10. The Aztecs drunk it
Chocolate was originally a cold drink whisked from cocoa beans by the Aztecs - and women were not allowed to drink it.
***************
9. It was more valuable than gold
When Cortes conquered the Aztecs in 1520, he found that cocoa beans were prized higher than gold.
***************
8. It was named in the 17th century
The word 'chocolate' was first recorded in English use in 1604.
***************
7. It helped found the British Museum
The British Museum owes its very existence to chocolate. It was based on the personal collection of Hans Soane, who invented milk chocolate.
***************
6. Chocolate bar an English invention
The bar of chocolate was invented by JS Fry and Sons of Bristol in 1847.
***************
5. Expensive egg
Last year's most expensive chocolate egg was encrusted with more than 100 diamonds and made for La Maison du Chocolat with a £50,000 prize tag.
***************
4. Royal approval
On New Year's Day 1900, Queen Victoria sent 100,000 boxes of chocolates as a personal gift to soldiers fighting in the Boer War.
***************
3. Brits can't get enough of it
The average person living in the UK - man, woman or child - spends over £1 a week on chocolate.
***************
2. The King loved it!
The last food Elvis Presley ate comprised four scoops of ice cream and six chocolate chip cookies.
***************
1. Egg-cellent selection
Woolworths is this year selling 170 varieties of chocolate Easter egg.
***************
Pages
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Feb 19, 2010
100 years ago
THE YEAR 1906??
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1906 :
*********
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
*********
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
*********
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
*********
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads.
*********
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
*********
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
*********
The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
*********
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
*********
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
*********
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
*********
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
*********
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
*********
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
*********
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
*********
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
*********
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason.
*********
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
*********
The American flag had 45 stars.
*********
The population ofLas Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!!
*********
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
*********
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
*********
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
*********
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
*********
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
*********
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
*********
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !
*********
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
It myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,& Canada
Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
*********
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH . ?
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1906 :
*********
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
*********
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
*********
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
*********
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads.
*********
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
*********
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
*********
The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
*********
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
*********
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
*********
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
*********
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
*********
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
*********
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
*********
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
*********
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
*********
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason.
*********
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
*********
The American flag had 45 stars.
*********
The population ofLas Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!!
*********
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
*********
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
*********
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
*********
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
*********
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
*********
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
*********
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !
*********
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
It myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,& Canada
Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
*********
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH . ?
A Nice Story about Love
I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.
Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.
Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.
It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....
Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!
Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... And just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you .
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.
Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.
It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....
Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!!
Perception
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from the trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad".
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yes", said the son. "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants to serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing ? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
*********
Appreciate every single thing you have.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from the trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad".
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yes", said the son. "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants to serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing ? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
*********
Appreciate every single thing you have.
THE POWER OF GIVING
It was a really hot summer’s day many years ago. I was on my way to pick up two items at the grocery store. In those days, I was a frequent visitor to the supermarket because there never seemed to be enough money for a whole week’s food-shopping at once.
You see, my young wife, after a tragic battle with cancer, had died just a few months earlier. There was no insurance -- just many expenses and a mountain of bills. I held a part-time job, which barely generated enough money to feed my two young children.
Things were bad -- really bad.
And so it was that day, with a heavy heart and four dollars in my pocket, I was on my way to the supermarket to purchase a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. The children were hungry and I had to get them something to eat. As I came to a red traffic light, I noticed on my right a young man, a young woman and a child on the grass next to the road. The blistering noonday sun beat down on them without mercy.
The man held up a cardboard sign which read, "Will Work for Food." The woman stood next to him. She just stared at the cars stopped at the red light. The child, probably about two years old, sat on the grass holding a one-armed doll. I noticed all this in the thirty seconds it took for the traffic light to change to green.
I wanted so desperately to give them a few dollars, but if I did that, there wouldn’t be enough left to buy the milk and bread. Four dollars will only go so far. As the light changed, I took one last glance at the three of them and sped off feeling both guilty (for not helping them) and sad (because I didn’t have enough money to share with them).
As 20I kept driving, I couldn’t get the picture of the three of them out of my mind. The sad, haunting eyes of the young man and his family stayed with me for about a mile. I could take it no longer. I felt their pain and had to do something about it. I turned around and drove back to where I had last seen them.
I pulled up close to them and handed the man two of my four dollars. There were tears in his eyes as he thanked me. I smiled and drove on to the supermarket. Perhaps both milk and bread would be on sale, I thought. And what if I only got milk alone, or just the bread? Well, it would have to do.
