Once upon a time, a man was passing through a jungle. He saw a monkey and was attracted to it.He called the monkey and to his surprise, the monkey came near him.
The man told the monkey that it was his ancestor and so they should cultivate friendship.With different kinds of gestures, he was able to establish friendship with it.
The man was just trying to kill time using the monkey as company while crossing the jungle.
Suddenly unexpectedly, a lion roared fiercely and pounced in front of them. They scarcely had time to escape. The monkey ran and the man followed suit. They found a very huge tree and soon climbed it. Though they were breathless, they did not stop until they climbed to a safe height.
The lion continued to prowl here and there, hoping to catch them when they climbed down. The lion was angry and hungry and awaiting his prey finally sat down under the tree.
The man was clinging to one of the strong branches, while the monkey was sitting on a branch with ease, as if nothing had happened.
After a prolonged wait, the lion lost patience and proposed to let one of them go scot-free if the other was offered to him as 'food'.
The man and the monkey consulted each other. They even offered to sacrifice their lives for each other, but ultimately concluded that they would live and die together.
The lion was disappointed, but not dissuaded. He continued his vigil. Nevertheless, the wait on the tree proved a testing time for both the monkey and the man.
They were feeling drowsy. They were both faced with the danger of falling down while dozing on the tree. Ultimately they decided to take turns to sleep.
The monkey would sit wide-awake while the man slept and the man would keep vigil while the monkey had his share of sleep.
As decided, it was the man's turn to sleep first, while the monkey kept guard. The monkey slept in the other half of the night, while the man held fort.
When the monkey was fast asleep, the man started contemplating. He thought that if he pushed away the sleeping monkey, the lion, as promised, would allow him to go scot-free.
Immediately, he translated his thoughts into action. The monkey was in deep slumber. The man pushed him down.
As the monkey was accustomed to such things, he immediately caught hold of the branches halfway and was back to his place in a moment.
Without uttering a single word, he went back to sleep as if nothing had happened. In the morning, the monkey led the man to safety. The lion was still on prowl under the tree.
When they reached at the safer place, the monkey made a special request to the man. "Please do not allege that monkeys are ancestors of mankind."
Conclusion:
Man without humanity is inferior to animals.
Never take some one for granted,Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones." Remember this always in life.
Feb 28, 2010
Kanjibhai's Golf partner
"This patient called Manishbhai is a friend and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
Kanjibhai then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered Manishbhai's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the Manishbhai.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."
Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
Kanjibhai then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered Manishbhai's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the Manishbhai.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."
Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
Missing Wife Joke
A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife (misty eyes)
Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing
Man: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..
Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man: I lost my wife (misty eyes)
Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Man: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Man: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Man: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was she wearing
Man: Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the man started crying…..
Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy's laws of flying
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.
2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Feb 27, 2010
PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
Especially for the Ladies !
PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ...
I love birds and
don't want one to run into a clean window
and get hurt.
I love birds and
don't want one to run into a clean window
and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible
( plus they may sue me.)
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible
( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company,
I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because .
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because .
I love all the seasons
and don't want the others to get jealous
I don't pull weeds
in the garden because ..
I don't want to get
in God's way,
HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because .
My husband
will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals
when I entertain because .
I don't want my guests to
stress out over what to make when
they invite me
over for dinner.
I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them
when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and
I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
REMEMBER . . . .
when I entertain because .
I don't want my guests to
stress out over what to make when
they invite me
over for dinner.
I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them
when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and
I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
REMEMBER . . . .
Worth ( Story )
Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.
"You can go," said the Lieutenant," but don't think it will be worth it.
Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."
"The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.
"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."
"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier.
"What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered,
"but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say....
"Jim...I knew you'd come."
*******
Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it.
Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........
*******
"You can go," said the Lieutenant," but don't think it will be worth it.
Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."
"The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.
"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."
"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier.
"What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered,
"but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say....
"Jim...I knew you'd come."
*******
Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it.
Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........
*******
Dad's Contribution
In a family scene of warm evening the two young daughters
were having a discussion about family resemblance.
The nine year old daughter claimed “I look like Mom," and after a pause
added "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six year old said, "And I look just like Dad but I have light hair."
Then she turned to the mom and asked, "Mom, what does Dad have
to do with us being born, anyway?"
