GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'
The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and GOD gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!'
The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'
The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
Finally,
GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'
That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:
MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!
Jan 15, 2010
January 15th Stolen Jokes
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
Advice
5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire and YOU happy till dawn!
From a good American friend of mine who states this really does work!
Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the most sexiest things I can think of... and I have quite the imagination!!
So. Are you ready? Are you a real man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on....
Technique #1 : Wet Hands (One of the best)
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women of today who were recently polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her almost breathless.
Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you. With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet. Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth Across the surface of it.. over and over again. Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys... It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle, but you being a big strong man, I know you can do it.. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to. Plug it in and push ALL the right buttons. * Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot. Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results (I hear they are graded from A to G so keep it mind as you work away and head for that G spot!).
Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o. k. until the end.
You will need two piles... no I did not say poles, I said piles. Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other. Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative... use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
Add the light pile. Close the lid. Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish. Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water. Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing.. that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as the quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this one. When you put the toilet seat up.... put it back down... Every time.
I know... I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation.
Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible... it definitely saves the best for last.
You don't have to thank me... no.. really. Good luck all you blokes out there.
5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire and YOU happy till dawn!
From a good American friend of mine who states this really does work!
Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the most sexiest things I can think of... and I have quite the imagination!!
So. Are you ready? Are you a real man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on....
Technique #1 : Wet Hands (One of the best)
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women of today who were recently polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her almost breathless.
Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you. With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet. Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth Across the surface of it.. over and over again. Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys... It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle, but you being a big strong man, I know you can do it.. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to. Plug it in and push ALL the right buttons. * Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot. Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results (I hear they are graded from A to G so keep it mind as you work away and head for that G spot!).
Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o. k. until the end.
You will need two piles... no I did not say poles, I said piles. Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other. Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative... use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
Add the light pile. Close the lid. Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish. Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water. Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing.. that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as the quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this one. When you put the toilet seat up.... put it back down... Every time.
I know... I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation.
Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible... it definitely saves the best for last.
You don't have to thank me... no.. really. Good luck all you blokes out there.
Whiskey
A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. It's kinda' busy, so the bartender comes by and ask "What can I get for you?"
The patron replies, "Whiskey!"
The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. He slams down the shot and puts the glass down. The bartender comes back and says, "That'll be $4.25."
"Oh NO!" replies the man. "You ask me what I wanted, I told you and you GAVE it to me. You said nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers.
"He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances!"
Furious, the bartender says, "Get the hell outta' my bar!!" He leaves and the bartender takes the glass off the bar. As he turns back around to wipe off the counter, he is amazed to see this guy back at the bar. "I thought I just told you to get outta' here!!"
"Oh no, it couldn't have been me."
The bartender leans back, crosses his arms and says, "Oh REALLY! Then you must have a double!!"
"Thanks," says the guy, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out, doc, and I'm really "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are red -- just like he said. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied. "We don't want kids til after we been hitched a year."
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" the doctor inquired.
"Strawberry," she answered.
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"
"Nonsense," the doctor said".
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted."????? ?"This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? " The man seemed a bit ashamed . "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently."It's Rust
Dottie Lee
A guy walks into a pub and grabs a seat at the bar. It's kinda' busy, so the bartender comes by and ask "What can I get for you?"
The patron replies, "Whiskey!"
The bartender sets him up and keeps on working. He slams down the shot and puts the glass down. The bartender comes back and says, "That'll be $4.25."
"Oh NO!" replies the man. "You ask me what I wanted, I told you and you GAVE it to me. You said nothing about cost!" The bartender steps back in surprise and looks down the bar at the other customers.
"He's right," explains one gentleman. "I'm a lawyer and he's got every right to refuse to pay under those circumstances!"
Furious, the bartender says, "Get the hell outta' my bar!!" He leaves and the bartender takes the glass off the bar. As he turns back around to wipe off the counter, he is amazed to see this guy back at the bar. "I thought I just told you to get outta' here!!"
"Oh no, it couldn't have been me."
The bartender leans back, crosses his arms and says, "Oh REALLY! Then you must have a double!!"
"Thanks," says the guy, "and give my lawyer friend one too!"
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out, doc, and I'm really "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are red -- just like he said. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied. "We don't want kids til after we been hitched a year."
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" the doctor inquired.
"Strawberry," she answered.
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"
"Nonsense," the doctor said".
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted."????? ?"This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? " The man seemed a bit ashamed . "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently."It's Rust
Dottie Lee
The Frog and Golf
A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, he?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."