Superb English

Disclaimer: Please read at your own risk. I'm not responsible if you go
mad or forget your English vocabulary or grammar after reading this.

Definition Of LOVE

Stolen Jokes ( Sunday )

 

BLONDE LOGIC

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer s tops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!! "

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"


One Liners

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it ... for example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration!

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!

A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, "Ideally, suspended with pay."

Marry an orphan: You'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Love quotes by Famous Persons

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path --Agatha Christie


"If music be the food of love, play on"- Shakespeare


Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction- Antoine de Saint


Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love- Albert Einstein




Love - a terribly misunderstood emotion, although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker., You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip- Jonathan Carroll


"Where there is love, there is life"-- Mahatma Gandhi


Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity- Henry Van Dyke


Take away love and our earth is a tomb-Robert Bro


Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place- Zora Neale Hurston


Love is a game that two can play and both win by loosing their heart- Eva Gabor.


We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack- Marie Ebner Von Eschenbach


Love, and a cough, cannot be hid-George Herbert


At the touch of love and heart, everyone becomes a poet- Plato


Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold- Zelda Fitzgerald


Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species- W. Somerset Maugham


Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired- Robert Frost


Love is the greatest refreshment in life- Pablo Picasso


Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination - Voltaire


"It is never too late to fall in love"- Sandy Wilson


Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without- Rafael Ortiz


"The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know."-Pascal


What we love to do we find time to do. --John L. Spalding


There's nothing in this world as sweet as love, and next to love the sweetest thing is hate. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. --Leo Buscaglia


Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. --Khalil Gibran

Methods of Hiring

Cognizant Method:




Hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .......








TCS method:




Hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary lion dies of hunger and frustration






IBM's metbod:




hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour... he dies of unemployment. ..








Syntel Method:




Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....






MBT method:




hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
Lion dies of the strain?






i-Flex method:




Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.






Polaris Method:




hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....






Patni method:




hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....






Wipro Method:




Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........! ! !!!






Accenture Method:




*Hire a lion.... **
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......

Confidence & Self Esteem

Confidence and Self-Esteem were best friends. They went everywhere together. If Confidence bought a new dress, Self-Esteem bought one just like it. They were very close.


One day a new kid came to their school. His name was Peer Pressure. He had a friend called Hateful Words. They decided to give Confidence a hard time.





They constantly teased her. They forced her to do terrible things. It was so terrible that Confidence lost Self-Esteem. When Self-Esteem wanted to start some classes, Confidence said they wouldn't be any good.


Then one day, Peer Pressure introduced Confidence to Doubt. He wanted to ruin Confidence, but Peer Pressure said he couldn't yet. Self Esteem couldn't understand what was wrong with Confidence. Confidence now hung around with Depression, Low Self-Esteem, and Overeating.


These girls were friends of Peer Pressure. Self-Esteem no longer had any friends. She no longer felt good about herself. She went to see her Imaam. Imaam Good Words told her how to talk to Confidence. He introduced her to his daughter, Encouragement.


Encouragement and Self-Esteem went to find Confidence. Self Esteem hoped she wasn't too late. The girls found Confidence in a stupor. She was no longer a vibrant, happy young girl. There were dark circles under her eyes. She had gained so much weight from eating that she couldn't move.





Encouragement gasped and Self-Esteem cried. She begged Encouragement to do something.



Encouragement began to hug Confidence. She kissed her and loved her. She told her that she was a beautiful young lady who had a lot going for her.


Encouragement held Confidence so tightly that Self-Esteem thought she would smother her. Confidence began to cry. As she cried, she seemed to lose weight. Then a bright light suddenly glowed from Confidence and she began to smile.


Peer Pressure and his friends didn't like what Encouragement was doing and tried to attack her. They hit at her and pulled at her, but they couldn't pull her away from Confidence. Then Confidence began to speak.