The nine year old interrupted, "Don't be silly, Amy,
Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
were having a discussion about family resemblance.
The nine year old daughter claimed “I look like Mom," and after a pause
added "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six year old said, "And I look just like Dad but I have light hair."
Then she turned to the mom and asked, "Mom, what does Dad have
to do with us being born, anyway?"
The nine year old interrupted, "Don't be silly, Amy,
Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
HEALTHY TRAVEL
The little old lady got on bus and seated herself right behind the bus
driver. Every ten
minutes or so the lady would stare at the bus driver and ask with loud
anxiety, "Have we reached Niagara Falls yet, Son?"
"No, lady, not yet. I will let you know," he replied politely , every time
she asked but with rising excitation.
A few minutes later, she asked again "Are we there yet, son? Have we
reached Niagara Falls?" *
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally
the town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and
called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Niagara Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to New York, son," she explained sweetly. "It's
just that my daughter told me that when we come this far,
I should immediately take my Heart medicines or I may die you know."
driver. Every ten
minutes or so the lady would stare at the bus driver and ask with loud
anxiety, "Have we reached Niagara Falls yet, Son?"
"No, lady, not yet. I will let you know," he replied politely , every time
she asked but with rising excitation.
A few minutes later, she asked again "Are we there yet, son? Have we
reached Niagara Falls?" *
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Niagara Falls, and finally
the town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and
called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Niagara Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to New York, son," she explained sweetly. "It's
just that my daughter told me that when we come this far,
I should immediately take my Heart medicines or I may die you know."
JESUS IN THE BATHROOM
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'" Sue Divine "Even Kings and Emperors with heaps of wealth and vast dominion cannot compare with an ant filled with the love of God."
THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVE
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in
return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel.
Maybe we have to meet a few wrong people before
meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will
know how to be grateful for that gift.
Love is when you take away the feeling, the
passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that
person.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and you just have to let go.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens
but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on
a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it
was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until
we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until
it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to
grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be sure it grew in yours.
There are things you'd love to hear that you would
never hear from the person whom you would like to hear from, but don't be so
deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.
Never say good-bye if you still want to try, never
give up if you still feel you can go on, never say you don't love a person
anymore if you can't let go.
Love comes to those who still hope although
they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been
betrayed, need to love those who still love although they've been hurt before.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to
forget someone.
Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for
wealth, in the end it fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it
takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
There are moments in life when
you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and
hug them for real.
Dream what you want to dream, go
where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life
and one chance to all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to
make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you
human, enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy me gifts.
Always put yourself in other's
shoes. If you feel it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.
A careless word may kindle
strife, a cruel word may wreck a life, a timely word may level stress, a loving
word may heal and bless.
The beginning of love is to let
those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image
otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
The happiest of people don't
necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only
they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows
with a kiss and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of
your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were
crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you
die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Love is an unusual game. There
are either two winners or none.
If I could reinvent the alphabet, I would put U
and I together.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, it makes
the ride worthwhile.
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of
a bench when there's plenty of room at both ends.
The most important thing a father can do for his
children is to love their mother.
return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel.
Maybe we have to meet a few wrong people before
meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will
know how to be grateful for that gift.
Love is when you take away the feeling, the
passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that
person.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and you just have to let go.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens
but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on
a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it
was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until
we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until
it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to
grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be sure it grew in yours.
There are things you'd love to hear that you would
never hear from the person whom you would like to hear from, but don't be so
deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.
Never say good-bye if you still want to try, never
give up if you still feel you can go on, never say you don't love a person
anymore if you can't let go.
Love comes to those who still hope although
they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been
betrayed, need to love those who still love although they've been hurt before.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to
forget someone.
Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for
wealth, in the end it fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it
takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
There are moments in life when
you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and
hug them for real.
Dream what you want to dream, go
where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life
and one chance to all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to
make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you
human, enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy me gifts.
Always put yourself in other's
shoes. If you feel it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.
A careless word may kindle
strife, a cruel word may wreck a life, a timely word may level stress, a loving
word may heal and bless.
The beginning of love is to let
those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image
otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
The happiest of people don't
necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only
they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows
with a kiss and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of
your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were
crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you
die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Love is an unusual game. There
are either two winners or none.
If I could reinvent the alphabet, I would put U
and I together.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, it makes
the ride worthwhile.
