Baadshah Akbar aur Santri

Ek baar baadshah akbar ke darbaar me ek santri tha. Uska naam lallan
tha. Uska record tha ki usne jiski bhi Gaand maari wo tarakki kar
gaya. Lekin wo khud santri ka santri hi rah gaya.
Ye baat feel karte hue usne khud ki hi gand maarne ki sochi, aur raat
ko minaar pe chad gaya aur apni hi maarne ka prayaas karne laga.
Lekin wo minaar akbar ke bedroom ke saamne thi aur achaanak akbar ki
nazar pad gayi, usne fauran sipaahi bhej kar usse pakad kar darbaar
mein pesh karne ko kaha.
Agli subah darbaar mein,
Akbar : Tum raat ko kya kar rahe the.
Lallan : Zille ilaahi maine aaj tak jiski bhi Gaand maari wo tarakki
kar gaya lekin mein wahi 500 rupaye kamaane waala hi reh gay.
Akbar : aaj se tumhaari tankhwaa 1500 ki jaati hai lekin ye harkat
dubaara nahi honi chahiye?
Lallan : Badshah salaamat, Abhi to sirf topa hi gaya tha…

18 saal ki ladki ke 18 vachan

Mera Peecha MAT KAROOO!!!
Mai Sharif Ladki hun.
Bas ek bar bolungi �I L U.
Sirf ek bar milungi bas!!!
Kuch karna nahi�
Koi dekh lega
Bas upper se kar lo
Panty mat urato
Bas ek bar hi karwaungi
Sharam aarahi hai.
Bahut lamba hai
Meri chut mai itna mota nahi jaygaa
Jor se mat dalna
Bahut dard ho raha hai
Chuchi ko chuso
Kamar ko pakad ke dalo
Jor se dhakka maro
Bahar mat nikalo

Punjabi khoon wich hundi hai

Ek baar ek bihari bhaiya sardar ke paas aata hai aur kahta hai ki
babu ji punjabi sikhani hai… Sardar hansa aur kahta hai ki tu nahi
seekh sakta punjabi, punjab taa khoon wich hundi hai…
Bihar agle din phir sardar ke paas pahunch jata hai aur kahta hai ki
babu ji , punjabi sikhani hai, sardar phir usko kahta hai ki eh nahi
ho sakda, punjabi khoon wich hundi hai….
teesray din phir bhaiye ke andar ungli hoti hai aur woh phir chala
jaata hai sardar ke paas ki punjabi sikhni hai, sardar kahta hai ki
bhaiya ji, punjabi khoon wich hundi hai, agar itna ungli ho rahi hai
to aao sikha deta hu punjabi..
puray ek mahine traininng chalti hai.. bhaiya pure dil ke saath
punjabi sikhta hai… end mai aati hai imtehaan ki ghadi, sardar
kahta hai ki aaj agal tu imtihaan paas kar gaya to tu pakka
punjabi ….
woh ek table pe pani ka gilas phainkta aur bolta hai ki isko punjabi
mai kya bolega …
Bhaiya : eh paani kinne sutiya ???? sardar kahta hai ki galat hai,
second chance
bhaiya : eh glaas kinne doliya hai ??? sardar phir kahta hai galat,
last chance
bhaiya :eh paani kinne doliya hai?? sardar kahta hai o chhad yaar…
sardar apne chhote ladke ko bulata hai aur table dikhata hua kahta
hai : oye chhotu idhar aa, aa dekh ..
chhotu table par paani pada hua dekh ke kahta hai : bhaincho, Eh maa
kinne ch udai hai ???
Sardar bhaiye ko kahta hai ki maine pahle hi bola tha ki punjabi
khoon wich hundi hai…

Santa Banta aur tatti

santa-banta kahin highway per jaa rahe they, achanak santa ko tatti aa
gayi, santa road ke kinaare chhupkar tatti karta hai…baad mein ussey
pounchhne ko kuchh nahi milta, usne banta ko awaaz di…. “oye banta,
kya karu?”
banta ne jawab diya “purse se 5 rs nikal ke pounch le”
jab santa wapas aaya to uske haath aur kapde tatti se lathpath they…
banta ne puchha… “tuney apni gaan.d nahi pounchhi?”
santa ne kaha ” yaar pehle maine 2rs ke sikke se pounchha, fir 1-1 rs.
ke teen-teen sikkon se pounchha, magar baat nahi bani

Pehalwan aur Hakeem

Pehalwan: -mere Tatte neele Ho gaye hain
Madrasi hakeem: – kaat ke nikalne padenge, zehar fail gaya hai
Pehalwan :- kaat de
(2 Din baad)
Pehalwan:- Mera Lun V nila Ho gaya Hai.
Madrasi Hakeem:- ye bhi katna padega, waha pipe laga doonga
Pehelwan :- kaat de
(2 Din baad)
Pehalwan : Pipe bhi neeli ho gayi hai
Madrasi Hakeem : chinta na kar, bimari ka pata lag gaya, tere langot
ka rang utar raha hai

Mast very funny

ek admi shadi ke ek week bad apni biwi ki nayi bra lene jata hai.
Dukandar size puchta hai to wo kahta ha size ka dhyan nahi ap bra
dikhaye mai btata hu. Dukandar use har size dikhata hai.
Sabse chota size ka bra dekh kar kehta hai is se be koi chota size hai
kya. Dukandar ek bachhi ki sabse chotti bra dikata hai. Admi kahta hai
isse bhi chotti.
dukandar ander jata hai aur clearsil ki tube dekar kehta hai funsi ho
gayi hogi ye laga lo theek ho jayegi.

sore knee??????