I pulled into the parking lot, still thinking about the whole incident,=2 0yet feeling good about what I had done. As I stepped out of the car, my foot slid on something on the pavement. There by my feet was a twenty-dollar bill. I just couldn’t believe it. I looked all around, picked it up with awe, went into the store and purchased not only bread and milk, but several other items I desperately needed.
I never forgot that incident. It reminded me that the universe was strange and mysterious. It confirmed my belief that you could never out give the universe. I gave away two dollars and got twenty in return. On my way back from the supermarket, I drove by the hungry family and shared five additional dollars with them.
This incident is only one of many that have 20occurred in my life. It seems that the more we give, the more we get. It is, perhaps, one of those universal laws that say, "If you want to receive, you must first give."
There is a little rhyme that goes like this:
"A man there was, and they called him mad,
The more he gave, the more he had."
Most times, we think that we don’t have anything to give. Yet, if we look more closely, we ’ll see that even the little we have could be shared with others. Let us not wait for a time when we think we’ll have lots and then we’ll give. By giving and sharing the little we have, we open up the storehouse of the universe and permit rivers of good to come our way.
Don’t take my word for it. Just honestly try to give and you’ll be surprised at the results. Generally, the returns do not come back from those we give to. It comes back from sources we could hardly imagine. So give your way to riches.
Take a chance on this universal principle. Take a chance on yourself. Universal principles always work.
Sometimes the return from giving happens very quickly as in the true story above. Other times, it takes much longer. But be assured of this: Give and you will receive -- and you’ll receive lots more than you ever gave.
And when you give, don’t do it with a heart of fear, but with a heart full of gratitude. You will be a mazed at how it all works out.
Open the gates of affluence in your life by giving a bit of what you have to those in need. As the great Teacher said, .Give and it will be given unto you..
Try it. You’ll like it.
You see, my young wife, after a tragic battle with cancer, had died just a few months earlier. There was no insurance -- just many expenses and a mountain of bills. I held a part-time job, which barely generated enough money to feed my two young children.
Things were bad -- really bad.
And so it was that day, with a heavy heart and four dollars in my pocket, I was on my way to the supermarket to purchase a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. The children were hungry and I had to get them something to eat. As I came to a red traffic light, I noticed on my right a young man, a young woman and a child on the grass next to the road. The blistering noonday sun beat down on them without mercy.
The man held up a cardboard sign which read, "Will Work for Food." The woman stood next to him. She just stared at the cars stopped at the red light. The child, probably about two years old, sat on the grass holding a one-armed doll. I noticed all this in the thirty seconds it took for the traffic light to change to green.
I wanted so desperately to give them a few dollars, but if I did that, there wouldn’t be enough left to buy the milk and bread. Four dollars will only go so far. As the light changed, I took one last glance at the three of them and sped off feeling both guilty (for not helping them) and sad (because I didn’t have enough money to share with them).
As 20I kept driving, I couldn’t get the picture of the three of them out of my mind. The sad, haunting eyes of the young man and his family stayed with me for about a mile. I could take it no longer. I felt their pain and had to do something about it. I turned around and drove back to where I had last seen them.
I pulled up close to them and handed the man two of my four dollars. There were tears in his eyes as he thanked me. I smiled and drove on to the supermarket. Perhaps both milk and bread would be on sale, I thought. And what if I only got milk alone, or just the bread? Well, it would have to do.
I pulled into the parking lot, still thinking about the whole incident,=2 0yet feeling good about what I had done. As I stepped out of the car, my foot slid on something on the pavement. There by my feet was a twenty-dollar bill. I just couldn’t believe it. I looked all around, picked it up with awe, went into the store and purchased not only bread and milk, but several other items I desperately needed.
I never forgot that incident. It reminded me that the universe was strange and mysterious. It confirmed my belief that you could never out give the universe. I gave away two dollars and got twenty in return. On my way back from the supermarket, I drove by the hungry family and shared five additional dollars with them.
This incident is only one of many that have 20occurred in my life. It seems that the more we give, the more we get. It is, perhaps, one of those universal laws that say, "If you want to receive, you must first give."
There is a little rhyme that goes like this:
"A man there was, and they called him mad,
The more he gave, the more he had."
Most times, we think that we don’t have anything to give. Yet, if we look more closely, we ’ll see that even the little we have could be shared with others. Let us not wait for a time when we think we’ll have lots and then we’ll give. By giving and sharing the little we have, we open up the storehouse of the universe and permit rivers of good to come our way.