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of
a bench when there's plenty of room at both ends.
The most important thing a father can do for his
children is to love their mother.
RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT!
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab .. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday... That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day... fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon
Yours and only yours
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab
Microsoft's 8 Worst mistakes.... Something interesting
Nothing in this world is said to be flawless. And in the same way, there is no person or company which has not made its own share of mistakes. Even the biggest of corporate giants have seen their own share of failures.
It's no different in the case of case of the software giant Microsoft. The world's largest software maker whose Windows operating system is present on almost world's 90% desktops, too has seen its share of failures.
The site Sherweb recently compiled a list of what it terms Microsoft's Worst Mistakes. Here's looking into when and where Microsoft went wrong
Internet Explorer 6
===================
Sherweb counts Internet Explorer too among Microsoft's mistakes. However, according to most other analysts it is IE6 which particularly gave users trouble. Some reviewers have termed the browser as the company's worst-ever browser. In May 2006, PCWorld rated IE 6 at no. 8 among the worst tech products of all time.
The browser is often criticsed for being vulnerable to malicious attacks, viruses and malware. According to security experts, IE 6 failed on several compatibility parameters with Web standards. Some reports claim that IE 6's design had a security flaw.
The version was also said to be unstable. IE6 didn't support CSS version 2, which makes it difficult for web developers to ensure compatibility with the browser. Also, many analysts believe that the IE6's domination for nearly six years helped rivals grow.
However, though some reviewers may have trashed IE 6, the browser still continues to lead in marketshare. According to recent reports IE6's market share in July 2009 stood at roughly 27.2%, ahead of IE7's 23% and Firefox 3's 16%.
Microsoft Vista
===============
Released in January 2007, Microsoft's new operating system Vista aimed to take hackers headon. The operating system was touted to be much ahead of its predecessors in terms of security.
However, most analysts and reviewers didn't agree with Microsoft's claim.
The security features were said to be no better than the previous versions of Windows. Also, the fact that Vista came with its own list of hardware requirements for the users too acted as a big dampener in the operating system's popularity.
Many analysts went on to claim that Vista ran slower on PCs than XP.
According to some analysts, many Vista applications ran slower than XP.
Basic file operations such as unzipping a file or deleting were also claimed to be slower.
As a result Vista failed to make a dent in the market. According to a Forrester Research (done few months), 86 per cent of corporate PCs continue to rely on the eight-year-old Vista predecessor Windows XP
MS-DOS 4.0
==========
Sherweb terms MS-DOS 4.0 (Microsoft Disk Operating System) as another of software giant's mistake. Launched in 1988, MS-DOS 4.0 offered several improvements over its predecessor DOS 3.3. However, with them were numerous bugs.
It extended support for drives larger than 32MB, an integrated disk cache, and a graphical file management shell. However, reports claim that the RAM Disk had serious flaw. Soon after its release there were reports of users facing issues of data loss and corruption.
Microsoft 2000
==============
Microsoft's big release Windows 2000 disappointed many on security ground.
Launched in 2000, the version was the last NT-based Windows release which did not include Microsoft Product Activation.
Windows 2000 introduced many of the new features of Windows 98 and Windows 98 SE into the NT line, however, it was widely criticised for compromising on security.
In August 2003, two major worms called Sobig and Blaster attacked millions of Microsoft Windows computers. The company had to incur huge clean-up costs. The 2005 Zotob worm was blamed for security compromises on Windows 2000 machines at the US Department of Homeland Security, New York Times Company, ABC and CNN.
Undermining Linux
=================
Another Microsoft mistake is its failure to gauge Linux strength. According to Sherweb, Microsoft may be ruling the world's destktop with over 85% marketshare. But when it comes to super computers, Linux is the clear leader.
According to Wikipedia, as of June 2009, Linux powered 88.6% of the world's most powerful supercomputers, compared to Windows' 1%. In December 2008, Linux powered five of the ten most reliable internet hosting companies, compared to Windows' one.
One of the key strengths of Linux according Sherweb is that it respects a user's essential freedoms; the freedom to run it, to study and change it, and to redistribute copies with or without changes.
