Once two men sat in a bar drinking.
The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."
The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine.
I married a widow having a young daughter.
My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems".
Dec 5, 2009
Four Old Ladies
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
Dont laugh
A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
Good Read
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed
Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the
Young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused.
Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just
Wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... Just be there. Stay.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed
Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the
Young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused.
Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.
Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just
Wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... Just be there. Stay.
Gujarati Funeral ...
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,
10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.
Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days
The Tao Of Forgiveness
One day, the sage gave the disciple an empty sack and a basket of potatoes. "Think of all the people who have done or said something against you in the recent past, especially those you cannot forgive.
For each of them, inscribe the name on a potato and put it in the sack."
The disciple came up quite a few names, and soon his sack was heavy with potatoes.
"Carry the sack with you wherever you go for a week," said the sage. "We'll talk after that."
At first, the disciple thought nothing of it. Carrying the sack was not particularly difficult. But after a while, it became more of a burden. It sometimes got in the way, and it seemed to require more effort to carry as time went on, even though its weight remained the same.
After a few days, the sack began to smell. The carved potatoes gave off a ripe odor. Not only were they increasingly inconvenient to carry around, they were also becoming rather unpleasant.
Finally, the week was over. The sage summoned the disciple. "Any thoughts about all this?"
"Yes, Master," the disciple replied. "When we are unable to forgive others, we carry negative feelings with us everywhere, much like these potatoes. That negativity becomes a burden to us and, after a while, it festers."
"Yes, that is exactly what happens when one holds a grudge. So, how can we lighten the load?"
"We must strive to forgive."
"Forgiving someone is the equivalent of removing the corresponding potato from the sack. How many of your transgressors are you able to forgive?"
"I've thought about it quite a bit, Master," the disciple said. "It required much effort, but I have decided to forgive all of them."
"Very well, we can remove all the potatoes. Were there any more people who transgressed against you this last week?"
The disciple thought for a while and admitted there were. Then he felt panic when he realized his empty sack was about to get filled up again.
"Master," he asked, "if we continue like this, wouldn't there always be potatoes in the sack week after week?"
"Yes, as long as people speak or act against you in some way, you will always have potatoes."
"But Master, we can never control what others do. So what good is the Tao in this case?"
"We're not at the realm of the Tao yet. Everything we have talked about so far is the conventional approach to forgiveness. It is the same thing that many philosophies and most religions preach - we must constantly strive to forgive, for it is an important virtue. This is not the Tao because there is no striving in the Tao."
"Then what is the Tao, Master?"
"You can figure it out. If the potatoes are negative feelings, then what is the sack?"
"The sack is... That which allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is something within us that makes us dwell on feeling offended.... Ah, it is my inflated sense of self-importance. "
"And what will happen if you let go of it?"
"Then... The things that people do or say against me no longer seem like such a major issue."
"In that case, you won't have any names to inscribe on potatoes. That means no more weight to carry around, and no more bad smells.
The Tao of forgiveness is the conscious decision to not just to remove some potatoes... But to relinquish the entire sack."
For each of them, inscribe the name on a potato and put it in the sack."
The disciple came up quite a few names, and soon his sack was heavy with potatoes.
"Carry the sack with you wherever you go for a week," said the sage. "We'll talk after that."
At first, the disciple thought nothing of it. Carrying the sack was not particularly difficult. But after a while, it became more of a burden. It sometimes got in the way, and it seemed to require more effort to carry as time went on, even though its weight remained the same.
After a few days, the sack began to smell. The carved potatoes gave off a ripe odor. Not only were they increasingly inconvenient to carry around, they were also becoming rather unpleasant.
Finally, the week was over. The sage summoned the disciple. "Any thoughts about all this?"
"Yes, Master," the disciple replied. "When we are unable to forgive others, we carry negative feelings with us everywhere, much like these potatoes. That negativity becomes a burden to us and, after a while, it festers."
"Yes, that is exactly what happens when one holds a grudge. So, how can we lighten the load?"
"We must strive to forgive."
"Forgiving someone is the equivalent of removing the corresponding potato from the sack. How many of your transgressors are you able to forgive?"
