassionaly also spit in it. 5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big. Funny Answer: Well, you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself. 6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good? Funny Answer: No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout... It’s just the money. 7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...Stupid Question: Sorry, were you sleeping? Funny Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron. 8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut? Funny Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding.... 9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth...Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts? Funny Answer: No it won’t. It will just bleed. 10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke. Funny Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle. It was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

Sucide Bomber

Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.

He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?

Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.

Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?

Boss: Wait for more.

Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?

Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.

Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

Free Beer

Banta owned a pub in the Ludhiana, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month.

Santa, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day.

"I'm not giving you another free beer!" Banta hollered, as he noticed Santa.

Santa was not without a plan, however. He approached Banta and offered him a deal.

"I've been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you."

Banta gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, Santa got up and headed for the door.

"All right," he shouted, "send them out - one at a time!"