Linux proponents claim Linux to be a more secure platform than Windows as its code are reviewed by so many people that it is easier to detect bugs
Windows ME
==========
Sherweb includes Windows Millennium Edition or Windows ME also in his list of Microsoft's Worst Mistakes. Launched in the year 2000, Windows Me was criticised by users for its instability and unreliability due to frequent freezes and crashes. PCWorld dubbed Windows Me the "Mistake Edition" and ranked it at No. 4 in its Worst Tech Products of All Time list.
There were also reports of users facing problems in Windows Me's installation and getting it to work with other hardware or software.
Similarly, reviewers blamed it for offering little over Windows 98SE, except the System Restore function.
Underestimating the iPhone
==========================
Another mistake Microsoft made according to Sherweb is underestimating Apple. The enthusiastic response to Apple's iPhone, fuelled Microsoft's hardware ambitions. And in November 2006, the company launched a rival to
Apple iPod, Zune. By the time Zune hit the shelves Apple's media player iPod had already attained an iconic status and over 70% marketshare. Also, during this time Apple was readying it's another big-ticket launch iPhone.
Though Microsoft managed to get four largest music labels to sign licensing agreements with it for Zune, the player just failed to excite customers.
According to reports, between the launch date and mid-2007 only 1.2 million Zune players were sold. In May 2008, Microsoft said that it had sold two million players since its launch.
According to Microsoft's recent quarterly statements, Zune revenues decreased $100 million, or 54% compared to the same quarter last year, due to falling device sales. While Apple saw a 3% increase in iPod sales over the same period.
The software giant is finally discontinuing all of its Zune models except for a new high-definition (HD) version that is set for September 15 launch.
Microsoft Bob
=============
Another of Microsoft's mistake, Bob was launched in 1995 to offer a game-like cartoon interface to provide a virtual experience, with programmes and documents represented by everyday objects.
Guiding users through animated pictures, Bob transformed the desktop screen into an image of a room with a desk, bookshelf, even a fireplace. On clicking the various items in the room Bob would start up the programme.
However, things didn't fell in place when it was marred by weak sales. Also, seven months after its launch, Microsoft released Windows 95 which took away the company's attention.
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer named Bob as one project "we [had] undertaken ... where we decided that we have not succeeded and let's stop."
However, some designs of the Bob cartoons are still used in Microsoft products like Bob's face was used in MSN Messenger as a Nerd Smiley. Bob figured at no. 7 on PCWorld magazine's list of the 25 worst products of all time. It was ranked number no. 1 worst product of the decade by CNET.com.
It's no different in the case of case of the software giant Microsoft. The world's largest software maker whose Windows operating system is present on almost world's 90% desktops, too has seen its share of failures.
The site Sherweb recently compiled a list of what it terms Microsoft's Worst Mistakes. Here's looking into when and where Microsoft went wrong
Internet Explorer 6
===================
Sherweb counts Internet Explorer too among Microsoft's mistakes. However, according to most other analysts it is IE6 which particularly gave users trouble. Some reviewers have termed the browser as the company's worst-ever browser. In May 2006, PCWorld rated IE 6 at no. 8 among the worst tech products of all time.
The browser is often criticsed for being vulnerable to malicious attacks, viruses and malware. According to security experts, IE 6 failed on several compatibility parameters with Web standards. Some reports claim that IE 6's design had a security flaw.
The version was also said to be unstable. IE6 didn't support CSS version 2, which makes it difficult for web developers to ensure compatibility with the browser. Also, many analysts believe that the IE6's domination for nearly six years helped rivals grow.
However, though some reviewers may have trashed IE 6, the browser still continues to lead in marketshare. According to recent reports IE6's market share in July 2009 stood at roughly 27.2%, ahead of IE7's 23% and Firefox 3's 16%.
Microsoft Vista
===============
Released in January 2007, Microsoft's new operating system Vista aimed to take hackers headon. The operating system was touted to be much ahead of its predecessors in terms of security.
However, most analysts and reviewers didn't agree with Microsoft's claim.
The security features were said to be no better than the previous versions of Windows. Also, the fact that Vista came with its own list of hardware requirements for the users too acted as a big dampener in the operating system's popularity.
Many analysts went on to claim that Vista ran slower on PCs than XP.
According to some analysts, many Vista applications ran slower than XP.
Basic file operations such as unzipping a file or deleting were also claimed to be slower.