"I've thought about it quite a bit, Master," the disciple said. "It required much effort, but I have decided to forgive all of them."
"Very well, we can remove all the potatoes. Were there any more people who transgressed against you this last week?"
The disciple thought for a while and admitted there were. Then he felt panic when he realized his empty sack was about to get filled up again.
"Master," he asked, "if we continue like this, wouldn't there always be potatoes in the sack week after week?"
"Yes, as long as people speak or act against you in some way, you will always have potatoes."
"But Master, we can never control what others do. So what good is the Tao in this case?"
"We're not at the realm of the Tao yet. Everything we have talked about so far is the conventional approach to forgiveness. It is the same thing that many philosophies and most religions preach - we must constantly strive to forgive, for it is an important virtue. This is not the Tao because there is no striving in the Tao."
"Then what is the Tao, Master?"
"You can figure it out. If the potatoes are negative feelings, then what is the sack?"
"The sack is... That which allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is something within us that makes us dwell on feeling offended.... Ah, it is my inflated sense of self-importance. "
"And what will happen if you let go of it?"
"Then... The things that people do or say against me no longer seem like such a major issue."
"In that case, you won't have any names to inscribe on potatoes. That means no more weight to carry around, and no more bad smells.
The Tao of forgiveness is the conscious decision to not just to remove some potatoes... But to relinquish the entire sack."
Smart Woman
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
Apology letter
A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...
_________
Deer sur,
If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.
This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.
I putted a complain on station masterji.
He said I to go to the lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.
Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.
Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.
I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.
I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.
May God blast you!"
Yours awfully,
A.YADAV
The Tomato Story
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. During that season, tomatoes were in great demand. So, he thought of doing some business with it. He then went to the supermarket and bought a 10Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than 2-3 hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
15 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.
The man replied, "I don't have an email".
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd have been an office boy at Microsoft!"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Internet is not the solution to your life. If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can still be a millionaire.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. During that season, tomatoes were in great demand. So, he thought of doing some business with it. He then went to the supermarket and bought a 10Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than 2-3 hours, he succeeded to double his capital.
He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
15 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.
The man replied, "I don't have an email".
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd have been an office boy at Microsoft!"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Internet is not the solution to your life. If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can still be a millionaire.
First Class Manager
| A First Class Manager (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman. FCM: Can I spend the night at your place? Woman: Well. I live alone. FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM. Woman: I got only one bed. FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM. Woman: I go to bed naked. FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM. Woman: Be my guest, FCM. Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry. FCM: Good birds you got there. Woman: Yeah. FCM: How many cocks and how many hens? Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.. FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around. Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class managers. |
10 places women want to be touched
Forget a woman's cleavage, there are more erogenous spots that you can now
explore to get your lady sexcited. Read on to discover her ten most
Know her trigger points and enjoy sexual bliss like never before (Getty
Images) sensuous body parts waiting to be discovered.
Women are sensuous creatures and they love being kissed and caressed. What
guys often mistake is that they go straight for the woman's breasts or other private parts, without concentrating on her other moan zones. So, if you want to get your gal into the mood, stimulate some of her often-neglected body parts.
Touch these places during foreplay and sex, or just give her some pleasure
after a hard day and she'll surely reward you with brownie points in bed.
Tresses
All guys like women with gorgeous locks. But what you need to know is that
women love being touched on their head. It's quite a stress reliever.
Running your hands sensuously through her tresses is likely to send shivers
down her spine. Massage her temples to the nape of her neck and she'll be
game to your desires.
Nape of her neck
In ancient Japan, the back of a woman's neck was considered extremely
attractive by men as it was one of the few zones that were not covered by
the elaborate kimono. Today, very few men focus on the nape of the neck, but we suggest you build up the pleasure by gentle touching and kissing your lady love from her hairline down to her shoulders. It will make her reach dizzying heights of pleasure.
Collar bone
A well-defined collarbone is what men find irresistible. So, why not touch
and kiss her there. Unbutton her shirt just a little and stimulate her
collarbone with your touch. Create circles with your tongue and give her
love bites right there, just to remind her of how much you want her.
Small of her back
Most women love it when their guy places his protective hand against the
small of her back as it shows that he feels very strongly about her. So, why not incorporate this gesture into your foreplay routine, by kissing or
licking down her spine to end up with a kiss on the small of her back. It
will definitely get her into the mood for more!