Don’t take my word for it. Just honestly try to give and you’ll be surprised at the results. Generally, the returns do not come back from those we give to. It comes back from sources we could hardly imagine. So give your way to riches.
Take a chance on this universal principle. Take a chance on yourself. Universal principles always work.
Sometimes the return from giving happens very quickly as in the true story above. Other times, it takes much longer. But be assured of this: Give and you will receive -- and you’ll receive lots more than you ever gave.
And when you give, don’t do it with a heart of fear, but with a heart full of gratitude. You will be a mazed at how it all works out.
Open the gates of affluence in your life by giving a bit of what you have to those in need. As the great Teacher said, .Give and it will be given unto you..
Try it. You’ll like it.
CLASSIC DEFINITION
Cigarette
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce
Future tense of marriage
Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
Dictionary
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc...
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce
Future tense of marriage
Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
Dictionary
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc...
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Don't ever give up
Don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Rain becomes more enjoyable if it follows a sunny day
Food become more relishing if for days Hungary you stay
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Gold becomes beautiful ornament by molding and heating
Marble becomes beautiful status by carving and beating
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Pebble becomes smooth by constant rolling
Pencil becomes usable by sharpening
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Keep Smiling..... .....!
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Rain becomes more enjoyable if it follows a sunny day
Food become more relishing if for days Hungary you stay
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Gold becomes beautiful ornament by molding and heating
Marble becomes beautiful status by carving and beating
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Pebble becomes smooth by constant rolling
Pencil becomes usable by sharpening
So, don't ever give up
Failure and Success is in everyone's cup
Keep Smiling..... .....!
gift
A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
30 second Speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola)
"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some
five balls in the air. You name them - Work, Family, Health, Friends and
Spirit and you're keeping all of these in the Air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you
drop it, it will bounce back.
But the other four Balls - Family, Health, Friends and
Spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they
will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even
shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand
that and strive for it."
WORK EFFICIENTLY DURING OFFICE HOURS AND
LEAVE ON TIME. GIVE THE REQUIRED TIME TO YOUR FAMILY,
FRIENDS & HAVE PROPER REST.
``` Wife-Husband Jokes ```
Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hay ya aqalmandi..?
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay...
Husband: Malang baba, meri biwi bohot pareshan karti hai, Koi hal batao.
Malang: Beta, hal hota to mein malang kiu banta..?
Ek sahab dosray sahab se: Bhai ye khushiyan kiya hoti hen?
Dosray sahab: Pata nahi bhai, meri to kum umar me hi shadi ho gaii thi.
Wife: Main bazar ja rahi hoon, mujhe 50 Rupay ki zaroorrat hai!
Husband (ghusay se): Tumhen Rupay se ziada aqal ki zaroorat hai!
Wife: Aapse wohi cheez mangi hai, jo aap k pass mojood hai!
Wife aur Husband Mazaar se Nikle to aik Faqeer ne kaha: Shehzadi 5 rupey de de, Andha hoon.
Husband: De do, Tumhe Shehzadi kaha hai to zaroor andha ho ga.
An old man married a young Girl,
Someone asks the GiRL: Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl: Aik to inki INCOME or dosray in ke Din kam.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; After marriage: It is self-defense
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?
How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O G.
Yr 3. Aji, sunte ho?
Yr 4. Arey, O Bunty k pappa
And then...
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho k main aaon?
Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ??
Wife remains silent
Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ??
Wife : Abbe gin ne to De
Thappar Maarnay par NaraZ Wife se Husband bola:
Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai.
Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur
Boli Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
Whats the diff between Dava Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date
and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
Husband: You will never succeed in making that dog obey u!
Wife: Non-sense its only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi 1 Lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife nay pocha, Koun Thi Wo?
Husband:-Tum dimagh kharab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshan hun k woh bhi Yehi pochay gi.
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay...
Husband: Malang baba, meri biwi bohot pareshan karti hai, Koi hal batao.
Malang: Beta, hal hota to mein malang kiu banta..?
Ek sahab dosray sahab se: Bhai ye khushiyan kiya hoti hen?
Dosray sahab: Pata nahi bhai, meri to kum umar me hi shadi ho gaii thi.
Wife: Main bazar ja rahi hoon, mujhe 50 Rupay ki zaroorrat hai!
Husband (ghusay se): Tumhen Rupay se ziada aqal ki zaroorat hai!