As a result Vista failed to make a dent in the market. According to a Forrester Research (done few months), 86 per cent of corporate PCs continue to rely on the eight-year-old Vista predecessor Windows XP
MS-DOS 4.0
==========
Sherweb terms MS-DOS 4.0 (Microsoft Disk Operating System) as another of software giant's mistake. Launched in 1988, MS-DOS 4.0 offered several improvements over its predecessor DOS 3.3. However, with them were numerous bugs.
It extended support for drives larger than 32MB, an integrated disk cache, and a graphical file management shell. However, reports claim that the RAM Disk had serious flaw. Soon after its release there were reports of users facing issues of data loss and corruption.
Microsoft 2000
==============
Microsoft's big release Windows 2000 disappointed many on security ground.
Launched in 2000, the version was the last NT-based Windows release which did not include Microsoft Product Activation.
Windows 2000 introduced many of the new features of Windows 98 and Windows 98 SE into the NT line, however, it was widely criticised for compromising on security.
In August 2003, two major worms called Sobig and Blaster attacked millions of Microsoft Windows computers. The company had to incur huge clean-up costs. The 2005 Zotob worm was blamed for security compromises on Windows 2000 machines at the US Department of Homeland Security, New York Times Company, ABC and CNN.
Undermining Linux
=================
Another Microsoft mistake is its failure to gauge Linux strength. According to Sherweb, Microsoft may be ruling the world's destktop with over 85% marketshare. But when it comes to super computers, Linux is the clear leader.
According to Wikipedia, as of June 2009, Linux powered 88.6% of the world's most powerful supercomputers, compared to Windows' 1%. In December 2008, Linux powered five of the ten most reliable internet hosting companies, compared to Windows' one.
One of the key strengths of Linux according Sherweb is that it respects a user's essential freedoms; the freedom to run it, to study and change it, and to redistribute copies with or without changes.
Linux proponents claim Linux to be a more secure platform than Windows as its code are reviewed by so many people that it is easier to detect bugs
Windows ME
==========
Sherweb includes Windows Millennium Edition or Windows ME also in his list of Microsoft's Worst Mistakes. Launched in the year 2000, Windows Me was criticised by users for its instability and unreliability due to frequent freezes and crashes. PCWorld dubbed Windows Me the "Mistake Edition" and ranked it at No. 4 in its Worst Tech Products of All Time list.
There were also reports of users facing problems in Windows Me's installation and getting it to work with other hardware or software.
Similarly, reviewers blamed it for offering little over Windows 98SE, except the System Restore function.
Underestimating the iPhone
==========================
Another mistake Microsoft made according to Sherweb is underestimating Apple. The enthusiastic response to Apple's iPhone, fuelled Microsoft's hardware ambitions. And in November 2006, the company launched a rival to
Apple iPod, Zune. By the time Zune hit the shelves Apple's media player iPod had already attained an iconic status and over 70% marketshare. Also, during this time Apple was readying it's another big-ticket launch iPhone.
Though Microsoft managed to get four largest music labels to sign licensing agreements with it for Zune, the player just failed to excite customers.
According to reports, between the launch date and mid-2007 only 1.2 million Zune players were sold. In May 2008, Microsoft said that it had sold two million players since its launch.
According to Microsoft's recent quarterly statements, Zune revenues decreased $100 million, or 54% compared to the same quarter last year, due to falling device sales. While Apple saw a 3% increase in iPod sales over the same period.
The software giant is finally discontinuing all of its Zune models except for a new high-definition (HD) version that is set for September 15 launch.
Microsoft Bob
=============
Another of Microsoft's mistake, Bob was launched in 1995 to offer a game-like cartoon interface to provide a virtual experience, with programmes and documents represented by everyday objects.
Guiding users through animated pictures, Bob transformed the desktop screen into an image of a room with a desk, bookshelf, even a fireplace. On clicking the various items in the room Bob would start up the programme.
However, things didn't fell in place when it was marred by weak sales. Also, seven months after its launch, Microsoft released Windows 95 which took away the company's attention.
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer named Bob as one project "we [had] undertaken ... where we decided that we have not succeeded and let's stop."
However, some designs of the Bob cartoons are still used in Microsoft products like Bob's face was used in MSN Messenger as a Nerd Smiley. Bob figured at no. 7 on PCWorld magazine's list of the 25 worst products of all time. It was ranked number no. 1 worst product of the decade by CNET.com.