Behind her knees
This area is a power house of sensitive nerve endings. You can gently caress the back of her knee under her skirt while the two of you are in an open public space as it is sure to get her excited by the time you reach home.
Palms of her hands
We use our hands to please our partners, but have you ever thought that you
could arouse a woman by stimulating the palm of her hand? Run your finger
along her palm as that will make her feel relaxed and ready for a sexy
rendezvous ahead.
Her earlobes
This is one of the most erogenous moan centers of a woman's body. Touching,
kissing and even gently biting her earlobes will send her into a sexual
tizzy. If you are getting extra adventurous, simply nibble around the
outside of the rest of her ear as well, but don't put your tongue inside her ear. That's a major turn off!
Happy feet
There's nothing more sinfully seductive than a foot massage. It will help
her relax, especially if her job requires her to be on them all day. Get
yourself some aromatic massage oil or lotion. Pay extra attention to the
pressure points such as her toes, ankles and the sides of her feet too. Some women love enjoy having their toes sucked, but others find it repulsive, so ask your babe what she would have you do before putting them in your mouth.
Soft thighs
Touching a woman's inner thighs without touching her private parts is the
most sensual tease that is sure to get her all charged up. Employ your hands and mouth to caress and kiss the insides of her thighs, remember to pull back before going all the way.
"This article was published in Times of India, Oct 27th, WEB Edition"
explore to get your lady sexcited. Read on to discover her ten most
Know her trigger points and enjoy sexual bliss like never before (Getty
Images) sensuous body parts waiting to be discovered.
Women are sensuous creatures and they love being kissed and caressed. What
guys often mistake is that they go straight for the woman's breasts or other private parts, without concentrating on her other moan zones. So, if you want to get your gal into the mood, stimulate some of her often-neglected body parts.
Touch these places during foreplay and sex, or just give her some pleasure
after a hard day and she'll surely reward you with brownie points in bed.
Tresses
All guys like women with gorgeous locks. But what you need to know is that
women love being touched on their head. It's quite a stress reliever.
Running your hands sensuously through her tresses is likely to send shivers
down her spine. Massage her temples to the nape of her neck and she'll be
game to your desires.
Nape of her neck
In ancient Japan, the back of a woman's neck was considered extremely
attractive by men as it was one of the few zones that were not covered by
the elaborate kimono. Today, very few men focus on the nape of the neck, but we suggest you build up the pleasure by gentle touching and kissing your lady love from her hairline down to her shoulders. It will make her reach dizzying heights of pleasure.
Collar bone
A well-defined collarbone is what men find irresistible. So, why not touch
and kiss her there. Unbutton her shirt just a little and stimulate her
collarbone with your touch. Create circles with your tongue and give her
love bites right there, just to remind her of how much you want her.
Small of her back
Most women love it when their guy places his protective hand against the
small of her back as it shows that he feels very strongly about her. So, why not incorporate this gesture into your foreplay routine, by kissing or
licking down her spine to end up with a kiss on the small of her back. It
will definitely get her into the mood for more!
Behind her knees
This area is a power house of sensitive nerve endings. You can gently caress the back of her knee under her skirt while the two of you are in an open public space as it is sure to get her excited by the time you reach home.
Palms of her hands
We use our hands to please our partners, but have you ever thought that you
could arouse a woman by stimulating the palm of her hand? Run your finger
along her palm as that will make her feel relaxed and ready for a sexy
rendezvous ahead.
Her earlobes
This is one of the most erogenous moan centers of a woman's body. Touching,
kissing and even gently biting her earlobes will send her into a sexual
tizzy. If you are getting extra adventurous, simply nibble around the
outside of the rest of her ear as well, but don't put your tongue inside her ear. That's a major turn off!
Happy feet
There's nothing more sinfully seductive than a foot massage. It will help
her relax, especially if her job requires her to be on them all day. Get
yourself some aromatic massage oil or lotion. Pay extra attention to the
pressure points such as her toes, ankles and the sides of her feet too. Some women love enjoy having their toes sucked, but others find it repulsive, so ask your babe what she would have you do before putting them in your mouth.
