Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Bread India
Circuit then opens the box of jalebi.
ENGLISHMAN : What is this?
CIRCUIT : Sweet India
With all the food he hogged on, Circuit lets out a huge fart!
The Englishman is offended and in shock asks...
ENGLISHMAN : What was that?
CIRCUIT : Air India
Dec 14, 2009
A letter to Bill Gates from santa singh
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer
for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your
notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******
appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but
we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware
vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I
request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down '
button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request
you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run '
has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so
that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find
only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',
but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from
CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning
'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect
ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when u will provide that?
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer
for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your
notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******
appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but
we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware
vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I
request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down '
button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request
you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run '
has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so
that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find
only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',
but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from
CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning
'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect
ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when u will provide that?
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? !
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
King of the jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Birthday gift ( Funny JOKE )
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
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Scroll Down……
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A Weight Machine
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The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
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Scroll Down……
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A Weight Machine
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The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !
Affairs
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.
'She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.
''What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
''One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.
''What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
''One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Best Divorce Letter Ever
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it....These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever thecase, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica !!!!!
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it....These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever thecase, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica !!!!!
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Hospital Tour
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'
NOW THAT'S FUNNY, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE !!!
'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'
NOW THAT'S FUNNY, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE !!!
The world's shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The GIRL SAID 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
I told you it was going to be short!
Language at Work
Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
A Funeral And A Blonde Mortitian
When someone dies, and is brought to the funeral home, the funeral employees (morticians) listen and accommodate to the family's wishes so that the last time the family sees their loved one is a beautiful, memorable and peaceful one. One of the things that needs to be done is to choose how they will look in the coffin, including the clothing. So how do morticians go about dressing these people who have passed away? Here is a great funny email to forward about a widow's experience at the funeral home with a blonde mortician. Hope you enjoy!
Blonde Mortician.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!
SALTY COFFEE ( Funny Humor )
He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.. Suddenly he asked the waiter:
"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it.
She asked him curiously: why you have this hobby?
He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".
While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.
That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home.. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.
That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him!
Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.
I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..
Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears made the letter totally wet.
Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee? It's sweet. She replied.
**********
Love is not 2 forget but 2 forgive
Not 2 c but 2 understand
Not 2 hear but 2 listen
Not 2 let go but HOLD ON !!!!
Stupid jokes
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he farted. He farted down one hill
and farted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt
reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his
napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on
his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly,
he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told
her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he farted. He farted down one hill
and farted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt
reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to
his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to
peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming
on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the
next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his
napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on
his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly,
he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was
outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on
everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to
determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch
this!" and threw a cup of water into the air. Well, the water
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's
igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and took a big breath and
exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to
the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and
went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved
one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a
spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went... "FFFAAAARRRTTT!
at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was
outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on
everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to
determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch
this!" and threw a cup of water into the air. Well, the water
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's
igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and took a big breath and
exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to
the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" and
went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved
one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a
spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went... "FFFAAAARRRTTT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Housework was a woman's job, but one
evening, Jenny arrived home from work
to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the
dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article
that said, 'Wives who work full-time and
had to do their own housework were too
tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day,
she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed
the evening.'
'But what about afterward?'
asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'
God is good
evening, Jenny arrived home from work
to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the
dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article
that said, 'Wives who work full-time and
had to do their own housework were too
tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day,
she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Ralph even
cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed
the evening.'
'But what about afterward?'
asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'
God is good