Emergency Landing

Rajiv and Priya are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,” Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, “Priya, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?”

“No, sweetheart” she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Priya, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.
“One last thing, Priya. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,” begged Priya. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Priya pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
“Rajiv answers, “They’ll find us!”

Sunday Morning 11 Am

 This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
Just when the Clock struck 11…
And then……
then…..
then……..

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

A for Apple

Banta class mein - madam maine “abc” yaad karli..
Madam -ok , to sunao..
Banta - abcdefghijklemnopqrstuvwxyz…..
Madam - arey aise nahi ….aise suna A for apple
Banta - ok madam…. A for apple.

B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaani hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X’mas mei bhii Hi! khana padenge apple
Y for yun na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaraasa aur khaalo apple aur………..

Dead Man Don't Bleed

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.
“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, I do,” Banta replied.
“Very well, then,” the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”

Winning A Noble Prize

 A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, “Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing ?” Santa replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are outstanding in their field.

Up in the sky all day

 Fifteen minutes into the flight from delhi to kolkata, the captain announced, ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, one more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry. We can fly just fine on two engines.

An hour later the captain announced, one more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry. We still have one engine left.
A young sardar passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, if we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!

Santa Hanged to Death

Santa and banta singh were both in a mental hospital

. Once they were walking past a swimming pool, santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled santa out.


When the medical director became aware of banta’s heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell banta the news he said, “Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
Save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Then banta replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

See The Balancing

 Ek baar ek kavi sammelan chal raha tha. Bhaut se kavi bore kar rahe they. Ek sardar se jab nahi raha gaya toh woh khud stage par aaya aur bola ab suniye.
Ek kutta… Loge bole wah wah
Sardar phir bola Ek kutta, kutte ke uper kutta

Log phir bole wah wah wah
Sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kuttey,
Unkey oper 3 kutte, Ab log silent ho gaye thodi der baad ek aur sardar bole wah wah
Manch wala sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kute, unke oper 3 kutte, unkey oper 4 kutte
Audience sardar pareshan hokar bola, bhai ye kaun sa sher hua? Manch wala sarda bola, abe tu sher mat sun tu balancing ko dekh….

Entarance Exam

 Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
Antibody - Against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - Back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - A district in Rome.
Cardiology - Advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - Neck of a crow.
Coma - Punctuation mark.
Cortisone - Area around local court.
Cyst - Short for sister.
Diagnosis - Person with slanted nose.
Dilate - The late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - In this place.
Duodenum - Couple in blue jeans.

Enema - Not a friend.
Fake labour - Pretending to work.
Genes - Blue denim.
Hernia - She is close by.
Impotent - Distinguished/well known.
Labor pain - Hurt at work.
Lactose - People without toes.
Lymph - Walk unsteadily.
Microbes - Small dressing gown.
Obesity - City of Obe.
Pacemaker - Winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - In favor of teens.
Pulse - Grain.
Pus - Small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - Hiding anything.
Tablet - Small table.
Ultrasound - Radical noise

Befooled

 Once Banta went to Bombay. While passing through a road he saw a very high building.
He was amazed to see it, and decided to count its stories. As he was doing so a townsman saw him and tried to befool him.
So he approached Banta and asked, “What are you doing?”

When he told the answer, the townsman said that one had to pay two rupees for every storey counted.
“How many have you counted?”

Banta said ten and gave the man twenty rupees. Walking away Banta was very happy to think how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty

On the befalf of Your Friend

Subedar Santa and Subedar Banta were in the same regiment in the British Indian Army, they were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together.
The partition separated them as Subedar Santa passed away in a war. To keep his friend
’s memory alive, Subedar Banta always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately!

When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: “This glass is Santa’s & this one is mine. So I take a sip from each, One on behalf of santa, the other for myself.”
Suddenly one evening Banta was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what happened.
He replied, “You see, I have given up drinking but Santa’s not. So I’ve put away my glass and am drink only on behalf of my friend.”

An old soldier

An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, Toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we have had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we have jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch, "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you'd be 82 years old!".....

The Midget

A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later, there was a loud scream.

The madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room.

Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, totally nude, with a three foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.

The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, "Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We've never seen anything like that before."

The midget sighed, "Okay honey, but only touching. No sucking - I used to be six feet tall.".....

Banta Wants To Die

Banta went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off.
“How did this happen?” the doctor asked.
“Well I was trying to commit suicide,” Banta replied.

The doctor asked, “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”
“No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.“