Soft thighs
Touching a woman's inner thighs without touching her private parts is the
most sensual tease that is sure to get her all charged up. Employ your hands and mouth to caress and kiss the insides of her thighs, remember to pull back before going all the way.
"This article was published in Times of India, Oct 27th, WEB Edition"
Missing Wife Report
A man went to the police station to file a report regarding his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim - can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Man: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Man: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit - I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?
Man: Yes‚ my pet dog - Romeo‚ a Labrador - tied with a
golden chain‚ height 30 inches‚ healthy‚ blue eyes‚ blackish brown
hair‚ his left foot thumb nail is missing‚ he never barks‚ wearing a
golden belt studded with blue balls‚ he likes non-veg food‚ we eat
together‚ we jog together -- and then‚ the man started crying.
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!
Man: Excellent idea‚ sir!
Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim - can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Man: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Man: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: Saree/suit - I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?
Man: Yes‚ my pet dog - Romeo‚ a Labrador - tied with a
golden chain‚ height 30 inches‚ healthy‚ blue eyes‚ blackish brown
hair‚ his left foot thumb nail is missing‚ he never barks‚ wearing a
golden belt studded with blue balls‚ he likes non-veg food‚ we eat
together‚ we jog together -- and then‚ the man started crying.
Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!!
Man: Excellent idea‚ sir!
Robot :)
One day rohans's dad bought a robot. The robot was vary special
it could detect a lie & would slap the person who lied on the face.
One day rohan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him,
"Son why are you late from school?".
Rohan replied , "Dad we had extra classes todayso i got late". The
Robot jumped up and slapped Rohan on his face.
His dad told him "(son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie
and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are
you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie? " Mummy ",
Rohan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the adult movie."
Dad : "Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such
shameful things." The dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Rohan's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and
gives a resounding slap on Rohans's mother's face !
it could detect a lie & would slap the person who lied on the face.
One day rohan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him,
"Son why are you late from school?".
Rohan replied , "Dad we had extra classes todayso i got late". The
Robot jumped up and slapped Rohan on his face.
His dad told him "(son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie
and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are
you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie? " Mummy ",
Rohan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the adult movie."
Dad : "Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such
shameful things." The dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Rohan's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and
gives a resounding slap on Rohans's mother's face !
Good Laugh For Women
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say woman are dumb...
Tiger and Santa in Zoo
Santa was a big hunter. Once he went to a zoo. At that time a big tiger escaped from its cage. The zoo officials sent everyone out of the zoo and closed the main gate. Now the tiger is inside the zoo but wandering freely.
Zoo people requested Santa to go inside and trap the tiger in a cage. Scared but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun. While driving on one of the zoo’s roads, he noticed that the tiger is chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep fast but only to observe that the tiger is very near to the jeep.
At that time the road separated into two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right. Then cleverly Santa put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the road on right. The tiger runs into the left path.
With a sigh of relief, he drove forward. After some time the roads meet and the same situation arises again. once more the road divides into two and this time our Santa is smart enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the tiger goes into the road on right side.
After some time the roads meet again to our Santa’s misfortune and the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our Santa thought the tiger would catch him. Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left corner of the road. Then he held his hand outside gives overtake signal to the tiger.
The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs forward.
MORAL OF THE STORY: There are Santa in Tigers too.
Zoo people requested Santa to go inside and trap the tiger in a cage. Scared but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun. While driving on one of the zoo’s roads, he noticed that the tiger is chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep fast but only to observe that the tiger is very near to the jeep.
At that time the road separated into two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right. Then cleverly Santa put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the road on right. The tiger runs into the left path.
With a sigh of relief, he drove forward. After some time the roads meet and the same situation arises again. once more the road divides into two and this time our Santa is smart enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the tiger goes into the road on right side.
After some time the roads meet again to our Santa’s misfortune and the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our Santa thought the tiger would catch him. Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left corner of the road. Then he held his hand outside gives overtake signal to the tiger.
The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs forward.
MORAL OF THE STORY: There are Santa in Tigers too.
LITTLE JOHNNY: A DROP IN THE BUCKET
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water
Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