SIMPLE SOLUTIONS For ANNOYING PROBLEMS
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
Feb 26, 2010
Nice Quotes
The only thing we never get enough of is love;
and the only thing we never give enough of is love.
~Henry Miller~
There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,
and one who has any faith in God should be
ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.
~Mahatma Gandhi~
You maintain the balance of responding to situations
with a cool head and to people with a warm heart.
~unknown~
If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more.
If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.
~Oprah Winfrey~
Tears are a gift that cleanses the body of toxins and nourishes
the seeds of hope that can grow even in a broken heart.
~Unknown~
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past.
You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures
and heartaches.
~unknown~
I keep my friends as misers do their treasure,
because, of all the things granted us by wisdom,
none is greater or better than friendship.
~Pietro Aretino~
Hearing is one of the body's five senses.
But listening is an art.
~Frank Tyger~
I'm not afraid of storms for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
~Louisa May Alcott~
It is not the size of your wallet that counts but the size of your heart.
~unknown~
think of life as a good book. The further you get into it,
The more it begins to make sense.
~Harold S. Kushner~
and the only thing we never give enough of is love.
~Henry Miller~
There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,
and one who has any faith in God should be
ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.
~Mahatma Gandhi~
You maintain the balance of responding to situations
with a cool head and to people with a warm heart.
~unknown~
If you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more.
If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.
~Oprah Winfrey~
Tears are a gift that cleanses the body of toxins and nourishes
the seeds of hope that can grow even in a broken heart.
~Unknown~
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past.
You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures
and heartaches.
~unknown~
I keep my friends as misers do their treasure,
because, of all the things granted us by wisdom,
none is greater or better than friendship.
~Pietro Aretino~
Hearing is one of the body's five senses.
But listening is an art.
~Frank Tyger~
I'm not afraid of storms for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
~Louisa May Alcott~
It is not the size of your wallet that counts but the size of your heart.
~unknown~
think of life as a good book. The further you get into it,
The more it begins to make sense.
~Harold S. Kushner~
Insulting a Woman
A newly wed couple Naren and Nita came to live in an apartment where right across lived a young attractive man.
Naren was bragging to his friend, "My wife is so smart that she caught the guy across the window peeping us nude in action into our Apartment. She was so angered that she wanted to go there and kill the bastard, if I didn't stop her."
The highly impressed friend praised, “You are lucky, she seems to be the woman of high family value, principles, and character."
Naren replied, “No man, she got mad when the guy across the window shut his window on us.”
Naren was bragging to his friend, "My wife is so smart that she caught the guy across the window peeping us nude in action into our Apartment. She was so angered that she wanted to go there and kill the bastard, if I didn't stop her."
The highly impressed friend praised, “You are lucky, she seems to be the woman of high family value, principles, and character."
Naren replied, “No man, she got mad when the guy across the window shut his window on us.”
Troubled Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
----------------------------------
MEMO
Mr. Bill Fenton
Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
*********
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
*********
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
*********
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
*********
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in homewares..... and watched what happened.
*********
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
*********
6. September 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
*********
7. September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows fromthe bedding department.
*********
8. September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
*********
9. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
*********
10. November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
*********
11. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
*********
12. December 6:
In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
*********
13. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
*********
14. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
*********
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
----------------------------------
MEMO
Mr. Bill Fenton
Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
*********
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
*********
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
*********
3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
*********
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in homewares..... and watched what happened.
*********
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
*********
6. September 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
*********
7. September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows fromthe bedding department.
*********
8. September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
*********
9. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
*********
10. November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
*********
11. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
*********
12. December 6:
In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
*********
13. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
*********
14. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
*********
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Feb 25, 2010
THE GRACEFUL SEX
The grandmother was worried about yet virgin granddaughter
going out with boys, so she advised, "You know about those
damn boys, they go out with you, then he will try to kiss you,
you will of course like it, but don't let him get away."
Grandma continued, "But if he got away, then he is going to try feeling
your plump boobs, you are going to like it but don't let that sob get away."
Grandma pushed on, "Now if he got away, then he is going to lift your
skirt, move his hand on your thighs between the legs and damn you will love it
a lot, but don't let him get away."