Wife: Aapse wohi cheez mangi hai, jo aap k pass mojood hai!
Wife aur Husband Mazaar se Nikle to aik Faqeer ne kaha: Shehzadi 5 rupey de de, Andha hoon.
Husband: De do, Tumhe Shehzadi kaha hai to zaroor andha ho ga.
An old man married a young Girl,
Someone asks the GiRL: Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl: Aik to inki INCOME or dosray in ke Din kam.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; After marriage: It is self-defense
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?
How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O G.
Yr 3. Aji, sunte ho?
Yr 4. Arey, O Bunty k pappa
And then...
Yr 5. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 6. Tum aate ho k main aaon?
Husband 2 Wife : Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ??
Wife remains silent
Husband : Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ??
Wife : Abbe gin ne to De
Thappar Maarnay par NaraZ Wife se Husband bola:
Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai.
Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur
Boli Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!
Whats the diff between Dava Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date
and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
Husband: You will never succeed in making that dog obey u!
Wife: Non-sense its only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi 1 Lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife nay pocha, Koun Thi Wo?
Husband:-Tum dimagh kharab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshan hun k woh bhi Yehi pochay gi.
The bowl
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"?
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"? "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.? "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.?
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."\
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"?
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"? "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.? "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.?
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."\
It's Appraisal Time !
On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the station.
At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around.
With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it.
There was blood all over the body which was lying face down.
It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age.
Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it.
With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer.
I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors.
Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!!
My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"...
As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand.
I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.
While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... Hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials.
This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second.
The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... It was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... Splash!!!
Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".
*********
At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around.
With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it.
There was blood all over the body which was lying face down.
It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age.
Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it.
With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer.
I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors.
Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!!
My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"...
As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand.
I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.
While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... Hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials.
This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second.
The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... It was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... Splash!!!
Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".
*********
Making Love To A Beautiful Woman
| MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous – like me – you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an’.. slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You’ve got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string ‘em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight – particularly if it’s a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of shot in your bag. |
Myths of IT..
After lots of meet ups with non-IT friends, relatives, strangers etc, you
will notice that the moment you say that you are an IT guy, they have
already made some assumptions about you.
will notice that the moment you say that you are an IT guy, they have
already made some assumptions about you.
Myth #1: If you haven't been onsite ...u are a loser
Uncle: "Tum 3 saal se IT company mein kaam kar rahe ho na?"
Me: "Haan uncle ......bas ....."
Uncle: "Tum videsh nahi gaye?"
Me: "Nahi uncle project mein requirement nahi hai onsite kaa"
Uncle: "Lekin woh deepak ko toh maanna padegaa.... vo chote sheher se hai.....bade college se nahi hai ...fir bhi usne jamke mehnat ki aur usse company ne USA bheja!"Aaaha! thats the problem. People think that the smarty pants are sent on
site while the loser ones are the people left behind in India. So the
assumption is that if you haven't been on site then you don't work hard nor
you have any sincerity and... ok that's enough for now.
Myth #2:If you are not in the biggies..u are a loser
Auntyji: "Beta, kaunsa company?"... ..."Kabhi suna nahi"....."Kaha hai ye?"
Auntyji: "Tumko Info*** mein nahi mila kya?" (in short: "tum second grade gadha lagte ho")Then I have to make efforts to tell them how I actually work in a much
niche technology. In case the opposite person is technologically sane then
I give him some product development 'funda' (arrogance).
Myth #3: You can fix any computer..and calculator and may be clocks too
Most of the computer engineers around must have at least once gone to a
friend's place only to fix his /her comp. The task can be from installing a
software (next..next. . finish) to fixing a computer which gives electric
shocks when its metal areas are touched.
Myth #4: You have lots of money
Once I met up with my friends from school ...from various fields. I just
mentioned that it is such a pain to go to office nowadays and said that I
wanted to buy a car.
Friend1: "what problem do u have man .. u are an IT waala"
Friend2: "Tu toh Honda CRV le saktaa hai"
Me: "CRV!! aabey CRV kyaa mere pass VCR lene ka paisa nahi hai"Even after 5 minutes of convincing them weren't getting convinced.
Myth #5: Coding means sitting in front of the computer During my college days , my classmate had an encounter with a guy from mechanical dept:
Mech guy: "Your Computer engineering is a big nautanki.... four years You learn the same grey dabba... and all you ppl do is sit nicely in front Of that dabba and punch the keys"Well I don't completely disagree
Myth #6:
One more thing which oldies say : " Now you work in such a big company ,
you are settled , you should marry now !! " OMG this salary is not enough
for one poor soul.. how to handle two ???