And this guy has a sore knee???????

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man an Accountant,

the third a Chemist, and

the fourth was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"


The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......


ate the cookies........


drank the milk.......


sh*t on the paper.......




screwed the other three cats.......


claimed he injured his back while doing so.......


filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........


put in for Workers Compensation................and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............



AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Origin of Brands

There are many companies / brands / products whose
names were derived from strange circumstances.

Mercedes
This was actually the financier's daughter's name.


Adobe
This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran
behind the house of founder John Warnock.

Apple Computers
It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He
was three months late in filing a name for the
business, and he threatened to call his company Apple
Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a
better name by 5 O'clock.

CISCO
It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is
short for San Francisco.

Compaq
This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and
PAQ to denote a small integral object.

Corel
The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.
Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland REsearch
Laboratory.


Google
The name started as a joke boasting about the amount
of information the search-engine would be able to
search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for
the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros.
After founders- Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin
and Larry Page presented their project to an angel
investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'

Hotmail
Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail
via the web from a computer anywhere in the world.
When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for
the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending
in
'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included
the letters "html" - the programming language used to
write web pages. It was initially referred to as
HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.


Hewlett Packard
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide
whether the company they founded would be called
Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.


Intel
Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new
company 'Moore Noyce'but that was already trademarked
by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym
of INTegrated ELectronics.

Lotus (Notes)
Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The
Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapoor used to be a
teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi
Mahesh Yogi.


Microsoft
Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was
devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally
christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.


Motorola
Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his
company started manufacturing radios for cars. The
popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.


ORACLE
Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a
consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence
Agency). The code name for the project was called
Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers
to all questions or something such). The project was
designed to help use the newly written SQL code by
IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry
and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring
it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created
the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for
the company.

Sony
It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning
sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer
to a bright youngster.

SUN
Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the
acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas
Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla
recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture
computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a
UNIX-based OS for the computer.


Yahoo!
The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in
his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person
who is repulsive in appearance and action and is
barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David
Filo selected the name because they considered
themselves yahoos.

Different types of Marketting‏

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and say: "I am very rich.

"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing... "

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a

gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and

pointing at you says: "He's very rich.

"Marry him." -That's Advertising. ..."

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and get her telephone number. The next day, you

call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.

"Marry me - That's Telemarketing. .."

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up

and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour

her a drink, you open the door (of the car)"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations... "

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks

up to you and says:"You are very rich!

"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition. .."

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you

a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback..."

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she

introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap..."

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and before you say anything, another person come

and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she

goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share..."

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to

her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your

wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets..."

What a 'touching' moment!!!!... wow.... must see !!!

The New wAy To wrIte ResiGnation LetTer!!‏

 

 

 

New Nike shoes‏

Santa Singh in Desert

Our Santa Singh, a Japanese, and a Britisher were lost in the desert. They

were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had

nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they

continued their journey.

The Japanese took the radiator, the Britisher

took the seat, and our Santa Singh took the door.

After a while of walking the Britisher asked the Japanese, “I’m

confused, why did you bring the Radiator?“

The Japanese responded, “If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid.”

Next our Santa Singh asked the Britisher, “Why did you bring the seat?“

So the Britisher said, “If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the

sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat.”

Finally the Japanese asked Santa why he had chosen the door.

Nice Teaching

First-year students at Veterinary school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…

Moral of the story:

Life is Tough but its a lot tougher when you are stupid

20 Great Liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Latest Cycle In Arab

Never Start A Project If You Don't Have Resources

STORY - ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST‏

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss

are on their way to a meeting.

On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says,

"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,

I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted,

"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."

Pufffff. and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said,

"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."

MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"

Santa in Paris

Santa, furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India .

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Till this day, Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!! !

Stress relief exercise * Must Try *

Some Good and bad things

The most destructive habit...............................Worry


The greatest Joy............................................Giving


The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect


The most satisfying work.....................Helping others




The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishnesss


The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders


Our greatest natural resource..................Our youth


The greatest "shot in the arm"............Encouragement


The greatest problem to overcome.....................Fear


The most effective sleeping pill............Peace of mind


The most crippling failure disease..................Excuses


The most powerful force in life.........................Love


The most dangerous pariah.......................A gossiper


The world's most incredible computer........The brain


The worst thing to be without........................ Hope


The deadliest weapon............................The tongue


The two most power-filled words..................."I Can"


The greatest asset.......................................Faith


The most worthless emotion.....................Self-pity


The most beautiful attire...........................SMILE!


The most prized possession.....................Integrity


The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer


The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm


The most important thing in life......................GOD

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.




There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.


I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.




I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.


There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."




She sleepily replied,


"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s#!t."

Outsourced Heartburn ad

This is one of the best ad errors I have seen and demonstrates what can happen when companies outsource their ads to foreign countries in order to cut costs. Someone who is ESL (English as a second language) wrote the copy line for this ad. (see below)

Believe It Or Not!!!

A young under-educated man applied for a job in an office as a custodian.  He filled out the application, then went in for an interview with the woman in charge of Personnel when his name was called.
       After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies.  One asked, "How’d it go?"
       The guy answered, "First part was smooth.  But den she wanted to see my testimonials.  So I unzipped my pants and showed ‘em -- and she freaked!  There went da job!"

 

 

shipwrecked

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie. 
  
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
 


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. 
 



She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. 



It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.  



  Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. 







So, they buried Susie.