Grandma took a deep long breath, and stressed "Now most important thing,
listen carefully he then will pull your clothes down and get on top of you,
you will enjoy it but don't let him get away that will disgrace our
family."
The young girl made a good mental note. She returned
late in the night with full of happiness and satisfaction.
Grandma inquired, "What happened?"
Young girl explained, "I did just what you said, when the SOB got on top of
my
nude body with that thing hanging between his legs, I flipped, turned him
over got on top of him and disgraced not ours, but his family."
going out with boys, so she advised, "You know about those
damn boys, they go out with you, then he will try to kiss you,
you will of course like it, but don't let him get away."
Grandma continued, "But if he got away, then he is going to try feeling
your plump boobs, you are going to like it but don't let that sob get away."
Grandma pushed on, "Now if he got away, then he is going to lift your
skirt, move his hand on your thighs between the legs and damn you will love it
a lot, but don't let him get away."
Grandma took a deep long breath, and stressed "Now most important thing,
listen carefully he then will pull your clothes down and get on top of you,
you will enjoy it but don't let him get away that will disgrace our
family."
The young girl made a good mental note. She returned
late in the night with full of happiness and satisfaction.
Grandma inquired, "What happened?"
Young girl explained, "I did just what you said, when the SOB got on top of
my
nude body with that thing hanging between his legs, I flipped, turned him
over got on top of him and disgraced not ours, but his family."
Wine Maker
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
Idiot
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
**********
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
**********
Top Ten highest individual scorers in ODI
India's SACHIN TENDULKAR became the first batsman to score a double century in one-day internationals. He achieved the feat in the second one-dayer against South Africa. Let's have a look at the top 10 highest run-getters in ODIs.
CHARLES COVENTRY of Zimbabwe holds the second spot for scoring 194 not out against Bangladesh on 16 August, 2009.
SAEED ANWAR of Pakistan holds the third spot for scoring 194 runs against India on 21 May, 1997.
VIV RICHARDS of West Indies holds the fourth spot for scoring 189 not out against England on 31 May 1984.
SANATH JAYASURIYA of Sri Lanka holds the fifth spot for scoring 189 runs against India on 29 October, 2000.
GARY KIRSTEN of South Africa holds the sixth spot for scoring 188 not out against U.A.E. on 16 February, 1996.
SACHIN TENDULKAR also holds the seventh spot for scoring 186 not out against New Zealand on 8 November, 1999.
MAHENDRA SINGH DHONI of India holds the eighth spot for scoring 183 not out against Sri Lanka on 31 October, 2005.
SOURAV GANGULY of India holds the ninth spot for scoring 183 runs against Sri Lanka on 26 May, 1999.
MATTHEW HAYDEN of Australia holds the tenth spot for scoring 181 not out against New Zealand on 20 February, 2007.
Cat listening to..!!!
Cat listening to LATA MANGESHKAR
Cat listening to SONU NIGAM
Cat listening to ANU MALIK
Cat listening to ANUP JALOTA
Cat listening to KUMAR SANU
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Cat listening to HIMESH RESHAMMIYA
School Jokes [Very Hilarious]
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O (H2O)!
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right... “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : “My Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile”?
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
GLENN : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O (H2O)!
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE : All right... “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : “My Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
TOP 21 things a US returned Indian will do...
Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.
Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health consciousness.
Sprays deo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.
Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.
Says the following:
Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”
Says “Yogurt” instead of “Curd”
Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”
Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”
Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”
Says “Free Way” instead of “Highway”
Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”
Says “O” instead of “Zero” (for 704, says Seven O Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 50 times).
Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk packet.
When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats Zee several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X,Y, Zee.
Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says & Oh! British Style!!!
Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and **Indian Road** Conditions.
Even after 2 months, complaints about Jet Lag.
Avoids eating more chilli (hot) stuff.
Tries to drink Diet Coke instead of **Normal** Coke.
Tries to complain about everything in **India** as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule” and “module” as “mojule”.
Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to **India**, even after 4 months of arrival.
Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Tries to begin conversation with; “In US....” or “When I was in US...”
Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health consciousness.
Sprays deo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.
Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.
Says the following:
Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”
Says “Yogurt” instead of “Curd”
Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”
Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”
Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”
Says “Free Way” instead of “Highway”
Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”
Says “O” instead of “Zero” (for 704, says Seven O Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 50 times).
Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk packet.
When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats Zee several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X,Y, Zee.
Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says & Oh! British Style!!!
Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and **Indian Road** Conditions.
Even after 2 months, complaints about Jet Lag.
Avoids eating more chilli (hot) stuff.
Tries to drink Diet Coke instead of **Normal** Coke.
Tries to complain about everything in **India** as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule” and “module” as “mojule”.
Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to **India**, even after 4 months of arrival.
Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Tries to begin conversation with; “In US....” or “When I was in US...”
Year 3000
This are really wonderful animated GIFs which gives a preview of our future. In this highly technology dependant world, its very well possible that many of these devices may get innovated in the near future. Take a look at the below images:
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How Guys select a Girl [Puzzle]
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
Think like a man . . .
(scroll down for the answer)
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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :)
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
Think like a man . . .
(scroll down for the answer)
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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :)
10 most Stupid Questions and Funny Answers
| Here are the 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations... Many of you might have already experienced few of these situations. Next time someone asks you these questions, you can answer them as given below: 1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends...Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here? Funny Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here. 2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt? Funny Answer: No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia. Why don’t you try again? | |
| 3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people. Funny Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you? 4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiterStupid Question: Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good? Funny Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated stuff. We occassionaly also spit in it. 5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big. Funny Answer: Well, you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself. 6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good? Funny Answer: No,he’s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout... It’s just the money. 7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...Stupid Question: Sorry, were you sleeping? Funny Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping? You dumb witted moron. 8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut? Funny Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding.... 9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth...Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts? Funny Answer: No it won’t. It will just bleed. 10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke. Funny Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle. It was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!! | |
Sucide Bomber
Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.
Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.
Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
Free Beer
Banta owned a pub in the Ludhiana, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month.
Santa, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day.
"I'm not giving you another free beer!" Banta hollered, as he noticed Santa.
Santa was not without a plan, however. He approached Banta and offered him a deal.
"I've been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you."
Banta gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, Santa got up and headed for the door.
"All right," he shouted, "send them out - one at a time!"
Santa, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day.
"I'm not giving you another free beer!" Banta hollered, as he noticed Santa.
Santa was not without a plan, however. He approached Banta and offered him a deal.
"I've been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you."
Banta gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, Santa got up and headed for the door.
"All right," he shouted, "send them out - one at a time!"
Feb 24, 2010
Computers and Cars
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo , Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five time 's as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
At a recent computer expo , Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five time 's as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Ten Thoughts To Ponder For 2010
No 10. Life is sexually transmitted.
No 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
No 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
No 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
No 6. Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
No 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
No 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
No 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
No 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
The Last Post
If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which The Last Post was played; This brings out a new meaning of it. Here is something everyone should know. Until I read this, I didn't know, But I checked it out and it's true: We have all heard the haunting song, 'The Last Post.' It's the song that gives us the lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings. Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the American Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia . The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as 'The Last Post' used at military funerals was born. The words are: Day is done. Gone the sun. From the lakes From the hills. From the sky. All is well.. Safely rest. God is nigh. Fading light. Dims the sight. And a star. Gems the sky. Gleaming bright. From afar. Drawing nigh. Falls the night. Thanks and praise. For our days. Neath the sun Neath the stars. Neath the sky As we go. This we know. God is nigh I too have felt the chills while listening to 'The Last Post' But I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse . I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if You had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before. Remember Those Lost and Harmed While Serving Their Country. Also Remember Those Who Have Served And Returned; And for those presently serving in the Armed Forces. |
The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!".....
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!".....
Doctor's Advice
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!".....
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!".....
Feb 23, 2010
Blode at Docters Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible! ‘ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?’
‘Well, no‘ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said,
‘How do you come to know‘ said the blonde
Docter says ‘Actually Your finger is broken.’
‘Impossible! ‘ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?’
‘Well, no‘ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said,
‘How do you come to know‘ said the blonde
Docter says ‘Actually Your finger is broken.’
Hillary goes to Heaven
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were thousands of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, “We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one-second each time a lie is told.”
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, “Where is Bills’ clock?”
St.Peter replied, “Jesus has it in His office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan“.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were thousands of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, “We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one-second each time a lie is told.”
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked, “Where is Bills’ clock?”
St.Peter replied, “Jesus has it in His office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan“.
Best Dirty Jokes ( Part 36)
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.
"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet. . ."
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"