Myth #7:
In Diwali...u get questions like......"Are you gonna get a bonus this
Diwali.....? ?" And when we reply in the negative.... .they seem so
surprised... !!!!!!!
Myth #8: A common issue that I have seen:
When I tell anybody that I work with C**, many times I get a reply "My
son/daughter/ relative Mr/Ms XXX also works with C**. You must be knowing
him/her" and if I answer in the negative, they feel disappointed (they
think.....may b nobody wants to knows me).How to explain to them that there are around thousands of employees in my
company, and I cannot know everybody in my ODC, forget about knowing
everybody in the company. L LoLzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ....
Add ons:
#How many times do you face this question
"What does your company make...???"Very logical question but.....How do you answer this one?
Genies
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf......
Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your l
ousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch
asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And
now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to
own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie
said. 'And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?' 'Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She
mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd
do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying
each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she
responded breathlessly.
' NO SHIT ,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?'
Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your l
ousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch
asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And
now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to
own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie
said. 'And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?' 'Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She
mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd
do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying
each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she
responded breathlessly.
' NO SHIT ,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?'
BOLLYWOOD STARS IN CALL CENTRES
Ever imagined how it would be when we see Bollywood stars in BPO industry, taking calls of the customers. We dont feel pity for bollywood, but what will happen to customers. God! save them…
Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care. Rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hain filhaal ek customer care agent hain.
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.
Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.
Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha.
uske baad, uske baad mere bhai, Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.
Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg. .
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aa raha hoon maa.
Customer: I am unable to use your product, its waste and worthless.
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon pee jaaonga.
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne mat naachna
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai.
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh, seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna, haaaaaaaaa!! !
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain mil jayegi. Hum angrezon ke zamaane ke agent hain..haahhaaa
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye.
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko, tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon. Police mien report likha..
Shakti: AAAuuuuuu… mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyara sa agent hooon..
Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank you ji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to dyeva hai…
Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling. Tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear, Agar hum tumhe hamara manager de denge to hamein manage kaun karega.
Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA ….Jo dargaya wo maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suaar Ke baccho, sirf $10.00, dhikkaar hai
Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
Rajkumar : Jaani, Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena, manager humko dara sake manager mein itna dum nahi, humse hai manager, manager se hum nahi.
Lastly…
Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkk (Stuck at K)
Customer hung up the phone…
Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care. Rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hain filhaal ek customer care agent hain.
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.
Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.
Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha.
uske baad, uske baad mere bhai, Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.
Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg. .
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aa raha hoon maa.
Customer: I am unable to use your product, its waste and worthless.
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon pee jaaonga.
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne mat naachna
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai.
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh, seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna, haaaaaaaaa!! !
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain mil jayegi. Hum angrezon ke zamaane ke agent hain..haahhaaa
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye.
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko, tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon. Police mien report likha..
Shakti: AAAuuuuuu… mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyara sa agent hooon..
Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank you ji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to dyeva hai…
Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling. Tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear, Agar hum tumhe hamara manager de denge to hamein manage kaun karega.
Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA ….Jo dargaya wo maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suaar Ke baccho, sirf $10.00, dhikkaar hai
Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
Rajkumar : Jaani, Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena, manager humko dara sake manager mein itna dum nahi, humse hai manager, manager se hum nahi.
Lastly…
Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkk (Stuck at K)
Customer hung up the phone…
Can You Hear Me?
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you." Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you." The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question." So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?" To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here" |
Dear Sis Dolly
Dear Sis Dolly
I am a gentleman in his late 60s. I am married with 5 wives and have 20 kids.
I am a gentleman in his late 60s. I am married with 5 wives and have 20 kids.
The latest baby is from a relationship with a 39 year old whom I am not married to.
I have just married my latest wife and engaged to another.
Now I am not sure if I should marry the 39 year old. She is the child of my friend and I don’t want to cause a rift between me and my friend. Please help.
Anonymous. Enkandla.”
Anonymous. Enkandla.”
Best Dirty Jokes ( Part 15)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies� The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn�t handle it anymore so they buried her.
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Best Dirty Jokes ( Part 14)
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead; Buick for sale"
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."
Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We�ll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5.per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She' says "Okay... Fred's dead; Buick for sale"
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!
Best Dirty Jokes ( Part 13)
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.
This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"
The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"