"Get away from me, Peer Pressure. Take your friends and go. You no longer have any power over me." Confidence was now a glowing light. She and her friends made sure that Peer Pressure and his gang never bothered anyone in their town again.

***********


If you feel that Encouragement is not your friend, then try to find Encouragement in yourself. Self-Esteem and Confidence will follow.


***********

TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA

1) Qus. : What are you doing?

Ans.: Business.

Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?

Ans.: Selling the Goods.

Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?

Ans.: From other State/Abroad

Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?

Ans.: Profit.

Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!

5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?

Ans.: Factory.

Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!

 

6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!

 

9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?

Ans.: Yes, for Salary.

Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?

Ans.: Hotel

Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

 

12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?

Ans.: Gift on birthday.

Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!

14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!

 

15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?

Ans.: Cinema or Resort.

Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

 

16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?

Ans.: Yes

Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

17) Qus. : How you Travel?

Ans.: Bus

Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!

18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL &  SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?

Ans.: Yes

Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY

Hinglish in India

In an Ahmedabad Hotel:
It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.


In a Surat hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In the elevator in Hotel Tex Pallazo, Surat:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


In a Baroda hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.


In a hotel in Jamnagar:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.


In a Ahmedabad hotel near Gujarat College:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Edwards Laundry on Relief Road, Ahmedabad:
Drop your trousers here for best results.


In a Bhavnagar hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is rekvested that the lobby be used for this purpose.


In an Anand laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.


In a heritage hotel at Junagadh:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides (on the famous white asses) in


Rann of Kutch:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a 5-Star Hotel cocktail lounge in Ahmedabad:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.


In a Bharuch hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


Not from a hotel, but still worth a mention:
In the office of Ahmedabad gynecologist:
Specialist in women, and other diseases.

Mr X & Mr Y

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"




Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."


X asked, "Can you explain?"


Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."


Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"


Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"


X asked, "Then what is your role?"


Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe , whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

4 Thoughts By Men

Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.


Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
This is the Best !!!


Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter .......... all except the poor Groom!!

SMS: Good But Tough

1) Apologizing doesn't mean that (apologetic? ????) You are wrong and the other is right. It only means that you value the relationship more than your ego....






2) If everything is going according to your wish, then you are lucky...... If its not, then you are too lucky, because it is going according to Gods wish......






3) Ever noticed your parents spend the first 18 months trying to make you stand up and talk....and the next 18 years trying to make you sit down and listen?






4) Either walk as if you rule the world.... or, Walk as if you don't mind who the hell rules the world...That' s the attitude...Rock your life....






5) Confidence never comes if we have all the answers, Be ready for all the questions... .Be bold to face the world....






6) When you are depressed... When you are confused.... When you have been hurt the most...Don't ever get carried away...rather just get in front of the mirror, and there you will find the right person who could actually help you get out of this....






7) There is always a little truth behind every "just kidding" A little knowledge behind every "I don't know" A little emotion behind "I don't care"






8) Two aspect of life: If we become too sentimental, it is too hard to lead life and if we become too practical, it is too tough to respect relations... ..






9) No on in this world is afraid to speak the truth. They are afraid only about the consequences that are to be faced after speaking the truth.






10) Truth of life: What is status?? "Spending money which we don't have to buy things which we don't need....To impress people whom we don't know..."

New Ways Of Looking Towards Love

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.....


THE NEW VERSIONS R.....


Pessimist:


If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was




Optimist:


If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.


Suspicious:


If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


Impatient:


If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.


Patient:


If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...


Playful:


If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....


C++ Programmer:


if(you-love( m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;


Animal-Rights Activist:


If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!


Lawyers:


If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom


Biologist :


If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.


Statisticians :


If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.


Schwarzenegger' s fans:


If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


Ove r possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.


MBA :


If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously


Psychologist :


If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.


Somnabulist :


If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.


ERP functional expert :


If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis


Finance expert :


If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.


Marketing Specialist :


If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market